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Monday, January 28, 2013

Manic Monday Follow Up: Brandon #1


As we know, last week I told the story about how my ex boyfriend, Greg, resurfaced with dick pics and then crawled back into the hole he lives in. This week, fan favorite Brandon #1 has finally resurfaced from the hole the I buried him in when I called out his super douchbaggery all over my blog and then everyone hated him, even though I secretly still thought about him for a long time because well, he was the first guy I really, really liked after the Ex.

For our new comers at SGIEWW, here is the three part dramatic saga of Brandon #1:

Its certainly worth a read. I just re-read them and actually rolled around on the floor laughing at the ridiculousness of all of it. Anyways, a few weeks ago, Brandon #1 popped up again asking me to hang out. We finally got together on Friday night for sushi and drinks at RA in Old Town Scottsdale. I ran a 5k on Saturday, so I wasn't planning anything for Friday night anyways. I love going on dates when I have nothing better to do. Its basically me, living my single girl, martini drinking life WHILE also getting mucho male attention and free dinner on my off days from being a socialite at Blue Martini.

We had a lovely, uneventful dinner. Chatted, caught up, the usual shit. The chemistry is certainly still there. He still is a big sexy teddy bear, I won't lie about that. He walked me to my car in the rain, like a real gentleman. I hugged him and sent him on his merry way. I was also very adamant that I no longer want a boyfriend of any kind. This statement makes men INSANE. That's why I say it. Hehe.

So, we've texted a bit over the weekend. Made tentative plans to see each other again AS FRIENDS (hehe) this coming Saturday night. I just don't really understand (or care?) why he has popped up again. I suspect its because it is currently raining men in my life and I already have my eye set on the one who is the WORST FIT for me. Like really, why do I do this to myself? Glutton for punishment.

This week is going to be a very exciting date week for sure, especially because the ONE GUY I have my eyes on returns from a long trip to LA on Saturday night. More on that later. I know he's going to read this and so I will say no more until I see him this weekend and have a substantial story about why he is the WORST IDEA EVER, but I will pursue it because I like to fix things. I like projects. Its what I do.

Also have a few more date reviews to post and a Kyle, my future fiance, update for all of those who are still rooting for my long distance lover.


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

WTF Wednesday: HOLY SHIT.

Holy Shit.

Caution...this is a lot of information on my bodily functions.
So, I'm really not big on bodily functions. I do not appreciate burps, farts, poop chat or anything else. I know a lot of people are open about these things. For instance, Amy's fiance, Jared, loves to talk about his poop. He has gone as far as to photograph the deed and text it to his friends....he's that proud of it. My friend, Kyle, is also very open on the status of his bowel movements. He eats a ton of protein so this is plentiful as I learned after sharing a hotel room with him for a week in Hawaii. I, however, am not one to discuss this things, but really this story is truly WTF Wednesday approved.

As we all know, I've been working on my fitness. Up until now, I've been taking a multivitamin and such to make sure I'm getting all my nutrients and stuff up in my body. I was out of my normal vitamins and had nothing to do today, so I spent the morning reading up on what vitamins are recommended for weight loss and muscle strength for women. I made a list and promptly marched on over to Hi Health to pick up some new vita-goodies. 

I got all the stuff on my list, including a probiotic (which encourages digestive health) which was infused with castor oil. What is castor oil? Where have I heard this before? Oh yes, last week, Tiffany was telling me how castor oil is something that naturopathetic doctors use on pregnant women to induce labor naturally because it expels everything from your body, including babies. Perhaps this should have been when I put it back on the shelf.

But I didn't. So,  I came home around noon and took a handful of my new fancy vitamins including those castor oil probiotics. They're vitamins, what could they really do, right? Right. Uh huh.

So, I do Zumba from 6-7pm on Wednesday nights, but I had a fairly important phone interview scheduled right for 5:30pm. I decided to get to Zumba early, park, take my call and then go shake my ass off. On my way to Zumba, I started feeling a bit funny. Lots of tummy rumbling and churning. Hmmm, I thought. Maybe those vitamins were a bit much on my stomach. 

By the time my phone interview came, my stomach is literally biting me from the inside out. I felt those devil pills pounds on my intestinal system. I'm trying to focus on my phone interview and this lady's crazy detailed questions, and I'm literally sweating because my stomach is churning and cramping.

