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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Uber is Saving My Life One Drunk Disastrous Date at a Time

Uber is Saving My Life One Drunk Disastrous Date at a Time

If you people don't know what Uber is, you're missing out. Its basically the best thing ever if you're a classy, but forever drunk, person in urban area (which I think applies to most my readers):

1.) You can summon an Uber car and see how far away it is in real time ALL WITH THE MOBILE APP. You can literally watch your ride move toward your location. The little cars are really cute on the app too. No more repeatedly calling Yellow Cab demanding a cab at 9pm on a Friday or subsequently having to wander into traffic and show a little leg at 3am to get home.

2.) Drivers for Uber are really nice. I recently got disastrously drunk in Old Town Scottsdale and summoned Uber to pick me as I chowed down on a jumbo slice of pizza. Before I could even finish my slice, the Uber car had arrived. I piled in the front seat, caught my high heel in the hem of my skirt and fell face first into the driver, dropping my pizza slice into his lap. He still graciously drove me home. I still ate the remaining pizza. Sorry, I'm not Sorry.

3.) Its cheaper and classier than a traditional cab. I recently was in Chicago for a wedding and got in a cab. When I went to close the door, I grabbed the door handle full of vomit from the last passenger. Not acceptable...does not happen with Uber.

4.) It gives you choices! You can summon a black SUV or car for a classy night out or use UberX to get a local driver in a nice, clean ride to come get you.

5.) The app charges your ride directly to your credit card which, for people like me who don't ever have cash, not even a penny, is a life saver. No more awkward tipping situations or negotiating fares (maybe only I do this in DC?). You can also split the fare with a friend if you both have the app or swap to the business mode which keeps notes for your expense reports. After your ride, it emails you a handy little receipt. Its harder to lose emails than it is to lose tiny little paper receipts that end up crumpled in the bottom of my purse.

6.) And right now, my bestie Rachel is offering you an amazing Uber deal. Download the app, use the promo code "RACHELUBER" and get $20 in free credit on your first ride. DO IT.

You're the best, kiddos.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

What are the chances I end up in a love triangle in Scottsdale?

The answer is 100%, because my life is ridiculous.

I mean, its not exactly a love triangle but it is a series of odd coincidences where the stars have aligned to once again make me look like a hot ass mess. I'm shocked.

So, I cut all of my low hanging fruit of men from my tree a couple weeks ago because I was tired of all of them and needed a fresh start. This fresh start was to be celebrated with a raucous weekend out in Old Town Scottsdale for no particular reason, but wait...let's back up a little.

Part 1

I became immediately bored of having no male attention in my life on last week Tuesday. I download Tinder, which is a "Hot or Not" type dating app that is very popular in Phoenix and has location based matching. No one can talk to you unless its a mutual match. I loved it immediately. I started chatting with a dude named Blondey, who is smart and cute and busy, just like me. We realize we can't figure out a time to get together until this week. We keep in touch but not like super actively.

Part 2

Friday night, I had drinks with Tiffany and our new best friend, Halle, who is Andrea's friend who just moved to Phoenix. After two drinks, I try to con Tiffany into going to Sand Bar, but she knows better (per last Friday night's 5am adventures). I go home and start Tindering because I'm 2 drinks in and exhausted from a long week-- aka recipes for flirtation disaster. I strike up a convo with this dude who's photos show him as a country music super star. I'm immediately interested in dating a Dierks Bentley looking cowboy fella. He invited me to watch him perform at a bar on Sunday after the Bears game. I consider this option because I like to feel famous and say "I'm with the Band".

Part 3

Tiffany and I decided to go out in Old Town on Saturday night and get extremely drunk because we had $50 in free Lyft credit to get home. The best. We start out at Whiskey Row where there are 2 for 1 Fireball shots. Rookie mistake. A few Fireballs later, I spy a very tall man in the bar. We all know men over 6'5 are like candy to me. I march over and announce we are genetically meant to be together because our children would be frickin' professional linebackers. I am so charming. 

So, I manage to exchange phone numbers with my fellow giant/life partner. Then we hop over to Martini Ranch and Tiffany tells the bouncer we're with the band, and he let's us skip the line and not pay cover. SEE IT WORKS. FAMOUS4LYFE.

Part 4

It is now Sunday and I am viciously hung over. Fireballs are a bad idea. Life is made better because I am texting with the Tall Guy while simultaneously eating hash browns and wanting to die. I am also getting Tinder messages from Country Singer, asking me and friend to come hang out. CLEARLY NO. I look like a dead hooker. I am never leaving bed....until 5pm when I was tempted with tacos at a Bears bar in Old Town. El Hefe is packed but they had food and $8 40 oz. Beergaritas so I immediately get over my hangover and switch the party mode flip. I become best friends with everyone except the Packers fans.

Tall Guy is across the street another bar in Old Town. He promises to come visit, my phone dies and I am drunk. Eventually he shows up and I hug him with such fury that I crush his $130 Raybans with my tits. Once again, so charming.

Tall Guy mentions that he was just across the street hanging out with his friend who performs there on Sunday nights after the football game. Ummm....uh oh.....

Why yes, Tall Guy and Country Singer are good buddies from college.

Part 5

I wander over to where Country Singer is on the bar, playing guitar and singing despite this excellent revelation I've just made at El Hefe. I act mega casual when he finally finishes his set and comes over to grab a hug from me. I immediately question him about Tall Guy. I am drunk. He is probably really confused. Whatever. Friends haul me out of the bar at 10pm before I make a really bad decision.

Part 6

Tall Guy and I hang out Monday night. I like him a lot. I inform Country Singer we should be bro's only. He's fine with this because he says Tall Guy is one of the most gentlemanly and great dudes on earth. I agree.

Part 7

Its Wednesday night and I finally made plans with that guy from part 1, Blondey, to grab a drink in between work/working out/tindering. We have some drinks, chat about college, etc. He mentions he was in a fraternity at ASU. Then he tells me its the same one Tall Guy is in, but they're a couple years apart in age...it can't be..what are the chances. Alarms are going off in my head.

When he adds me on Facebook, I notice Tall Guy is a mutual friend of ours. I ask him how he knows him. Tall Guy is Blondey's big brother in their fraternity. He also knows Tall Guy's friends, Country Singer. 



