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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

WTF Wednesday: Don't agree to being a Bridesmaid if you don't understand what it entails

I'm about to be Bridesmaidzilla and POP OFF all over the web.

Shut up. I know I've been MIA but I'm busy and tired and unexciting at this point in my life. I do have some exciting dates and events and stuff coming up, including introducing you to my new car, which is now doubling as transportation AND boyfriend for the time being. But its is pretty...but more on that later.

Right now, I'm about to POP OFF (circa season 1, Bad Girls Club) on a bunch of bitties who think they rule the bridesmaid world. This week has been particularly interesting because almost every wedding I am in this year required some sort of financial commitment from me. Dresses, hotels, flights---the list goes on. Its stressful on me but I don't complain, I just deal. Some others are not quite as tactful. Truth be told, I am the ultimate bridesmaid (duh) and everyone needs to stop acting like bitties and grown up.

Here it is, straight up, the TOP 10 rules of being the best bridesmaid: 

1.) Don't order your bridesmaid dress too small. Just buy what fits now. You aren't going to loose 25 pounds in 12 weeks. 

2.) Being a bridesmaid involves a fairly large financial commitment. If you cannot do it financially, do not agree to it. It messes everything else up and makes the bride feel guilty. Kelsey's and Amy's wedding is going to cost me a total of approximately $6,000. I'm willing to do this because I've been given the honor to be Maid of Honor and your best friends only getting married once. I'm doing it happily because that's what I signed up for. I knew it would be pricey with me living in Phoenix, across the country from the Midwest, and now I will eat Ramen until September. This is an expensive venture for everyone, so prepare yourself ahead of time and if you cannot do it, don't stress everyone else out because of it.

3.) Don't expect the Bride to pick up the tab because you're a broke ass. This is really just an expanded rant from above. I don't care if you're a student, unemployed, rich, ugly, whatever---don't expect the Bride to pay for your dress, hotel, hair, whatever. She has a wedding to pay for and you agreed to the financial commitment (see above). Then when it does happen, be thankful. Actually THANK the bride.

4.) Explain to your wedding date the importance of them being at all of the wedding events they are invited to, like the rehearsal dinner. It costs money PER PERSON, so if someone says they'll come (or if you commit to a wedding date even though you have a 0% chance of ever having a boyfriend), you better have that person there. Your bride is gonna be realllll upset if she paid for your date who didn't show.

5.) If there's a group expense, make sure you're ready to pay back whoever might be fronting the money, or let them know when you'll be able to pay, THEN ACTUALLY PAY THEM BACK WITHOUT THEM ASKING. Remember, if someone is fronting the money for a limo or hotel or booze, they're doing you a favor since you don't have to pay up front from your paycheck and don't have do a damn thing but show up. So, do them a favor and pay them back.

6.) Don't cause internal bridesmaid drama. Nobody wants to be the problem child.

7.) Don't jeopardize your friendship with the bride by being the problem child. She's under stress. Nod and agree, even if you don't like it. She will get mad and boot your ass.

8.) Do not bitch about the dress. If the bride asks, you may gently explain your opinion. Do not use words like--- hate, ugly, bad fit, horrid, vomit. Even if you hate the dress, NEWS FLASH: it ain't your wedding. Don't bug the bride to go try dresses on with you and pad your self esteem--GO do it, find your size and order your dress in a timely fashion. You may not know this, but every bride has a timeline of when things should happen...she can't check the boxes and move on until you cooperate. Stressed bride = miserable life, so suck it up and STOP COMPLAINING. 

9.) The Maid of Honor is the bride's right hand woman. If you're a bridesmaid and the MOH sends out a bulk message with direction on ordering shoes or plans for the bachelorette party, do not go behind her back and ask the bride if this is what she REALLY wants. There is a 98% chance that the MOH has already discussed this in depth with the MOH. The MOH's duty is to help the bride with the nitty gritty details and pick up the slack, like making sure everyone has shoes for the wedding. Don't create double the work by rehashing everything. Obey the Maid of Honor....bottom line

10.) If I'm the Maid of Honor and you're a bridesmaid....if I have to get on an airplane and fly somewhere to POP OFF on you in person and knock you back in the bridesmaid line...I will be very, very angry with you. You will feel Bridesmaidzilla wrath for a long, long time.


Happy Hump Day!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

WTF Wednesday: The End of Days is Here. The Dating Apocalypse Has Occured.

The End of Days is Here. 

The Dating Apocalypse Has Occurred.

Its true. God has given me a sign that I should entirely give up on dating. Forever. I might as well get my 100's of cats now and become a spinster. This is my life. Its real. You can't MAKE this stuff up.

So, I went on a Match.com date with this guy.Masters degree, job in Finance, good photos, nice bio, common interests... Looks great on paper...famous last words. So, we make plans to go to dinner after exchanging a few messages. I'm literally in the parking lot, walking in when he texts me and is like BTW, I use crutches to walk because I was born with Cerebral Palsy.

Okay, here's where everyone is going to think I'm a huge asshole (again, this isn't new) but seriously, don't you think you should disclose a life altering disability before you go on a date with someone. I show up, and he's straight crippled. Like not a limp, but like back breaking, non-use of legs. Also, a fairly severe speech impediment.