Seemingly it had subsided by Zumba time, so Zumba I did. Probiotics + Bounging around for an hour. Holy Shit. HOLY SHIT.

They say you have to celebrate the little things in life. Today, I'm celebrating that I did not shit my pants during Zumba...although I really thought I was going to.

These things only happen to me. Welcome to WTF Wednesday!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Manic Mondays: When an Ex Resurfaces

Ex Boyfriends pop up at the weirdest times.

This isn't really an ex boyfriend crazy story, but it kinda of is because ex boyfriends pop up when you are very least expecting it doing the things you very least expect. In this case, my post-Australia ex boyfriend, Greg, popped up texting me on late Saturday night. 

I wrote a while ago on Manic Monday about Greg. He's the boyfriend who liked my family better than me and when we broke up for no real reason at all, I held his dress shirts hostage in my family's lake house for all eternity. Not sure what happened to them. Not sure I care.

Anyways, we've gone through a number of cycles friending and defriending each other over the past 2.5 years that we've been broken up. We are currently Facebook friends. He does read my blog. That was confirmed on Saturday night.

We have a quiet Facebook friendship. Its not like College Ex Boyfriend and I, who exchange links about zombies and occasion witty banter. I feel like our relationship is fairly hindered because he has a girlfriend and let's be honest, if I were his girlfriend, I wouldn't want him talking to me. I am extremely attractive these days.

So yeah, Greg and I don't speak on Facebook. A few likes here and there. Perhaps a "Happy Holidays". Nothing special or different, and we certainly do not text message each other. Like I said, our break up was something that happened and we moved on. I'm not sure Greg even liked me at all. He was so un-upset when I dumped him, I swear. 

On Saturday night, I had a night. One of those nights that's suppose to be a few drinks, but they were looked way too pretty and single (three brunettes walk into a bar...), so everyone bought us shots. Long story short, we got kicked out of Sandbar by 11pm for being too intoxicated and had to move the party to Blue Martini, where I shamelessly white girl booty bounced on a lighted platform and probably showed my ChaCha to an entire bar. 

We got way drunker than socially appropriate. I don't know how it happened but it did. When I got home, I was laying in Tiffany's guest bedroom waiting for the room to stop violently spinning so I could sleep. Then my phone started blowingggg up. 

It was Greg. Sending me an endless supply of dick pics. 

Then I passed out while laughing hysterically.

Well, I guess he reads my blog. HEY GREGGY!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

WTF Wednesdays: Guys, we need to talk about dick pics really quick.

At the risk of being raunchy, we need an intervention.


I repeat.


Not now. Not late at night. Not ever.

Welcome to WTF Wednesday. I've got some real spit and vinegar over this topic. Last Friday night, I went out like any normal 20 something year old but was in bed fairly early because I like to work out early on Saturday mornings and not waste my life as I did for most of the previous years of my 20 somethings.

On Saturday morning, I woke up with THREE photos of dicks. THREE. These photos came from three guys, who are not guys I am currently dating...they certainly were not solicited by any means. I haven't talk to ANY of these gentleman in quite some time. I swear I'm like Dickerella. Clock strikes 12, every random guy I've ever met in my life sends me a photo of his junk.

I do have some repeat offenders. We have the guy that Amy and I refer to as "Naked Selfie Guy" who repeatedly sends me random and unsolicited photos of him flexing nude in his bathroom. He is a friend of mine...a good friend actually. We have no romantic relationship and yet, his drunk ass thinks this is a wise decision. I also have some sporadic repeat offenders, like this guy I know through my sorority sister, Jenna. I actually don't even know the guy personally, just by association, and I get the occasional dick pic. I also have this guy, Tim, who I dated WAY back in March. We don't talk any more AT ALL, but occasionally there it is. I never reply, he never sends an actual text. I don't get it.

So, gentleman, I just want to let you know what I do when you send me a dick pic.

1.) I laugh to myself.
2.) I copy it and immediately send it to Amy and Jared. Everyone loves a surprise dick text.
3.) I copy and send a bulk message to my "Dick Pic Sisters" group in my contacts. This group consists of a variety of my sorority sisters who also find dick pics hilarious.
4.) We make fun of your peepee for HOURS on end by group text message.