I'm fucked.

So, in college there was this guy who dated my Grand Big Sister in the sorority when she was a freshman and I believe, he was a senior. When my Big Sister was a freshman, a year later, she dated the same guy, still a senior. And then I dated him, 6 years from the start of it all, when I was a junior in college, and he was still a senior. He tried to get to my Little Sister too, the next year, but we warned her to stay away.

He is a legend in our sorority for these actions. Now I am this man, except not a man, not in college and certainly in Scottsdale. These things only happen to me.


I think someone is trying to teach me a lesson. Perhaps I will go back to the suggestion of dating one gentleman at a time is a swell idea. I can't even on my life anymore. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

A Tale of Eight Brandons

Summer Vacation is Over.

You may have noticed I have been on "summer vacation" since I ended my Quarter Life Crisis two months ago to the date. Many things have happened, including but not limited to:

1.) Making it through Weddingpocalypse 2013 without having a bridesmaid nervous breakdown.
2.) Sustaining a fairly serious foot injury that can only be contributed to too much twerking.
3.) Being in a 5 day Facebook relationship.
4.) Completing the convention I've been working on for a year.
5.) Meeting someone smart and awesome and cute and pretty special (just last night actually #smokeshow).

While I do plan to dedicate a week of blogs to all of the Wedding goodness I participated in during the past months, I needed to get back in the swing of things and update everyone with a very important service announcement:

Do not date Brandons. Don't do it. It never works out.

Perhaps my long time readers will remember where it all started with the Tale of Two Brandons blog post. Literally, to the date, I started my epic year of Brandons and I'm here to put an end to it. 

If you aren't familiar with the start of this story, I recommend you catch up right here.

And so it went. Two Brandons turned into three..and four..and here we are a year later...Brandon #8. Check out my phone contact list these days...my affinity for Brandons has turned into an insurmountable challenge now. Are they all bad Brandon apples? Is there a shining star out there still named Brandon?

Perhaps you are wondering why I do not run the other way when I meet a Brandon-- the truth is, I just can't accept than Brandon's are all ridiculous douchebags. So I jump right in, test the waters and yep, they're still douchey as ever. I really struggle to believe this name is cursed, but let's review this year's track record.

Brandon #1
Brandon #1 was the first guy I was really into after my Phoenix Ex. Unfortunately we could never get on the same page because he was flakey as hell. For three quarters of a year, he played games, asking me out, cancelling dates, see me here and there. I just couldn't quit him, until he quit me and met someone else "unexpectedly". I almost cared, but not really, because he really knew how to push my buttons. Read the original conflict here.

Brandon #2
I liked him. I really did. Until this. He did pop up with a new phone number several months ago, telling me how he tried to pursue a business idea I had shared with him while dating, and failed. Once again, asking for a third chance. Just no. NO NO NO NO.

Brandon #3
Ain't much to say about Brandon #3 besides he was a real dud. Read the story of how we met here

Brandon #4
Brandon #4 isn't actually my story. He belongs to my friend who met him on a popular online dating site that we both had profiles on. We had both thought he was a very cute dude (we often compared local men who appeared on the site for funsies). Lacie got into his good graces and they went out to lunch a few times. Because she's a creep, like me, she found his Instagram account, unknowingly to him, which was stocked with heaps of engagement photos, photos of his newly obtained MARRIAGE LICENSE, cutsie couple photos, etc. Just wow. Two weeks before he's getting married, he's dating chick online. STELLAR. 

He did get married. We saw it happen on Instagram. I tried to convince her we should wedding crash, but she's not nearly as much of a trouble maker as I am. Instead, she got wine drunk one night and message his new wife about his shenanigans--since he actively used his profile even days after his marriage. She read it. No reply. My friend also taunted him with knowing his secret. No reply. People are so not fun these days.

Brandon #5
Brandon #5 was the subject of my mad catfishing skillz. While Tiffany and I were enjoying a fabulous evening at Blue Martini, I met him and we had a photo with his friend. I recall none of this. Until I found the cute dude in my photo the next day and decidedly made him Brandon #5. The search was on.

AND HE WAS FOUND nearly 2.5 months later thanks to a whole lot of Facebook snooping. Man, I am a real creep sometimes. Nothing much came of it. #DudCity

Brandon #6
And then there was Brandon #6. This was the one who changed it all. We met on a Thuesday night while my Little, Rachel, was in town visiting and we were having an absolutely out of control evening (he's a bouncer at SandBar, my new favorite bar since Naked Selfie Guy became a bouncer at Blue Martini--- Side note: I clearly need to re-evaluate why I think dating bouncers at bars I frequent is a wise idea.) Anyways, things were hot and heavy within days. We were inseparable for a couple weeks, even lifting together in the gym (THAT'S A BIG DEAL, GUISE). Even a 5 day Facebook relationship. It was serious, guys, really. Until it wasn't, as he was needy and broke and probably a little too young for my taste. Then we broke up and all hell has broken loose since then. I still prance around SandBar flirting with all the men, twerking every chance I get, and him glaring distinctively in my direction. My bad. (I actually feel bad for getting in so deep and bailing suddenly with someone who is very sensitive and a little unstable anyways due to PTSD, but he was pretty mean after we broke up therefore I DO WHAT I WANT). 

Brandon #7
Met Brandon #7 just weeks after Brandon #6. I explained kindly why I no longer date Brandon's. He wanted the challenge to be the final Brando, but I knew he would just be Brandon #7. We went out once, had a good time, then his grandfather died and the Jewish holidays happened and he disappeared slowly but surely, closing yet another dating chapter and sealing his fate as just another Brandon. 

Brandon #8
And then there was Brandon #8. He isn't a douchebag. He's smart and funny and a person trainer. All thing I like. However, he is a Packers fan and that is a deal breaker. Brandon #8, re-assess your NFL alliances and we can talk.

The Bottom Line

Brandons are a bunch of bad apples. I'm done. Really. 


Maybe like 3 more? Okay, but no. It must end.

