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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

WTF Wednesday: Roommate Search 2013

Roommate Search 2013 has commenced.

My lease is up at the end of June and my roommate and I will be parting ways. This is a serious pain in the ass mainly because I have to a.) buy everything that isn't bedroom or bathroom furniture, b.) find a new roommate or double my rent, c.) move 200+ pairs of high heels.

So, of course, my first course of action was to completely overreact to the pending move. 

And then I called my mom and begged her to allow me to move home and hide from reality.


Because I have basically lived an entirely too cushy life, I have next to no coping skills with any small road bump in my life. I blame you, Mom and Dad. Thanks for spoiling me so rotten than I have failed to launch into an emotionally stable adult. Just kidding. Love you both (they read this). 


For the past 3 days, I've gone violent mood swings, emotional outbursts, apathy and finally arrived at actually doing something to relieve the immense anxiety I feel around the situation. So, I did what any sane human would do and posted an ad on Craigslist in search of a roommate. 

This was the first message I received in response:
GOD DAMMIT, CRAIGSLIST.

Needless to say, I did get many other normal responses. I even went on a potential roommate "date" with a very nice 26 year old bartender who's original from Springfield, Illinois and move out here in 2010 last night. He's a potential for sure, although I am hoping a friend from work will come through as roommate material first. 

Meeting a potential roommate is awkward as hell. Especially when they're of the opposite sex. While I am a predator, I am most certain I can keep my drunk and cuddly hands off a male roommate. C'mon guys, gimme some credit. But seriously, you go and meet this person. You want them to like you so much they want to live with you and you want to feel the same, but then, you have to realize there is ZERO RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL EVER, because this isn't season 135 of the Real World and you just don't hook up with your roommate. 

So, its like all the nervous, giddy feelings of a first date BUT its the ANTI- date, because there's no romantic outcome. Do you shake hands? Do you hug? How does one do this? I just recently mastered the art of the first date in the adult world and now I have to also take on these potential roommate meeting anti-dates? 

THERE IS NO GOD. My life is a disaster-- if its not my romantic life, its something else. Things would be so boring otherwise. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Monday, April 8, 2013

The Return of Manic Monday: Sometimes I get bored and start drama with my College Ex

The Return of Manic Monday: 

Sometimes I get bored and drama with my College Ex

Oh my goshhhh...its been forever. Neglecting my blog. Apologies. Seriously, I have been so busy and I was seeing someone, so I wasn't trying to screw that up. But now its over and he'll become a Blog Celebrity sometime this week. All bets are off once you're an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, its been a while since I stirred up any trouble with my College Ex, but sometimes I get terribly bored in my life and I feel the need to catch up on his life via Facebook, which almost also results in a Facebook chat resulting in an overly sarcastic conversation and me getting all huffy and puffy. Why do I do this? Because I am psycho ex girlfriend and I just can't help myself.

So, last week, I was bored of reading vampire books and having #workchat mixed with a healthy dose of #weddingchat. I noticed College Ex had something posted on his wall by some chick who may or may not be his girlfriend (they're intensely on and off again, therefore she is absolutely "some chick). The post was regarding Star Trek, which is something that College Ex introduced me to when we were living together in college. Star Trek Voyager is a masterpiece, that is for sure.

I couldn't help but comment with something along the lines of "Oh, I'm glad to see College Ex got another one of us into Star Trek. Its the best!" TOTALLY INNOCENT.

Minutes later, she comments, "Hey College Ex, Random people now commenting on my wall posts to you, I should start my own fan club, haha!!!!"

OH HELL NO. HELL NO, BITCH.

RANDOM PERSON??? OH YEAH?? OH YEAH???

So, I got irrationally upset about this which led to me stepping outside and then bitching at College Ex for approximately 15-20 minutes about not defending me to this gutterslut thing trash talking me. This is NOT the first time she's attacked me about something on Facebook (I believe the first time was regarding feminism, which is clearly not a topic you want to debate with me). 
Of course, College Ex quietly took it while I berated him because really, once I'm riled up, there isn't much stopping me. He learned that plenty of times in our relationship. Needless to say, I'm still a crazy ex girlfriend and he's still the push over he's always been. Some things never change. 

Anyways, to conclude, I'd also like to offer a short list of the reasons this on and off again girlfriend is ACTUALLY the random and I am ACTUALLY sticking around forever, so she best get use to me stat.

1.) I know all of College Ex's deepest, darkest secrets. Highly doubt she does.
2.) I spent a long time living with College Ex. He couldn't tolerate living with her for 2 weeks.
3.) College Ex's family lives in the Everglades and flies a confederate flag. They don't go for ethnic. 
4.) No one ever forgets their first love. Ever. Ever. Never. SORRY I'M NOT SORRY.
5.) Ummmm...would you want your boyfriend to be friends with his ex who's as cute as me? Nope.

Am I an asshole? Yes. Is she? Certainly.

Was this necessary? Yes and no. It certainly satisfied my cravings. Nom Nom DRAMA NOM.

Goodnight my bitches!