This is the truth. This is what we do. We make fun of you. I don't find it sexy. It doesn't excite me in anyway. I just make fun of you with alllllll of my friends.

Bottom line....please stop. Not just sending to me, but to all women. We don't like them. We don't want them. Your penis looks like ALL other penis on earth. There is nothing unique. None of them are good looking or attractive, so just stop.

Please and thank you.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I don't know what happened to Manic Monday. Oh wait...I drank it.

Mondays at Blue Martini are just bad news.

Sorry guys, I am a very irresponsible blogger and decided to go get hammered on a Monday night instead of posting a fabulous blog for all of you. I had a good one all ready to go and be posted, and BAM, it was 2am on Tuesday morning. I don't even know how that happened. 

So, last night was a mess. A good friend of mine wanted to go to Blue Martini for happy hour because her boyfriend was at a bachelor party in Vegas. I readily agreed because I NEVER turn down a good happy hour offer, even though I am significantly cutting back on the drinking and eating out until the end of February when I have to be bikini ready on a cruise to the Bahamas. One last hooray on this fine Monday evening, I thought to myself.

Anyways,  we went out. Favorite band is playing. Favorite bartender tending bar. Fairly crowded with single men. Perfect scene. All was going well in the night when a guy sitting across the bar from me starting smiling and catching my eye. I only noticed because I was already staring at him since he was my type: late 30's, city slicker looking, oozing Scottsdale class. Perfect. (Take your judgement elsewhere, I am unemployed and drinks are pricey). 

So, we were about to order a new round of drinks when the guy shouts to Troy (the favorite bartender) to buy us the next round. Typically, the next move is to go stand by the dude and make polite conversation until you drift away with your free drink. However, because he was super cute, we struck up a conversation about skiing (He just broke his leg skiing and was on crutches). He was CLEARLY very into me. Twice divorced, 4 young kids, typical Blue Martini patron, but buying us drinks for as long as we stood there, so stood we did.

Don't get me wrong, he was a really nice guy and actually we had great chemistry. Shame that he's obviously a piece of shit if he's gone through two wives before the age of 40. So, he and I continue talking and the band comes over to chat with us. As you all know, I previously had a major crush on the guitarist of this band. Its pretty much waned completely because I am too busy being an emotional basket case to have meaningful crushes or relationships. 

So, I'm chatting with Mr. Divorcee (named Matt, which is just a bad omen, I think) and my friend is cuddling up to the guitarist. Soon enough they're off at their own table and MAKING OUT. She clearly knew that I had always had a crush on him...and there they are making out.

I tried not to be salty. I tried not to show I was upset on my face, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm sure I looked like a sourpussed biotch. The best I could do was ignore it and keep chatting with Matt the Divorcee. Turns out, that really paid off for me because when he was paying his $86 tab (our's was $6 and we didn't even pay it....questionable), he paid with a $100 bill, which he had a bunch of in his wallet. Then, he hands me a $100 and says "This is my security deposit that I'm going to take you out for dinner and wine". Ummmmm, thanks?

SERIOUSLY THESE THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME. For fucks sake, this guy just handed me a $100 bill and told me to keep it. COULD THIS NIGHT GET WEIRDER?

So, in the car ride home, my friend was saying "Oh yeah, he told me he thought you had a crush on him but really he eyes were all on me, blah blah blah". Really, girl? You're adding insult to injury. You knew I liked him and then...this? I know I'm being sensitive but do we really need to rub it in? I mean, whatever, its not a big deal. Its not the first or last time a guy I'm attracted to was into one of my friends. Please, I grew up being friends with gorgeous and witty Amy. Every guy chose her over me. Basically use to it.

So, why I'm really salty here is....I lost all this weight and I'm still getting passed over. So, it wasn't that I was fat....then what is it? Too tall? Too loud? Not pretty? Let's just add the events of tonight to the ever growing list of my bizarre weight loss insecurities.

Bottom line: Nothing good comes of getting drunk on Monday nights. I need a job. Gah.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

A Week in Date Review Heaven: 3 dates, 5 days and One Indecent Proposal.

I'm back, bitches.