I need help.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

July 17th marks the end of my Quarter Life Crisis

July 17, 2013

For more everybody else, this is a Wednesday unlike any other day of any other week in the middle of a hot, hot summer, but for me, it was 1 year ago today that my Quarter Life Crisis began, and today, I decided its over. One year is enough excitement. 

The primary goal of my Quarter Life Crisis is that I didn't want to be the fat girl any more. This is what I looked like in early 2012:

Then I spent the last year dedicating myself to a healthy lifestyle, diet and regular fitness regiment. I lost 100 pounds to date. I don't post these photos out of vanity, but rather out of pride. There is no better feeling than knowing you're better, faster, stronger than you were the day, or month, or year before.

This is what I look like today:

But wait, there's more.

Getting into the best physical shape of my life was only one small part of my Quarter Life Crisis. I was in a terrible living situation, a dead end job, miserable with single life while still pining over my ex, driving a car with no air conditioning, and generally unhappy with all things not going my way in life.

So, I changed it. I moved into my very own condo last month and am enjoying owning my own furniture and decorating things my way. I changed careers to pursue my love of non profits. I became pretty okay with being single for the long run, but I still have my moments. I sent a thank you note to my ex to thank him for being part of the inspiration to change my life. I bought my personal trainer flowers to let her know how much I appreciate her. I bought a new car that is super hot and super fast and it has air conditioning. 

Most importantly, I am genuinely happy with my life, although it still has plenty of challenges and road bumps. 

So that's it. I spent a year in crisis and now, I'm done with it. Time to roll with the punches and enjoy life.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

I lived the most pathetic day of life last week.

I can't even on my life last week.

If it was going to go wrong, it absolutely did, including when my fairly new car ATE MY CAR KEYS while the car was running, like would not turn off, would not release the keys, ON THE FOURTH OF JULY in 114 DEGREE HEAT. Yeah, that day was awesome.

But if that doesn't take the cake for the worse frickin' situation, what happened the Tuesday before the 4th of July certainly was. It was literally the most pathetic day of my entire life.

I play sand volleyball on Monday nights in Old Town Scottsdale which is like, 30 minutes from where I live, so I usually stop at the grocery store and gas station on my way home since I go right past Walmart (They have cheap organic veggies, take your judgment elsewhere). I was particularly sweaty and sandy so I hurried around Walmart getting what I needed, fitting right in with the rest of the people of Walmart-- yeah, that's how fab I looked-- and got the hell out of there. Although my little gas light indicator was about to flicker on, I decided against stopping for gas and opted to drive home on empty. I can always get gas in the morning before work.

So, I drive 20 miles home on empty. Flash forward to Tuesday morning, I pull into the gas station and reach in my purse for my wallet. IT IS GONE. GONE. I immediately start sweating profusely and freaking out. Drive home, tear apart my apartment, my car, all things. NO WALLET.

At this point, I'm super late for work. So, I get on the phone with Walmart (the last place I can really remember my wallet since I paid for shit) and start driving to work. I am still swearing profusely because I'm having a nervous breakdown that my wallet is gone and I have the AC off in my car to save gas and its 102 degrees at 7:30am in Phoenix. Finally Walmart sorts out their life and THEY HAVE MY WALLET. Thank god. PRAISE JESUS. Seriously. I was so thankful.

Only at the Scottsdale Walmart would a wallet get turned in untouched.

So, that's great. I have located my wallet containing all worldly possessions and all access to money, but I'm driving on fumes to work which is conveniently on the other side of town from the Walmart and, as I said, I am already 30+ miles into driving on empty.

So, I have no gas, no wallet, and therefore no money for gas, and I'm now at work. My choices are to ask someone to drive me 30 minutes away to Walmart OR ask to borrow $20 from someone for gas. The only people surrounding me are co-workers. GREAT.

So, in the end, I asked my intern to road trip with me for my wallet. I bought her ice cream to thank her. But really, it was the most pathetic situation ever.

I didn't have enough gas in my car and no money to drive myself to Walmart, so I had to have my intern drive me there. Certainly a humbling and very low point in my existence on earth.

Just kill me now.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Men of Plenty of Fish: You're doin' it wrong.

I am by no means a professional online dater.

Um, oh wait, yeah, I probably am by most standards. I've even written and published research papers about online dating during my collegiate years. I've been on just about every site and figured out just about all of their formulas for matching, and yet, no site has the ability to weed out the creepers, the grammatically challenged and the just plain bizarre.

In the past week, I've gotten some real winners. They're probably really nice guys in real life, but man are they creeps online, so I am happy to bring to you my top 6 "You're doin' it wrong" of online dating for the week. 

Multiple messages after a courtesy reply:

Guys, here's an online dating pro-tip...DO NOT SEND GIRLS MULTIPLE MESSAGES after no response or a "courtesy response". For those of you who are not into the online dating scene, a courtesy response is a short message that acknowledges a compliment but does not encourage any further conversation. You can see above, I said thank you for a compliment, without asking how he is or making any commentary on his profile AKA NOT INTERESTED. Yet, I got not one, but two replies, weeks apart, as if I might change my mind. Worse yet, the last message is nearly identical to the first, which means he probably didn't even remember he messaged me in the first place and sends the same damn message to every girl. Also, who says "Do you find me attractive?" Akwardddddddd.


It doesn't matter what this dude says, I'm not replying. This is unacceptable. Please stop shouting at me.

Getting caught sending the same exact message to all women on POF:

 There are a lot of things wrong here, like his used name which is ENDOWEDinPhx. Was it necessary to capitalize ENDOWED. I feel like putting ENDOWED in your username is already a crime against online dating, but the capital letters take the cake. His main photo is a selfie of him "sleeping"....ummmm. I don't need to explain why this odd, right? Getting back to point, he's trolling the shit out of POF. I've actually gotten this damn message from him several times prior to these two and never reply..rinse and repeat. Copy and paste is not your friend, gentlemen of POF. 

POF is NOT Craigslist:

Once again, repeat message dude without any replies on my side. I suppose I should be flattered? I might've been if he didn't ask if I WANTED TO MAKE A QUICK GRAND. To get a girl to respond to your dating website messages, I suggest not implying her that she is a.) a prostitute of some sort; b.) incapable of identifying an ideal mate on her own c.) only worth $1000--PUH LEASE. What is this world? Is this real life?

