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Thursday, February 14, 2013

WTF Wednesday: When you're single for a year

One Year. Still Single.

Tuesday marked the day of my break up with the Ex. I can't say I didn't think about it. I can't say it didn't piss me off or make me a little sad inside. There were no tears, just a bitch session while dying on a treadmill with Lacie in the gym. Productive use of anger and sadness? I concur.

Thursday is Valentine's Day. It use to be one of my favorite holidays, since I had never actually been single for a Valentine's Day since I was 14 years old, until last year. This year, I actually could not have less fucks to give about it, in general.

I've certainly had a year of  change and growth. Its funny how the end of a relationship can change you so greatly and for such a long time. In my case, perhaps for the rest of my life. So, between the year anniversary of my singledom and stupid holidays about love, I've decided to give you the top 5 list of things I love this year, but didn't love last year.

1.) Blue Martini

I had never even been to BM at this time last year. Now, its hard to imagine my life without it. Blue Martini has been a home away from home. Too many memories have been created there. Happy hours turned happy last call's. Blue Martini, will you be my Valentine? I really feel like its true love.

2.) Tiffany, Jessie and Lacie

My Phoenix crew was awful tiny (as in, the Ex and only the Ex) at this time last year. Now, I have some amazing girlfriends-- one's who have made living in Phoenix worthwhile and certainly heaps more fun than it would've been alone. Clearly, you've read plenty about our antics right here. Its always easier when you have a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell you you're a lazy cow when you slack on the treadmill and someone always willing to get a cocktail when you're new and single in the city.

3.) The Gym

This is obviously a love/hate relationship. Its really like an abusive relationship more than anything. I hate it, then I go back for more. Gotta love what it does for the body. Not suggested to anyone who doesn't enjoy pain, exhaustion or the general lack of alcohol involved.

4.) My friend all getting married

This use to make me so sad and jealous. Nearly to the point of tears. But I've embraced it, taken the bull by the horns and gotten more and more (too much?) in all of the details of dresses and decorations and family drama. I like it. I like it a lot.

5.)  Myself

Last year at this time, I seriously was an unhappy person and didn't know it. When I moved to Phoenix, I did it because it was better than what was in Chicago, which was a miserable job, living at home, overall depression and weight gain. Phoenix was literally a breath of fresh air. Changed my lifestyle, changed my outlook and found the MOST important love---falling back in love with who I am. Is this mushy? Its mushy. I'm done now.

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day, my Bitches!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Manic Mondays: Rogue Ass Groomsmen

WHY  MUST IT ALL HAPPEN AT ONCE?

Sorry, blog reading friends, I am miserable and stupid at blogging once again. So much is happening in my life that I cannot keep up better yet blog about it. I started a new job today in the industry and position that I've always wanted to; however, returning to work after a year of working from home and then 2 months of being unemployed and sleeping til noon makes working an 8-5 job with a commute a really big lifestyle change aka pure exhaustion because I have to join the normal grind. Boohoo. Y'all feel bad for me, I know.

Anyways, today was my first day. I think everyone hates me. I ate lunch alone. This is like the first day of school all over again. I went through six outfits this morning trying to look cute and professional, but not too showy and not like I'm trying to show off. The CEO is this hardcore bitch, who I am so enamored with. She is the Regina George to my Cady. I would do anything for her to love me. This is my life now.

I also started with a personal trainer a couple weeks ago and he is working me damn ragged 4 days a week in addition to my own sweet cardio routine. My body is thanking me for this by gaining 2 pounds. REALLY? REALLY?

All the men you heard about. Yeah. I got rid of them all. I just can't right now. Its too much and I'm already cracking its been one damn day.

Next week, I'm going on a cruise to the Bahamas. MWHAHAHAHAHA. SUCKERS.

Let's get to the real point of Manic Monday....Rogue assssssss groomsmen. Amy has been dealing with the groomsmen dilemma for months now. The original groomen party was Tyler (Jrod's brother), Compton Ass Arms (Jrod's HS buddy) and George (a psycho who once tried to steal my bra and hump a lamp, also Jrod's Marino's coworker).

The first to go was George. He was a crazy fuck to begin with. Like seriously, out of control drunken behavior but he did have some great dance moves...something between Mick Jagger and the Bernie. It really was amusing in a terrible way. On Coldpantsmas 2011, he took his own pants off and threw them into the snow. Not allowed. Anyways, he was a poor choice to begin with and when Jrod got promoted, he lost touch with George (also I believe George insulted Amy while drunk and then never talked to Jrod or Amy again...but not sure on that story).

So, George got replaced with Adam, who is the husband of one of the other bridesmaids, Aimee. A wise choice if you ask me, because Aimee is on top of her shit and won't let Adam slack off like groomsmen do.

Next to go was Compton Ass Arms (or John for those who prefer proper names). He's a crotch rocket riding, protein drinking, iron pumping Hulk wannabe to begin with. The first time I met him, Amy and I got incoherently drunk and sat in the "Compton Ass Clubhouse" (a little swing set in Jrod's parents' backyard) because we HATED him so very much. SO MUCH.

He and Jared have lost touch since last year when he got asked to be a groomsmen. Amy messaged him to inform him when the tux rental and rehearsal dinner would be held. He said he couldn't commit to coming to anything before the wedding. Are you joking??? Nothing??? Failure. So, finally, he backed down from his groomsmen position do to the fact he doesn't call or text Jared ever OR want to be a part of anything involving their wedding. 