Over the holidays, I took a break from dating. Or rather, I should say I spent my holidays dating plates of cookies, cheese cake, hash browns and other related items I shouldn't have been putting in my mouth. Anyways, the holidays are over and we're back in the dating game and more determined than ever to find someone awesome to share my awesome 2013 with.

Early in the week, I went on a date with Aaron #1. He's a newbie to Phoenix, into body building and fitness, late twenties, pretty good looking guy. He asked me out to Pita Jungle (Really? Are we back to this trend?) and I accepted. I had just gotten over the flu and didn't have much of an appetite or desire to drink. When we sat down, the waitress took our drink order. I ordered a diet coke and he ordered a "diet water". Haha. Corny... When the waitress comes back, she brings a diet coke and a water. And he's like, "Oh no, I didn't order a diet coke". The waitress is like, "You said Diet and a water". Then he launched into a detailed explanation of his corny joke. I am embarrassed for him. The date was fine, he was just too nice and tried wayyyyy to hard. Many, many corny jokes and inspirational fitness tirades. Too many "well, this should be your outlook on life". On the way out, we walked to our cars that were parked just about 50 feet from the door. He offered me his coat. He told me to start my car so I wouldn't be cold while we chatted by the cars. Too much. Too much. In the days following the date, he posted various commentary on my Facebook statuses and blog posts about having a positive life outlook and how I should do this that and the other. Unimpressed. I just can't. NEXT.

Date #2 was with Aaron #2. Aaron is a cool guy, 30ish, from the Cave Creek area. After a few days of going back and forth on when we should meet up, we finally got together for Reverse Happy Hour at Friday's right across from my condo. He was a really nice guy, pretty cute and 6'5, so total brownie points for being an appropriate height for me to wear heels. We had a nice chat, he told me my photos don't do me justice for how beautiful I am (we met on Match) which gained him more brownie points. I like when guys text me immediately after a date and tell me how they enjoyed themselves. I will likely see him again. He was having some sort of eye surgery the next day, but after he recovers, I suspect I will see him again. There is potential there.

Date #3 left me a bit puzzled. The guy, Skyland (neat name, no?), messaged me and asked me out for a drink pretty much right away. I had no plans so I figured what the hell. We met up at a hole in the wall sports bar for a couple drinks fairly early in the evening. Nice guy, 28, also 6'5, very cute. However, he's not really looking for a relationship. UMMMM....WHY ARE WE HERE? He just got out of a two year relationship with...wait for it...a TWENTY year old. As in, not even legal to drink. That is just odd. We had great conversation. Maybe I'll see him again. Its pretty up in the air whether I waste my time with someone who is so fresh out of a relationship for sure. 

Now...the indecent proposal. I mean, its really not indecent...its just I don't know what to do with it. Back, way back, I blogged about why some people stay in our lives long term and others just fizzle away, and I talked about a guy who I have been friends with for 10 years but had never dated named Kyle. We've had a rocky relationship, a mixture of crushing on each other and rude drunken texts back and forth. Since September, he had pretty much fallen off the face of the earth since he moved to Central Illinois to live with his brother and I was doing whatever it is I do in Phoenix. 

Apparently, he got super sick after complications of an appendix removal and spent the past 3 months in the hospital nearly dead several times due to extreme infection spreading throughout his body and into his heart. Now that he's better and home, he felt like he had a second chance in life and got back in touch with me. He thinks I'm the one. He believes he is in love with me. That I am the girl who has been with him through thick and thin for so many years. He wants to marry me one day.

WHAT? WHAT IS MY LIFE? WHAT DOES SOMEONE EVEN SAY TO THOSE THINGS? Talk about throwing a damn curve ball in my life.  Holy hell. Disaster. DISASTER. DISASTER. 

Here's to making good decisions in 2013!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

WTF Wednesday: Amy and the Wedding Invites

Creating Wedding Invites is not for the faint of heart

 Yesterday night, Amy and I were talking wedding invites and how she needed to create the summery, vintage imagery for her perfect wedding invites. Being the all supportive and helpful Maid of Honor with a knack for In Design and a good eye for the adorable, I said I would put together a few templates for invites that might tickle her fancy.