I REPEAT: POF is NOT Craiglist

Does this work on anyone? Asking a random chick to come over. Not a hello, not a how are you? Not even a compliment? Just this. Guys, women like flattery or free drinks, at least put a tiny frickin' bit of effort into this dating thing. That's all I'm asking, a tiny bit of effort before trying to sleep with me. This dude's profile is totally normal and his pics are pretty damn good-- WHY do men think its okay to use the guise of the internet to let their inner creeper out.

The guy you use to date, but he blew you off, and now he's back:

The story here is: I went on a great first date with this guy back in March. He wanted to take me out the day after we met and then blew me off. Then proceeded to blow me off two more times with bullshit excuses or just complete non response. I finally just stopped talking to him because he couldn't commit to a single thing and that's usually an indication someone is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. And here we are, in July, and he's back. WHY? He didn't even really have a good reason, then I had the above convo with him which pretty much sealed the deal on how very few fucks I give about him.


I need to stop dating online. Or anywhere. Ever. Maybe move to a different city? Start clean on the dating scene. Or get me some cats. Admit defeat.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Manic Monday: Anyone for mini golf?

SGIEWW is officially back from summer vacay.

While I wish I could say I was vacationing and living lavishly, sipping champagne and eating caviar in a huge hat in the Hamptons, I was actually boiling in the lava pit that is currently Phoenix. 

I must say I am shocked and amazed at the amount of emails, comments and snapchats I received, demanding new blog posts and expressing immense concern for my well being in the greater dating community. A lot has happened recently, both good, bad, ugly and heart breaking, BUT DO NOT WORRY, I am still single and ready to mingle and the blog WILL go on. More on all that trauma later, let's kick off this Monday with my latest dating debauchery.

Recently, I haven't been taking dating very seriously. I let my Match.com emails build up for weeks. I forget to change my photos on OkCupid. I give out fake phone numbers at the bar (which is better than my dear bestie who drunkenly gave HER MOTHER'S number to a total creeper the other night-- but mad props for quick thinking). Right on par with not dating seriously, I decided that I would spend the last month going on ONLY mini golf dates with men. Drinks? No. Drinks and mini golf? Yes. See how this works?

I don't know where the idea came from. I don't even like mini golf that much, but I was so bored of the same bullshit dates with the same bullshit guys, I had to take matters into my own hands around the time of my last blog post. My whole world was changing, perhaps something constant in my life would help me out.

And so it began. 23 mini golf dates. 

I could review each one, but it wasn't really about the dudes so much as a social experiment on what happens when you play the same mini golf course repeatedly for a month. The first few times, it was nothing exciting, except that I was so terrible I lost my ball on Scottsdale Road because I hit it so hard. Apparently gentle finesse is the name of the game. Very impressive for the men I was with, surely. 

By date number 10, the cashier was recognizing me and starting to put together what I was doing. It took until date 15 (which dates 10-15 occurred over 3 days aka multi-mini golf games in one day) for the weekend cashier to realize what I was doing and start laughing hysterically upon arrival. 

Date 15 rode the bumper boats with me too. Bonus points for him. 

By date 12 or 13, I was also getting unusually good at the Crackerjack mini golf. Crackerjack is this teeny bopper entertainment place with go karts and an arcade and mini golf, so the mini golf course is full of weird obstacles and uneven surfaces. If you've never played it before, its pretty hard, even if you play actual golf. 

I think date 14, I played my best round and had about 4 hole in one's and was well under par on every hole. I was pretty impressed by myself and immediately started talking mad shit to the guy I was with while simultaneously whooping his ass at mini golf on a Friday night. I am obviously not an adult and he's obviously a cry baby, sore loser because he never talked to me again afterwards. WHATEVER BRO.

The bottom line here is, I just went on 23 dates to play mini golf and 17 of them are still speaking to me on a regular basis (or sending me unsolicited dick pics in the wee hours of the night). Of the 17 of them, I am interested in seeing 3-5 of them again (which some of them got the DOUBLE dose of mini golf in a month). 

ZERO of the 23 questioned why I ONLY wanted to play mini golf and nothing else, even if it was what we had done on the first date.


And we wonder why I'm single.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Sorry, I'm Not Sorry.

Sorry, I'm Not Sorry...My life is a complete disaster.

But seriously, it is. But its not, but then it really is. I change my mind by the second. So, basically everything is happening for me. I'm intensely busy, obviously not blogging and likely drinking more vodka than I should be. SO KILL ME. Here's some shit that's going down:

I'm Moving on June 14

I gave up on the roommate trauma and decided to get my VERY OWN one bedroom apartment. Today, I applied to connect the electric in it. I felt like a real adult. I'm sure in 3 weeks when I'm sitting on the floor eating cereal straight from the box with hands because I have no silverware, pots, pans, bowls, plates or anything one might in an apartment, I will no longer feel good about this. I have bed and a TV and 1 frying pan. This is how I will live until September when Wedding Season is over.

I informed College Ex that I will be staying with him when I visit DC

I decided to stir up trouble yesterday by declaring to my College Ex that I would be staying with him during my October visit to DC. While this is absolutely 1000% unlikely because I have actual people that I like in DC to stay with, I wanted to put the idea in his head so perhaps he could casually mention it to his totally fug girlfriend. Three of us were sitting around enjoying some Froyo in the 1000 degree Arizona heat yesterday casually listing the problems with her--- like the ratio of Facebook photos she has with her cat vs. with College Ex. The answer is 100,0000,000 to 1. No joke. Seriously though, I'm getting really concerned for College Ex. I think he might be sick?

I'm Planning Bridal Showers like a BOSS

As we all know, I am a professional event planner and I am giving my friends the royal treatment on my dime to throw some ballin' Bridal Showers for their weddings. We kick things off for Kelsey on June 8th, followed by Amy's on June 29th. Its super exciting because we decided to go with the themes from their bridal shower inspirations that I used in my blog so many months ago. We're using a lot of the colors and crafts from the inspirations, making them into a reality and it will certainly all be captured here, so stay tuned!

Bridesmaids are Still Fucking ASSHOLES.

