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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

July 17th marks the end of my Quarter Life Crisis

July 17, 2013

For more everybody else, this is a Wednesday unlike any other day of any other week in the middle of a hot, hot summer, but for me, it was 1 year ago today that my Quarter Life Crisis began, and today, I decided its over. One year is enough excitement. 

The primary goal of my Quarter Life Crisis is that I didn't want to be the fat girl any more. This is what I looked like in early 2012:

Then I spent the last year dedicating myself to a healthy lifestyle, diet and regular fitness regiment. I lost 100 pounds to date. I don't post these photos out of vanity, but rather out of pride. There is no better feeling than knowing you're better, faster, stronger than you were the day, or month, or year before.

This is what I look like today:

But wait, there's more.

Getting into the best physical shape of my life was only one small part of my Quarter Life Crisis. I was in a terrible living situation, a dead end job, miserable with single life while still pining over my ex, driving a car with no air conditioning, and generally unhappy with all things not going my way in life.

So, I changed it. I moved into my very own condo last month and am enjoying owning my own furniture and decorating things my way. I changed careers to pursue my love of non profits. I became pretty okay with being single for the long run, but I still have my moments. I sent a thank you note to my ex to thank him for being part of the inspiration to change my life. I bought my personal trainer flowers to let her know how much I appreciate her. I bought a new car that is super hot and super fast and it has air conditioning. 

Most importantly, I am genuinely happy with my life, although it still has plenty of challenges and road bumps. 

So that's it. I spent a year in crisis and now, I'm done with it. Time to roll with the punches and enjoy life.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

I lived the most pathetic day of life last week.

I can't even on my life last week.

If it was going to go wrong, it absolutely did, including when my fairly new car ATE MY CAR KEYS while the car was running, like would not turn off, would not release the keys, ON THE FOURTH OF JULY in 114 DEGREE HEAT. Yeah, that day was awesome.

But if that doesn't take the cake for the worse frickin' situation, what happened the Tuesday before the 4th of July certainly was. It was literally the most pathetic day of my entire life.

I play sand volleyball on Monday nights in Old Town Scottsdale which is like, 30 minutes from where I live, so I usually stop at the grocery store and gas station on my way home since I go right past Walmart (They have cheap organic veggies, take your judgment elsewhere). I was particularly sweaty and sandy so I hurried around Walmart getting what I needed, fitting right in with the rest of the people of Walmart-- yeah, that's how fab I looked-- and got the hell out of there. Although my little gas light indicator was about to flicker on, I decided against stopping for gas and opted to drive home on empty. I can always get gas in the morning before work.

So, I drive 20 miles home on empty. Flash forward to Tuesday morning, I pull into the gas station and reach in my purse for my wallet. IT IS GONE. GONE. I immediately start sweating profusely and freaking out. Drive home, tear apart my apartment, my car, all things. NO WALLET.

At this point, I'm super late for work. So, I get on the phone with Walmart (the last place I can really remember my wallet since I paid for shit) and start driving to work. I am still swearing profusely because I'm having a nervous breakdown that my wallet is gone and I have the AC off in my car to save gas and its 102 degrees at 7:30am in Phoenix. Finally Walmart sorts out their life and THEY HAVE MY WALLET. Thank god. PRAISE JESUS. Seriously. I was so thankful.

Only at the Scottsdale Walmart would a wallet get turned in untouched.

So, that's great. I have located my wallet containing all worldly possessions and all access to money, but I'm driving on fumes to work which is conveniently on the other side of town from the Walmart and, as I said, I am already 30+ miles into driving on empty.

So, I have no gas, no wallet, and therefore no money for gas, and I'm now at work. My choices are to ask someone to drive me 30 minutes away to Walmart OR ask to borrow $20 from someone for gas. The only people surrounding me are co-workers. GREAT.

So, in the end, I asked my intern to road trip with me for my wallet. I bought her ice cream to thank her. But really, it was the most pathetic situation ever.

I didn't have enough gas in my car and no money to drive myself to Walmart, so I had to have my intern drive me there. Certainly a humbling and very low point in my existence on earth.

Just kill me now.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Men of Plenty of Fish: You're doin' it wrong.

I am by no means a professional online dater.

Um, oh wait, yeah, I probably am by most standards. I've even written and published research papers about online dating during my collegiate years. I've been on just about every site and figured out just about all of their formulas for matching, and yet, no site has the ability to weed out the creepers, the grammatically challenged and the just plain bizarre.

In the past week, I've gotten some real winners. They're probably really nice guys in real life, but man are they creeps online, so I am happy to bring to you my top 6 "You're doin' it wrong" of online dating for the week. 

Multiple messages after a courtesy reply:

Guys, here's an online dating pro-tip...DO NOT SEND GIRLS MULTIPLE MESSAGES after no response or a "courtesy response". For those of you who are not into the online dating scene, a courtesy response is a short message that acknowledges a compliment but does not encourage any further conversation. You can see above, I said thank you for a compliment, without asking how he is or making any commentary on his profile AKA NOT INTERESTED. Yet, I got not one, but two replies, weeks apart, as if I might change my mind. Worse yet, the last message is nearly identical to the first, which means he probably didn't even remember he messaged me in the first place and sends the same damn message to every girl. Also, who says "Do you find me attractive?" Akwardddddddd.


