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Thursday, September 26, 2013

What are the chances I end up in a love triangle in Scottsdale?

The answer is 100%, because my life is ridiculous.

I mean, its not exactly a love triangle but it is a series of odd coincidences where the stars have aligned to once again make me look like a hot ass mess. I'm shocked.

So, I cut all of my low hanging fruit of men from my tree a couple weeks ago because I was tired of all of them and needed a fresh start. This fresh start was to be celebrated with a raucous weekend out in Old Town Scottsdale for no particular reason, but wait...let's back up a little.

Part 1

I became immediately bored of having no male attention in my life on last week Tuesday. I download Tinder, which is a "Hot or Not" type dating app that is very popular in Phoenix and has location based matching. No one can talk to you unless its a mutual match. I loved it immediately. I started chatting with a dude named Blondey, who is smart and cute and busy, just like me. We realize we can't figure out a time to get together until this week. We keep in touch but not like super actively.

Part 2

Friday night, I had drinks with Tiffany and our new best friend, Halle, who is Andrea's friend who just moved to Phoenix. After two drinks, I try to con Tiffany into going to Sand Bar, but she knows better (per last Friday night's 5am adventures). I go home and start Tindering because I'm 2 drinks in and exhausted from a long week-- aka recipes for flirtation disaster. I strike up a convo with this dude who's photos show him as a country music super star. I'm immediately interested in dating a Dierks Bentley looking cowboy fella. He invited me to watch him perform at a bar on Sunday after the Bears game. I consider this option because I like to feel famous and say "I'm with the Band".

Part 3

Tiffany and I decided to go out in Old Town on Saturday night and get extremely drunk because we had $50 in free Lyft credit to get home. The best. We start out at Whiskey Row where there are 2 for 1 Fireball shots. Rookie mistake. A few Fireballs later, I spy a very tall man in the bar. We all know men over 6'5 are like candy to me. I march over and announce we are genetically meant to be together because our children would be frickin' professional linebackers. I am so charming. 

So, I manage to exchange phone numbers with my fellow giant/life partner. Then we hop over to Martini Ranch and Tiffany tells the bouncer we're with the band, and he let's us skip the line and not pay cover. SEE IT WORKS. FAMOUS4LYFE.

Part 4

It is now Sunday and I am viciously hung over. Fireballs are a bad idea. Life is made better because I am texting with the Tall Guy while simultaneously eating hash browns and wanting to die. I am also getting Tinder messages from Country Singer, asking me and friend to come hang out. CLEARLY NO. I look like a dead hooker. I am never leaving bed....until 5pm when I was tempted with tacos at a Bears bar in Old Town. El Hefe is packed but they had food and $8 40 oz. Beergaritas so I immediately get over my hangover and switch the party mode flip. I become best friends with everyone except the Packers fans.

Tall Guy is across the street another bar in Old Town. He promises to come visit, my phone dies and I am drunk. Eventually he shows up and I hug him with such fury that I crush his $130 Raybans with my tits. Once again, so charming.

Tall Guy mentions that he was just across the street hanging out with his friend who performs there on Sunday nights after the football game. Ummm....uh oh.....

Why yes, Tall Guy and Country Singer are good buddies from college.

Part 5

I wander over to where Country Singer is on the bar, playing guitar and singing despite this excellent revelation I've just made at El Hefe. I act mega casual when he finally finishes his set and comes over to grab a hug from me. I immediately question him about Tall Guy. I am drunk. He is probably really confused. Whatever. Friends haul me out of the bar at 10pm before I make a really bad decision.

Part 6

Tall Guy and I hang out Monday night. I like him a lot. I inform Country Singer we should be bro's only. He's fine with this because he says Tall Guy is one of the most gentlemanly and great dudes on earth. I agree.

Part 7

Its Wednesday night and I finally made plans with that guy from part 1, Blondey, to grab a drink in between work/working out/tindering. We have some drinks, chat about college, etc. He mentions he was in a fraternity at ASU. Then he tells me its the same one Tall Guy is in, but they're a couple years apart in age...it can't be..what are the chances. Alarms are going off in my head.

When he adds me on Facebook, I notice Tall Guy is a mutual friend of ours. I ask him how he knows him. Tall Guy is Blondey's big brother in their fraternity. He also knows Tall Guy's friends, Country Singer. 

GOD DAMMIT.

Conclusion

I'm fucked.

So, in college there was this guy who dated my Grand Big Sister in the sorority when she was a freshman and I believe, he was a senior. When my Big Sister was a freshman, a year later, she dated the same guy, still a senior. And then I dated him, 6 years from the start of it all, when I was a junior in college, and he was still a senior. He tried to get to my Little Sister too, the next year, but we warned her to stay away.

He is a legend in our sorority for these actions. Now I am this man, except not a man, not in college and certainly in Scottsdale. These things only happen to me.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? 

I think someone is trying to teach me a lesson. Perhaps I will go back to the suggestion of dating one gentleman at a time is a swell idea. I can't even on my life anymore. 

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