I really don't have much more to say about this other than I don't understand how you can agree to be a bridesmaid and then be such a horrendous friend and human being. I just do not get it.

Memorial Day Weekend is Coming Up

You all might recall the last three day weekend I had was President's Day where I went on an all weekend dating marathon, with a record of 8 dates in 3 days. I pledge to you, my readers, that I will exceed my last three day weekend record and make you proud. Its only AMURICAN. Also, because I might be dating someone I actually like, I will count more than one date with the same gentleman, which is normally against all dating policies I have in place, but he might be a good one. Its too soon to tell....and he might be reading this now, so HI, WELCOME TO THE CRAZY HOUSE!

I'm back, Bitches!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

WTF Wednesday: Roommate Search 2013

Roommate Search 2013 has commenced.

My lease is up at the end of June and my roommate and I will be parting ways. This is a serious pain in the ass mainly because I have to a.) buy everything that isn't bedroom or bathroom furniture, b.) find a new roommate or double my rent, c.) move 200+ pairs of high heels.

So, of course, my first course of action was to completely overreact to the pending move. 

And then I called my mom and begged her to allow me to move home and hide from reality.

Because I have basically lived an entirely too cushy life, I have next to no coping skills with any small road bump in my life. I blame you, Mom and Dad. Thanks for spoiling me so rotten than I have failed to launch into an emotionally stable adult. Just kidding. Love you both (they read this). 

For the past 3 days, I've gone violent mood swings, emotional outbursts, apathy and finally arrived at actually doing something to relieve the immense anxiety I feel around the situation. So, I did what any sane human would do and posted an ad on Craigslist in search of a roommate. 

This was the first message I received in response:

Needless to say, I did get many other normal responses. I even went on a potential roommate "date" with a very nice 26 year old bartender who's original from Springfield, Illinois and move out here in 2010 last night. He's a potential for sure, although I am hoping a friend from work will come through as roommate material first. 

Meeting a potential roommate is awkward as hell. Especially when they're of the opposite sex. While I am a predator, I am most certain I can keep my drunk and cuddly hands off a male roommate. C'mon guys, gimme some credit. But seriously, you go and meet this person. You want them to like you so much they want to live with you and you want to feel the same, but then, you have to realize there is ZERO RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL EVER, because this isn't season 135 of the Real World and you just don't hook up with your roommate. 

So, its like all the nervous, giddy feelings of a first date BUT its the ANTI- date, because there's no romantic outcome. Do you shake hands? Do you hug? How does one do this? I just recently mastered the art of the first date in the adult world and now I have to also take on these potential roommate meeting anti-dates? 

THERE IS NO GOD. My life is a disaster-- if its not my romantic life, its something else. Things would be so boring otherwise. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Monday, April 8, 2013

The Return of Manic Monday: Sometimes I get bored and start drama with my College Ex

The Return of Manic Monday: 

Sometimes I get bored and drama with my College Ex

Oh my goshhhh...its been forever. Neglecting my blog. Apologies. Seriously, I have been so busy and I was seeing someone, so I wasn't trying to screw that up. But now its over and he'll become a Blog Celebrity sometime this week. All bets are off once you're an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, its been a while since I stirred up any trouble with my College Ex, but sometimes I get terribly bored in my life and I feel the need to catch up on his life via Facebook, which almost also results in a Facebook chat resulting in an overly sarcastic conversation and me getting all huffy and puffy. Why do I do this? Because I am psycho ex girlfriend and I just can't help myself.

So, last week, I was bored of reading vampire books and having #workchat mixed with a healthy dose of #weddingchat. I noticed College Ex had something posted on his wall by some chick who may or may not be his girlfriend (they're intensely on and off again, therefore she is absolutely "some chick). The post was regarding Star Trek, which is something that College Ex introduced me to when we were living together in college. Star Trek Voyager is a masterpiece, that is for sure.

I couldn't help but comment with something along the lines of "Oh, I'm glad to see College Ex got another one of us into Star Trek. Its the best!" TOTALLY INNOCENT.

Minutes later, she comments, "Hey College Ex, Random people now commenting on my wall posts to you, I should start my own fan club, haha!!!!"



So, I got irrationally upset about this which led to me stepping outside and then bitching at College Ex for approximately 15-20 minutes about not defending me to this gutterslut thing trash talking me. This is NOT the first time she's attacked me about something on Facebook (I believe the first time was regarding feminism, which is clearly not a topic you want to debate with me). 
Of course, College Ex quietly took it while I berated him because really, once I'm riled up, there isn't much stopping me. He learned that plenty of times in our relationship. Needless to say, I'm still a crazy ex girlfriend and he's still the push over he's always been. Some things never change. 

Anyways, to conclude, I'd also like to offer a short list of the reasons this on and off again girlfriend is ACTUALLY the random and I am ACTUALLY sticking around forever, so she best get use to me stat.

1.) I know all of College Ex's deepest, darkest secrets. Highly doubt she does.
2.) I spent a long time living with College Ex. He couldn't tolerate living with her for 2 weeks.
3.) College Ex's family lives in the Everglades and flies a confederate flag. They don't go for ethnic. 
4.) No one ever forgets their first love. Ever. Ever. Never. SORRY I'M NOT SORRY.
5.) Ummmm...would you want your boyfriend to be friends with his ex who's as cute as me? Nope.

Am I an asshole? Yes. Is she? Certainly.

Was this necessary? Yes and no. It certainly satisfied my cravings. Nom Nom DRAMA NOM.

Goodnight my bitches!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

WTF Wednesday: Don't agree to being a Bridesmaid if you don't understand what it entails

I'm about to be Bridesmaidzilla and POP OFF all over the web.

Shut up. I know I've been MIA but I'm busy and tired and unexciting at this point in my life. I do have some exciting dates and events and stuff coming up, including introducing you to my new car, which is now doubling as transportation AND boyfriend for the time being. But its is pretty...but more on that later.

Right now, I'm about to POP OFF (circa season 1, Bad Girls Club) on a bunch of bitties who think they rule the bridesmaid world. This week has been particularly interesting because almost every wedding I am in this year required some sort of financial commitment from me. Dresses, hotels, flights---the list goes on. Its stressful on me but I don't complain, I just deal. Some others are not quite as tactful. Truth be told, I am the ultimate bridesmaid (duh) and everyone needs to stop acting like bitties and grown up.