It doesn't matter what this dude says, I'm not replying. This is unacceptable. Please stop shouting at me.

Getting caught sending the same exact message to all women on POF:

 There are a lot of things wrong here, like his used name which is ENDOWEDinPhx. Was it necessary to capitalize ENDOWED. I feel like putting ENDOWED in your username is already a crime against online dating, but the capital letters take the cake. His main photo is a selfie of him "sleeping"....ummmm. I don't need to explain why this odd, right? Getting back to point, he's trolling the shit out of POF. I've actually gotten this damn message from him several times prior to these two and never reply..rinse and repeat. Copy and paste is not your friend, gentlemen of POF. 

POF is NOT Craigslist:

Once again, repeat message dude without any replies on my side. I suppose I should be flattered? I might've been if he didn't ask if I WANTED TO MAKE A QUICK GRAND. To get a girl to respond to your dating website messages, I suggest not implying her that she is a.) a prostitute of some sort; b.) incapable of identifying an ideal mate on her own c.) only worth $1000--PUH LEASE. What is this world? Is this real life?

I REPEAT: POF is NOT Craiglist

Does this work on anyone? Asking a random chick to come over. Not a hello, not a how are you? Not even a compliment? Just this. Guys, women like flattery or free drinks, at least put a tiny frickin' bit of effort into this dating thing. That's all I'm asking, a tiny bit of effort before trying to sleep with me. This dude's profile is totally normal and his pics are pretty damn good-- WHY do men think its okay to use the guise of the internet to let their inner creeper out.

The guy you use to date, but he blew you off, and now he's back:

The story here is: I went on a great first date with this guy back in March. He wanted to take me out the day after we met and then blew me off. Then proceeded to blow me off two more times with bullshit excuses or just complete non response. I finally just stopped talking to him because he couldn't commit to a single thing and that's usually an indication someone is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. And here we are, in July, and he's back. WHY? He didn't even really have a good reason, then I had the above convo with him which pretty much sealed the deal on how very few fucks I give about him.


I need to stop dating online. Or anywhere. Ever. Maybe move to a different city? Start clean on the dating scene. Or get me some cats. Admit defeat.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Manic Monday: Anyone for mini golf?

SGIEWW is officially back from summer vacay.

While I wish I could say I was vacationing and living lavishly, sipping champagne and eating caviar in a huge hat in the Hamptons, I was actually boiling in the lava pit that is currently Phoenix. 

I must say I am shocked and amazed at the amount of emails, comments and snapchats I received, demanding new blog posts and expressing immense concern for my well being in the greater dating community. A lot has happened recently, both good, bad, ugly and heart breaking, BUT DO NOT WORRY, I am still single and ready to mingle and the blog WILL go on. More on all that trauma later, let's kick off this Monday with my latest dating debauchery.

Recently, I haven't been taking dating very seriously. I let my Match.com emails build up for weeks. I forget to change my photos on OkCupid. I give out fake phone numbers at the bar (which is better than my dear bestie who drunkenly gave HER MOTHER'S number to a total creeper the other night-- but mad props for quick thinking). Right on par with not dating seriously, I decided that I would spend the last month going on ONLY mini golf dates with men. Drinks? No. Drinks and mini golf? Yes. See how this works?

I don't know where the idea came from. I don't even like mini golf that much, but I was so bored of the same bullshit dates with the same bullshit guys, I had to take matters into my own hands around the time of my last blog post. My whole world was changing, perhaps something constant in my life would help me out.

And so it began. 23 mini golf dates. 

I could review each one, but it wasn't really about the dudes so much as a social experiment on what happens when you play the same mini golf course repeatedly for a month. The first few times, it was nothing exciting, except that I was so terrible I lost my ball on Scottsdale Road because I hit it so hard. Apparently gentle finesse is the name of the game. Very impressive for the men I was with, surely. 

By date number 10, the cashier was recognizing me and starting to put together what I was doing. It took until date 15 (which dates 10-15 occurred over 3 days aka multi-mini golf games in one day) for the weekend cashier to realize what I was doing and start laughing hysterically upon arrival. 

Date 15 rode the bumper boats with me too. Bonus points for him. 

By date 12 or 13, I was also getting unusually good at the Crackerjack mini golf. Crackerjack is this teeny bopper entertainment place with go karts and an arcade and mini golf, so the mini golf course is full of weird obstacles and uneven surfaces. If you've never played it before, its pretty hard, even if you play actual golf. 

I think date 14, I played my best round and had about 4 hole in one's and was well under par on every hole. I was pretty impressed by myself and immediately started talking mad shit to the guy I was with while simultaneously whooping his ass at mini golf on a Friday night. I am obviously not an adult and he's obviously a cry baby, sore loser because he never talked to me again afterwards. WHATEVER BRO.

The bottom line here is, I just went on 23 dates to play mini golf and 17 of them are still speaking to me on a regular basis (or sending me unsolicited dick pics in the wee hours of the night). Of the 17 of them, I am interested in seeing 3-5 of them again (which some of them got the DOUBLE dose of mini golf in a month). 

ZERO of the 23 questioned why I ONLY wanted to play mini golf and nothing else, even if it was what we had done on the first date.


And we wonder why I'm single.