So, John was replaced with Bogdan. Funny story, Bogdan is Amy and I's friend...not really Jared's BUT Bogdan is a dependable lad and Jared obviously chooses the shittiest groomsmen ever.

Does it end there? NO.

Jared' best man, Tyler, has a mountain man beard. It is socially unacceptable, but especially unacceptable for Amy's upcoming very expensive and very classy wedding photos. I don't think its out of the question to ask that he be clean shaven for the wedding, but every time its brought up, he becomes more and more adamant that the beard must stay. This even once culminated in tears over dinner...and no, they weren't Amy's tears. Le sigh.

In the mean time, I am trying to coordinator a bachelor and bachelorette joint party for August, where the two groups party on the beach all day and go separate ways for the evening. Generally the bachelor party is planned by the Best Man, so I contacted Tyler about it. And Amy contacted Tyler. 

And he ignored both of us. Looks like I will also be the Best Man in this wedding because the groom's OWN BROTHER can't even live up to being a best man. Considering was a gem Jared is, all those douchebags are seriously fucked up. I love Jared to frickin' death and he is really the best man for my best friend. I don't understand why even his own brother doesn't appreciate him.

Bottom line...Rogue ass groomsmen make wedding planning a pain in the ass for EVERYONE. Bridesmaid don't act this way (hopefully), why do groomsmen? Why it is necessary to cause extra stress? If you are fiscally unable or really busy with stuff, don't agree to be in a wedding...its pretty damn simple.

GAH. It felt good to get that off my back.

I love you, Jrod, and I'm prepared to be your best man as well.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Manic Mondays: A Crazy Manic Week in Review.

And back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Last week was a big fail on blogging, but there were way more exciting things going on in my week. Let's take a break from crazy ex boyfriends and go ahead and talk about my crazy, unexpected week.

Starting with last Monday, things gradually became so very far out of control in my social life. Monday morning was intensely normal. I decided to meet up with a guy from Match for shits and giggles. He's a nurse and personal training, so he had a break in morning which he asked me out for some coffee. He was a good looking guy named Shawn, really buff and pretty intense (like as in he sleeps like 3 hours a night because he believes it increases his productivity in life???). Coffee went fine, totally normal. After that, things got funny. He texted me constantly over the next 48 hours with increasingly crazy and semi-sexual questions (which I am an expert at avoiding completely). Then, randomly, throughout the week, less texts and more just him sending me photos, which is just plain odd. Last night, he sent me a photo and it came up as a group text to like 10 numbers. I just replied to all with, "I'm glad you just sent that to 10 phone numbers". Haven't heard from him since. NEXT.

Thursday, I randomly scored Greenskeeper passes to the Waste Management Open, which is a crazy 4 day drunkfest golf tournement in Scottsdale. Basically tickets are about $800 and anybody who's anybody in Scottsdale attends. Its not the polite golf you see on TV for sure. Greenskeeper passes are for a VIP lounge with catered food and open bar, so of course, Tiffany and I headed right on over there. Gorgeous day, 75 and sunny...perfect for day drinking. We got ABSOLUTELY hammered. In our sunbathing session, we met some old dude who we will call Jevin and his friends (because we kept calling him that instead of Kevin?) who we hauled over to Blue Martini after the festivities for happy hour. Hot, hot mess. From there, we went to Sandbar to sober up. Needless to say, it was 2am before we got home. Ridiculous.

At the Open itself, I met a dude named Manny, who is a 32 year old former professional baseball player turned YMCA director. Pretty cute, very nice and asked me to go to the Blackhawks-Coyotes this Thursday. SCORE. He was in Tahoe all weekend for a Bachelor Party but has been drunk calling me and texting all damn weekend, so I'll assume he's certainly in love with me. We'll see how that goes.

On Friday, I went out with my friend, Justin, who has been just a friend up until this particular evening. We went to Sushi Brokers and did a whole lotta Sake Bombs. He's this 24 year old cutie from Texas who use to be in the Air Force. All Southern Gentlemanly. I like it a lot. 

Saturday, I randomly also scored tickets to the Open. So Lacie, Malorie and her boyfriend, James, all headed out with our boxed wine roadies for another all day drinking extravaganza. After that, Justin invited me out to this shitty bar called Shenanians with all of his friends. We spent the evening drinking and playing pool. Spark flew. You know the story.

Late Saturday night, the guy who I mentioned last week as being COMPLETELY bad for me got back into town from LA (who will now be referred to as Colin), so I stopped to hang out with him on my way home since he lives up the road. It was very nice to hang out with him. He really is adorable and very sweet...just so frickin' bad for me. What to do, what to do. I was watching SATC today and Carrie had the perfect quote to describe it: "We were like a red wall, good in theory but in reality, really bad."

Sunday was fairly chill. Did the Super Bowl thing with Tiffany and Justin and some people. Cooked really high calorie food. Ate everything. No drinking, as I was done after my 4 day binge. Today, Colin took me to see Warm Bodies aka Zombies meet Twilight aka my current favorite book aka I loved the movie way too much. I felt kind of like I was 16 again seeing the movie with him in an empty theater. Very cute, very cute.

Sooooo, that's it. I'm a Manic Dater this week. Things are happening. When it rains, it pours. What happens next, I have no frickin' idea. I'm just planning to stay on track with dieting and the gym. Pump it up this month with my new personal trainer and get bikini body ready for my Bahamas cruise in 18 days! WUT UP VACAY!!!!

Tomorrow, we'll discuss my wedding dilemmas and how broke I will be come September. Hint: 8 flights, 4 states, 2 dresses and NO DATES. Ballin'.