This morning, we began was I thought would be an easy and fast process. Pick template, pick words, bam...send to printer. RIGHT? RIGHT? HAHAHAHA. Not. Not at all.

Luckily, Amy is a gracious bride and loved all three of my templates. However, approximately 6 hours later, we had gone through approximately 50 different versions of colors, fonts, sizes, shapes, invites. Because I'm using In Design and I am by no means a graphic designer, it took me 7 years to make the multiple changes to get the invites to perfect....which actually was never achieved.

I don't blame Amy for her 700000000 changes she continued to make throughout the day. Some of them were necessary, some of them frivolous, some of just wrong and made us take a step back to whatever we were doing before. 

Bottom line: Wedding Invites are really hard. I had no idea. I had noooooooooo idea how many little details are in it. On the surface, its easy. In the details, it makes you want to kill yourself.

Now I know why graphic designers put a limit on the amount of edits anyone can make to any design...because if they did what we did with the back and forth, they would actually go insane with multiple clients. If I were a professional, I would've made a bazillion dollars already based on charging per edit that brides want on wedding invitations. Seriously. This shit was making me insane.

So, at the end of the day, Amy was going to make a final list of changes and I will make them...and there will still likely be more changes. The good part is, she isn't paying per edit and I love her, so I'm happy to do it, even though it is insanely tedious. I really am just happy to be involved in her wedding plans...she could be leaving me out completely and I would be a very sad camper.

Bridesmaid Pro Tip: 
Don't volunteer for things you aren't ready to jump full force into. Don't do it if you're going to half ass it or are not willing to deal with making something to complete perfection in the bride's eyes. No matter how easy you think the task is, it is not if it involves a wedding.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Manic Mondays: Tales from a Psycho Ex Girlfriend

I am seriously a headcase. I can't even deny it.

Listen up guys, I can to an important realization this week. I am an actual certifiable headcase. Like, I'm not sure if my brain has always been wired this way or if its been slowly mutated by coming in contact with too many douche bag males in my life. Right now, it seems like everyone is breaking up. A bunch of my girliefriends in Phoenix and all over really, have recently broken up with long term boyfriends. This is fairly great for me because now they're all single and want to get white girl wasted on Wednesday (and every other) night of the week. I enjoy a good party, so I'm down, but its sad to see my friends hurting and playing out the whole "ITS ALRIGHT ITS OKAY SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT YOU" but lezbereal, y'all are heart broken, even if you initiated the break up because of a severely immature and emotionally stunted manchild.

My point is, their sadness is making me sad and making me realize I am a crazy person. I am a psycho ex girlfriend. I do not know how to fix this. I am not over the Ex even though its been almost a year and I tell myself I am, but I'm not and it sucks and its making me slowly crazier.

Why is all of this surfacing now? Partially because of the break ups going on around me, but also because while I was home in Chicago, I was alerted by a friend that the Ex had posted a photo on Facebook with his NEW GIRLFRIEND, but not to worry, because I am 1000 times prettier than her.

I was sitting in Moretti's at dinner with Amy, Jared and Bugz and literally my stomach dropped out of body and knotted up in an angry and sad ball on the floor. I don't blame the friend who told me--- in fact I would've been pissed off if she knew and didn't tell me. Double edged sword. I don't even know why I care so much, but basically ever since I found this out the week before Christmas, I've been concocting delusions of how I will run into him and what I will say to make him hurt in a very bad way. This is why I am a) clearly not over him, b) clearly not ready for a relationship, c) a nutcase to the fullest extent.

So, now I share with you my top 5 delusions of how I will one day run into the Ex:

1.) I'll be at his favorite Starbucks fiddling on my laptop wearing my nerdy glasses and cute yoga pants and he'll walk in. I'll just look at him and smile, and he will turn on his heels and run out of his local Starbucks. He'll never return, too frightened that I might be there.

2.) I'll be late night grocery shopping at Walmart (because that's usually what I do on Friday nights, shut up, they have good organic produce) and he'll be there. I'll be fresh off a work out, still in my sweet workout gear but not too sweaty. We'll run into each other and make pleasantries. I'll say, "Oh yes, I'm doing great. I lost 80 pounds. Looks like you gained every single one I lost." And then, I'll walk away.