Here it is, straight up, the TOP 10 rules of being the best bridesmaid: 

1.) Don't order your bridesmaid dress too small. Just buy what fits now. You aren't going to loose 25 pounds in 12 weeks. 

2.) Being a bridesmaid involves a fairly large financial commitment. If you cannot do it financially, do not agree to it. It messes everything else up and makes the bride feel guilty. Kelsey's and Amy's wedding is going to cost me a total of approximately $6,000. I'm willing to do this because I've been given the honor to be Maid of Honor and your best friends only getting married once. I'm doing it happily because that's what I signed up for. I knew it would be pricey with me living in Phoenix, across the country from the Midwest, and now I will eat Ramen until September. This is an expensive venture for everyone, so prepare yourself ahead of time and if you cannot do it, don't stress everyone else out because of it.

3.) Don't expect the Bride to pick up the tab because you're a broke ass. This is really just an expanded rant from above. I don't care if you're a student, unemployed, rich, ugly, whatever---don't expect the Bride to pay for your dress, hotel, hair, whatever. She has a wedding to pay for and you agreed to the financial commitment (see above). Then when it does happen, be thankful. Actually THANK the bride.

4.) Explain to your wedding date the importance of them being at all of the wedding events they are invited to, like the rehearsal dinner. It costs money PER PERSON, so if someone says they'll come (or if you commit to a wedding date even though you have a 0% chance of ever having a boyfriend), you better have that person there. Your bride is gonna be realllll upset if she paid for your date who didn't show.

5.) If there's a group expense, make sure you're ready to pay back whoever might be fronting the money, or let them know when you'll be able to pay, THEN ACTUALLY PAY THEM BACK WITHOUT THEM ASKING. Remember, if someone is fronting the money for a limo or hotel or booze, they're doing you a favor since you don't have to pay up front from your paycheck and don't have do a damn thing but show up. So, do them a favor and pay them back.

6.) Don't cause internal bridesmaid drama. Nobody wants to be the problem child.

7.) Don't jeopardize your friendship with the bride by being the problem child. She's under stress. Nod and agree, even if you don't like it. She will get mad and boot your ass.

8.) Do not bitch about the dress. If the bride asks, you may gently explain your opinion. Do not use words like--- hate, ugly, bad fit, horrid, vomit. Even if you hate the dress, NEWS FLASH: it ain't your wedding. Don't bug the bride to go try dresses on with you and pad your self esteem--GO do it, find your size and order your dress in a timely fashion. You may not know this, but every bride has a timeline of when things should happen...she can't check the boxes and move on until you cooperate. Stressed bride = miserable life, so suck it up and STOP COMPLAINING. 

9.) The Maid of Honor is the bride's right hand woman. If you're a bridesmaid and the MOH sends out a bulk message with direction on ordering shoes or plans for the bachelorette party, do not go behind her back and ask the bride if this is what she REALLY wants. There is a 98% chance that the MOH has already discussed this in depth with the MOH. The MOH's duty is to help the bride with the nitty gritty details and pick up the slack, like making sure everyone has shoes for the wedding. Don't create double the work by rehashing everything. Obey the Maid of Honor....bottom line

10.) If I'm the Maid of Honor and you're a bridesmaid....if I have to get on an airplane and fly somewhere to POP OFF on you in person and knock you back in the bridesmaid line...I will be very, very angry with you. You will feel Bridesmaidzilla wrath for a long, long time.


Happy Hump Day!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

WTF Wednesday: The End of Days is Here. The Dating Apocalypse Has Occured.

The End of Days is Here. 

The Dating Apocalypse Has Occurred.

Its true. God has given me a sign that I should entirely give up on dating. Forever. I might as well get my 100's of cats now and become a spinster. This is my life. Its real. You can't MAKE this stuff up.

So, I went on a Match.com date with this guy.Masters degree, job in Finance, good photos, nice bio, common interests... Looks great on paper...famous last words. So, we make plans to go to dinner after exchanging a few messages. I'm literally in the parking lot, walking in when he texts me and is like BTW, I use crutches to walk because I was born with Cerebral Palsy.

Okay, here's where everyone is going to think I'm a huge asshole (again, this isn't new) but seriously, don't you think you should disclose a life altering disability before you go on a date with someone. I show up, and he's straight crippled. Like not a limp, but like back breaking, non-use of legs. Also, a fairly severe speech impediment.

Now, before you get all crazy on me and call me a bitch, I ALREADY FEEL TERRIBLE. He was a super nice guy. He's very accomplished and such, but I feel like I got maddddd catfished. A disability is a huge responsibility to take on, a life altering one for both parties involved. I think its a bit rude not to mention that before a first date and let it be a huge surprise. Then, its the elephant in the room for the entire length of the dinner.

I don't know the rules on that kind of thing. Like I know you're not suppose to discuss ex's on a first date but can you discuss how the hell you manage to drive a car with 95% limited use of your legs? Is that an awkward question? Because I really do want to know.

I KNOW that what counts is what's inside, personality, whatever, but I am selfish and I just can't do it. I just can't take that on in my life. I can barely manage to walk, talk, go to work, do my laundry and remember to eat in any given week...I can't be sensitive to someone else's issues right now. I got my own shit to figure out.

So, that's that. I got catfished by a guy with Celebral Palsy on Match.com. All of his photos are convienently cropped at the waist. Now I see why.

Call me what you life. I just can't. I just can't believe its come down to this. This is a sign.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Manic Monday: She's Backkkkkkkkkkk

I'm backkkkk!

My life is basically a disaster. This isn't your fault...it might be my fault...but I think its just the stars starting to align for me and creating mass chaos in the mean time. I could give you the long version of where I've been, or I can give you a list! Yes, a list! One of my favorite things on earth. Here's the top 5 things that happened to me since President's Day weekend when I disappeared and thought I may never surface from these events.

1.) I work a day job and it ruins my life.