Now, before you get all crazy on me and call me a bitch, I ALREADY FEEL TERRIBLE. He was a super nice guy. He's very accomplished and such, but I feel like I got maddddd catfished. A disability is a huge responsibility to take on, a life altering one for both parties involved. I think its a bit rude not to mention that before a first date and let it be a huge surprise. Then, its the elephant in the room for the entire length of the dinner.

I don't know the rules on that kind of thing. Like I know you're not suppose to discuss ex's on a first date but can you discuss how the hell you manage to drive a car with 95% limited use of your legs? Is that an awkward question? Because I really do want to know.

I KNOW that what counts is what's inside, personality, whatever, but I am selfish and I just can't do it. I just can't take that on in my life. I can barely manage to walk, talk, go to work, do my laundry and remember to eat in any given week...I can't be sensitive to someone else's issues right now. I got my own shit to figure out.

So, that's that. I got catfished by a guy with Celebral Palsy on Match.com. All of his photos are convienently cropped at the waist. Now I see why.

Call me what you life. I just can't. I just can't believe its come down to this. This is a sign.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Manic Monday: She's Backkkkkkkkkkk

I'm backkkkk!

My life is basically a disaster. This isn't your fault...it might be my fault...but I think its just the stars starting to align for me and creating mass chaos in the mean time. I could give you the long version of where I've been, or I can give you a list! Yes, a list! One of my favorite things on earth. Here's the top 5 things that happened to me since President's Day weekend when I disappeared and thought I may never surface from these events.

1.) I work a day job and it ruins my life.

Seriously, working is misery. I like my job and the people I work with, but by 3pm, I'm just god damn over it. I need a nap. I need sugar. I need to do my laundry. When do people who work 9-5 find time to do their laundry? I cannot get use to it to save my life. I shouldn't bitch about having landed my dream job, but OMG, work is so inconvenient to my overall lifestyle. Maybe one day I can go back to staying awake past the hour of 9:00pm again. 

2.) I went on SEVEN dates over the long President's Day weekend.

After my first week of work, I was rewarded with a lovely 3 day weekend due to President's day. I never knew this was a non-working holiday since my former employer was a crazy ass slave driver. Because I was decidedly done with all men I had been dating, I decided to go on a dating rampage over the 3 day weekend. I managed to line up 7 dates over the 3 days, including with two dudes I met at Sandbar on the Saturday night (the original goal was 5 date but that bumped me to a record 7). I would say something about all of them but they were nothing notable except for some dude named Billy who wears a diamond beveled Rolex and picked me up in his Porsche 911. He's in Switzerland skiing for two weeks, so more on that to come. Overall, no disasters, lots of food and drinks and approximately zero potential.

3.) I went on vacation and two men got into a physical altercation over me.

After President's Day weekend, I promptly left on a trip to Miami, followed by a 3 day cruise with my parents (I'll take it!). I got to spent time in Miami with my sorority Little, Marisol, which was amazing. I also got to spend time with my mother, which is obviously also amazing most of the time when she's not being a parent and stuff. Since my parents are old and go to bed early, I was left to my own conventions after the hour of 9pm each night on the cruise. I took this opportunity to make as many friends as possibly while drinking the greatest possible number of pina coladas. I promptly inserted myself into a Bachelor Party that was aboard. Long story short, two of them were into me, I was flirting with both of them because I am a menacing Siren of the Sea, they got mad at each other, one grabbed the other's neck aggressively, the other kicked the neck grabber in the balls....and I promptly left the bar with an Estonian guy who spoke 3 words of English....and proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend making out with him. Hot + No English = Perfection....although he did kiss me right on the lips in front of my parents at breakfast on the last morning. I was so embarrassed and then they teased me the rest of the day. Bottom line: great trip.

4.) Wedding Tour 2013 is quickly becoming a reality.

Upon returning from my vacation, I realized that I need to start ordering bridesmaid dresses, booking flights and planning bridal showers for the many weddings I am involved in. Calculating just flights alone, I will be spending more than $2100. Thrilling. I guess I'll need to start cutting back on martini now to save up for these extravaganzas. I'm not complaining, just thinking ahead. I'm actually a really good friend and a GREAT bridesmaid. I've got some baller plans for showers and bachelorette parties. I just keep telling myself, your friends only get married once, do it up, do it big for them...money comes and goes, but these girls don't.

5.) I try to hate Brandon #1, but I just can't quit him

The main reason I've been MIA is because I've been trying to sort out my romantic life. After the 7 date weekend, I basically never wanted to go on a date again. I'm just tired of it. Tired. Tired Tired. And I don't have time for it. And most of all, I just can't stop thinking about Brandon #1. Prior to 7 Date Weekend, I got pissed off at him because we play games and go back and forth, never can get on the same page. When I'm interested, he ignores me. When I write him off, he blows up my phone trying to adore me.

Its dumb. Its childish. I don't know why we do it or why I continue to participate in it. But I do. I just can't shake the feeling that he really is the guy, OF ALL THE GUYS, who I should be with right now. After I called out his ridic behavior and went on 7 dates, he spent the next two weeks blowingggg me up. I finally forgave him and went out to a movie with him Saturday. It felt good and right and I think he felt it too. But we'll see, the last time these emotions aligned, we blew up and didn't talk for months. Failure.

I wish I could quit you. Brandon #1.

So, that's it...in a manic nutshell. Everything's a mess. I'm a mess. My laundry needs to be done. Life is moving forward in the most inconvenient way it could be, but at least its going somewhere these days.Back to regularly scheduled programming. KTHNXBYEEEEEEE.