3.) He roams into my territory at Blue Martini. My sexy, youthful friends and I are sipping Skinny Bitch martinis in the VIP booth with the band dresses in fabulous gowns of sequins and feathers. We laugh and laugh at his inferiority as the bartender ignores his pauper self. I tell the bartender to send him a Troyinator (Jack Daniels and Rumplemans...in a one combined shot). He receives it, looks to see who sent it. Barely recognizes the gorgeous thing laughing at him. He takes the shot and vomits on the bar because well...its a Troyinator.

4.) I'm at the track in my very big hat and my very hot and wealthy male suitor having mint juleps over a few races. My horse wins his race and I'm in the Winner's Circle being photographers with large hat and beautiful partially owned horse. He's in the pauper stands glaring as I bask in the glorious Phoenix sun.

5.) I get really skinny, put on a bikini and go knock on his door. When he opens it, I'll yell, "LOOK WHAT YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON, YOU MOTHER FUCKING TINY DICKED FLESHY FAT FUCKING PIG FACED SLOB".

I'm not angry. Not at all. I'm not bitter. Not at all.

I feel better getting thing off my chest....I gotta get over it. I really do. Its been nearly a year. CMON, NICOLE, GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER. 

Oy, I've still got a ways to go.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A Single Girl's Review of 2012, NYE and Resolutions for 2013

2012 was certainly a year of growth...On to 2013, kthnxbaiiii.

 2012 was an interesting year, to say the very least. I did heaps of maturing this year and learned a lot of lessons the hard way. I also made some of the most amazing friends, strengthened and rejuvenated my friendships with old buddies and as always, continued to have a very support family, despite some inevitable disfunction. Let's review the top 10 things that happened to me this year:

In 2012....

1.) I started this silly blog (and how glad I am to have an outlet for crazy talk). 

2.) I lost 70 pounds.

3.) I got my heart really, really broken (torn out, stomped and smashed).

4.) I moved to Phoenix and built a new life here.

5.) I visited Dubai and Hawaii for the first time.

6.) I was given the honor to be the Maid of Honor in TWO of my BFF's weddings.

7.) I lost my job (if that isn't humbling, what is?).

8.) I got an Iphone (this is a big deal as a former Blackberry enthusiast).

9.) I became financially independent (like I pay my own rent, its shocking, I know).

10.) I turned 25 (I can't believe I even made it this long with my shady behavior).

I really feel like 2012 was a year of growth for me. Your 20's are hard and they're meant for these types of life experiences, as good or as horrible as they may be. I'm petty glad 2012 is over, I'll be honest. In the words of my #1 Fan Girls, Mel and Rebs, on the phone today, "Your ex is a creepy douche and 2013 is going to be YOUR year!". And I truly believe this. 2013 is going to be challenging and I'm sure it won't be all roses, but there's nothing but up from here. I accomplished so many things in 2012 who are shaping who I am in my adult life, I can't help but be proud of myself.

So, Tiffany and I needed to kick 2012's ass and welcome 2013 in the best way we could: gorgeous, sparkly and drunken. We opted for a night at Blue Martini since its nearby and we're basically VIP's there. It was an amazing time. Tiffany got cut off at 11:40pm. We met tons of people. I got a nice midnight kiss from some guy named Mike. Tiffany and I nearly choked on the stupid appetizers coming around. We got to tip the bartender the same $20 multiple times. Everyone told us we were the prettiest ones there. I even got called Aphrodite and I felt drunk and special. We were all over the only taxi rolling by at the end of the night. That's really all I could ask for.

Heyyyyy Sexyyyyy Ladiesssss

Midnight Champagne Toast


Top 5 New Year's Resolutions for 2013...

1.) 2012 is the last year I will ever be a fat girl. I will loose 50 more pounds and tone up. I want to be more fit than I ever have in my life.

2.) Stop depending on others to dictate my happiness and let go of things I cannot control. Be in charge of my own emotions.

3.) Never let a man determine my self worth again.

4.) Stop being jealous of people who have something I do not. The grass is only greener where you water it.

5.)  Count my blessings everyday. Learn to cope when things don't go my way.

Happy New Year to all the SGIEWW Readers! Share your new years resolutions with me...I gotta know who else is getting inspired to be a better you in 2013. Remember, its OUR year.