Seriously, working is misery. I like my job and the people I work with, but by 3pm, I'm just god damn over it. I need a nap. I need sugar. I need to do my laundry. When do people who work 9-5 find time to do their laundry? I cannot get use to it to save my life. I shouldn't bitch about having landed my dream job, but OMG, work is so inconvenient to my overall lifestyle. Maybe one day I can go back to staying awake past the hour of 9:00pm again. 

2.) I went on SEVEN dates over the long President's Day weekend.

After my first week of work, I was rewarded with a lovely 3 day weekend due to President's day. I never knew this was a non-working holiday since my former employer was a crazy ass slave driver. Because I was decidedly done with all men I had been dating, I decided to go on a dating rampage over the 3 day weekend. I managed to line up 7 dates over the 3 days, including with two dudes I met at Sandbar on the Saturday night (the original goal was 5 date but that bumped me to a record 7). I would say something about all of them but they were nothing notable except for some dude named Billy who wears a diamond beveled Rolex and picked me up in his Porsche 911. He's in Switzerland skiing for two weeks, so more on that to come. Overall, no disasters, lots of food and drinks and approximately zero potential.

3.) I went on vacation and two men got into a physical altercation over me.

After President's Day weekend, I promptly left on a trip to Miami, followed by a 3 day cruise with my parents (I'll take it!). I got to spent time in Miami with my sorority Little, Marisol, which was amazing. I also got to spend time with my mother, which is obviously also amazing most of the time when she's not being a parent and stuff. Since my parents are old and go to bed early, I was left to my own conventions after the hour of 9pm each night on the cruise. I took this opportunity to make as many friends as possibly while drinking the greatest possible number of pina coladas. I promptly inserted myself into a Bachelor Party that was aboard. Long story short, two of them were into me, I was flirting with both of them because I am a menacing Siren of the Sea, they got mad at each other, one grabbed the other's neck aggressively, the other kicked the neck grabber in the balls....and I promptly left the bar with an Estonian guy who spoke 3 words of English....and proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend making out with him. Hot + No English = Perfection....although he did kiss me right on the lips in front of my parents at breakfast on the last morning. I was so embarrassed and then they teased me the rest of the day. Bottom line: great trip.

4.) Wedding Tour 2013 is quickly becoming a reality.

Upon returning from my vacation, I realized that I need to start ordering bridesmaid dresses, booking flights and planning bridal showers for the many weddings I am involved in. Calculating just flights alone, I will be spending more than $2100. Thrilling. I guess I'll need to start cutting back on martini now to save up for these extravaganzas. I'm not complaining, just thinking ahead. I'm actually a really good friend and a GREAT bridesmaid. I've got some baller plans for showers and bachelorette parties. I just keep telling myself, your friends only get married once, do it up, do it big for them...money comes and goes, but these girls don't.

5.) I try to hate Brandon #1, but I just can't quit him

The main reason I've been MIA is because I've been trying to sort out my romantic life. After the 7 date weekend, I basically never wanted to go on a date again. I'm just tired of it. Tired. Tired Tired. And I don't have time for it. And most of all, I just can't stop thinking about Brandon #1. Prior to 7 Date Weekend, I got pissed off at him because we play games and go back and forth, never can get on the same page. When I'm interested, he ignores me. When I write him off, he blows up my phone trying to adore me.

Its dumb. Its childish. I don't know why we do it or why I continue to participate in it. But I do. I just can't shake the feeling that he really is the guy, OF ALL THE GUYS, who I should be with right now. After I called out his ridic behavior and went on 7 dates, he spent the next two weeks blowingggg me up. I finally forgave him and went out to a movie with him Saturday. It felt good and right and I think he felt it too. But we'll see, the last time these emotions aligned, we blew up and didn't talk for months. Failure.

I wish I could quit you. Brandon #1.

So, that's it...in a manic nutshell. Everything's a mess. I'm a mess. My laundry needs to be done. Life is moving forward in the most inconvenient way it could be, but at least its going somewhere these days.Back to regularly scheduled programming. KTHNXBYEEEEEEE.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

WTF Wednesday: When you're single for a year

One Year. Still Single.

Tuesday marked the day of my break up with the Ex. I can't say I didn't think about it. I can't say it didn't piss me off or make me a little sad inside. There were no tears, just a bitch session while dying on a treadmill with Lacie in the gym. Productive use of anger and sadness? I concur.

Thursday is Valentine's Day. It use to be one of my favorite holidays, since I had never actually been single for a Valentine's Day since I was 14 years old, until last year. This year, I actually could not have less fucks to give about it, in general.

I've certainly had a year of  change and growth. Its funny how the end of a relationship can change you so greatly and for such a long time. In my case, perhaps for the rest of my life. So, between the year anniversary of my singledom and stupid holidays about love, I've decided to give you the top 5 list of things I love this year, but didn't love last year.

1.) Blue Martini

I had never even been to BM at this time last year. Now, its hard to imagine my life without it. Blue Martini has been a home away from home. Too many memories have been created there. Happy hours turned happy last call's. Blue Martini, will you be my Valentine? I really feel like its true love.

2.) Tiffany, Jessie and Lacie

My Phoenix crew was awful tiny (as in, the Ex and only the Ex) at this time last year. Now, I have some amazing girlfriends-- one's who have made living in Phoenix worthwhile and certainly heaps more fun than it would've been alone. Clearly, you've read plenty about our antics right here. Its always easier when you have a shoulder to cry on, someone to tell you you're a lazy cow when you slack on the treadmill and someone always willing to get a cocktail when you're new and single in the city.

3.) The Gym

This is obviously a love/hate relationship. Its really like an abusive relationship more than anything. I hate it, then I go back for more. Gotta love what it does for the body. Not suggested to anyone who doesn't enjoy pain, exhaustion or the general lack of alcohol involved.

4.) My friend all getting married

This use to make me so sad and jealous. Nearly to the point of tears. But I've embraced it, taken the bull by the horns and gotten more and more (too much?) in all of the details of dresses and decorations and family drama. I like it. I like it a lot.

5.)  Myself

Last year at this time, I seriously was an unhappy person and didn't know it. When I moved to Phoenix, I did it because it was better than what was in Chicago, which was a miserable job, living at home, overall depression and weight gain. Phoenix was literally a breath of fresh air. Changed my lifestyle, changed my outlook and found the MOST important love---falling back in love with who I am. Is this mushy? Its mushy. I'm done now.

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day, my Bitches!

Monday, February 11, 2013

Manic Mondays: Rogue Ass Groomsmen


Sorry, blog reading friends, I am miserable and stupid at blogging once again. So much is happening in my life that I cannot keep up better yet blog about it. I started a new job today in the industry and position that I've always wanted to; however, returning to work after a year of working from home and then 2 months of being unemployed and sleeping til noon makes working an 8-5 job with a commute a really big lifestyle change aka pure exhaustion because I have to join the normal grind. Boohoo. Y'all feel bad for me, I know.

Anyways, today was my first day. I think everyone hates me. I ate lunch alone. This is like the first day of school all over again. I went through six outfits this morning trying to look cute and professional, but not too showy and not like I'm trying to show off. The CEO is this hardcore bitch, who I am so enamored with. She is the Regina George to my Cady. I would do anything for her to love me. This is my life now.

I also started with a personal trainer a couple weeks ago and he is working me damn ragged 4 days a week in addition to my own sweet cardio routine. My body is thanking me for this by gaining 2 pounds. REALLY? REALLY?

All the men you heard about. Yeah. I got rid of them all. I just can't right now. Its too much and I'm already cracking its been one damn day.

Next week, I'm going on a cruise to the Bahamas. MWHAHAHAHAHA. SUCKERS.

Let's get to the real point of Manic Monday....Rogue assssssss groomsmen. Amy has been dealing with the groomsmen dilemma for months now. The original groomen party was Tyler (Jrod's brother), Compton Ass Arms (Jrod's HS buddy) and George (a psycho who once tried to steal my bra and hump a lamp, also Jrod's Marino's coworker).

The first to go was George. He was a crazy fuck to begin with. Like seriously, out of control drunken behavior but he did have some great dance moves...something between Mick Jagger and the Bernie. It really was amusing in a terrible way. On Coldpantsmas 2011, he took his own pants off and threw them into the snow. Not allowed. Anyways, he was a poor choice to begin with and when Jrod got promoted, he lost touch with George (also I believe George insulted Amy while drunk and then never talked to Jrod or Amy again...but not sure on that story).

So, George got replaced with Adam, who is the husband of one of the other bridesmaids, Aimee. A wise choice if you ask me, because Aimee is on top of her shit and won't let Adam slack off like groomsmen do.

Next to go was Compton Ass Arms (or John for those who prefer proper names). He's a crotch rocket riding, protein drinking, iron pumping Hulk wannabe to begin with. The first time I met him, Amy and I got incoherently drunk and sat in the "Compton Ass Clubhouse" (a little swing set in Jrod's parents' backyard) because we HATED him so very much. SO MUCH.

He and Jared have lost touch since last year when he got asked to be a groomsmen. Amy messaged him to inform him when the tux rental and rehearsal dinner would be held. He said he couldn't commit to coming to anything before the wedding. Are you joking??? Nothing??? Failure. So, finally, he backed down from his groomsmen position do to the fact he doesn't call or text Jared ever OR want to be a part of anything involving their wedding. 

So, John was replaced with Bogdan. Funny story, Bogdan is Amy and I's friend...not really Jared's BUT Bogdan is a dependable lad and Jared obviously chooses the shittiest groomsmen ever.

Does it end there? NO.

Jared' best man, Tyler, has a mountain man beard. It is socially unacceptable, but especially unacceptable for Amy's upcoming very expensive and very classy wedding photos. I don't think its out of the question to ask that he be clean shaven for the wedding, but every time its brought up, he becomes more and more adamant that the beard must stay. This even once culminated in tears over dinner...and no, they weren't Amy's tears. Le sigh.

In the mean time, I am trying to coordinator a bachelor and bachelorette joint party for August, where the two groups party on the beach all day and go separate ways for the evening. Generally the bachelor party is planned by the Best Man, so I contacted Tyler about it. And Amy contacted Tyler. 

And he ignored both of us. Looks like I will also be the Best Man in this wedding because the groom's OWN BROTHER can't even live up to being a best man. Considering was a gem Jared is, all those douchebags are seriously fucked up. I love Jared to frickin' death and he is really the best man for my best friend. I don't understand why even his own brother doesn't appreciate him.

Bottom line...Rogue ass groomsmen make wedding planning a pain in the ass for EVERYONE. Bridesmaid don't act this way (hopefully), why do groomsmen? Why it is necessary to cause extra stress? If you are fiscally unable or really busy with stuff, don't agree to be in a wedding...its pretty damn simple.

GAH. It felt good to get that off my back.

I love you, Jrod, and I'm prepared to be your best man as well.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Manic Mondays: A Crazy Manic Week in Review.

And back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Last week was a big fail on blogging, but there were way more exciting things going on in my week. Let's take a break from crazy ex boyfriends and go ahead and talk about my crazy, unexpected week.

Starting with last Monday, things gradually became so very far out of control in my social life. Monday morning was intensely normal. I decided to meet up with a guy from Match for shits and giggles. He's a nurse and personal training, so he had a break in morning which he asked me out for some coffee. He was a good looking guy named Shawn, really buff and pretty intense (like as in he sleeps like 3 hours a night because he believes it increases his productivity in life???). Coffee went fine, totally normal. After that, things got funny. He texted me constantly over the next 48 hours with increasingly crazy and semi-sexual questions (which I am an expert at avoiding completely). Then, randomly, throughout the week, less texts and more just him sending me photos, which is just plain odd. Last night, he sent me a photo and it came up as a group text to like 10 numbers. I just replied to all with, "I'm glad you just sent that to 10 phone numbers". Haven't heard from him since. NEXT.

Thursday, I randomly scored Greenskeeper passes to the Waste Management Open, which is a crazy 4 day drunkfest golf tournement in Scottsdale. Basically tickets are about $800 and anybody who's anybody in Scottsdale attends. Its not the polite golf you see on TV for sure. Greenskeeper passes are for a VIP lounge with catered food and open bar, so of course, Tiffany and I headed right on over there. Gorgeous day, 75 and sunny...perfect for day drinking. We got ABSOLUTELY hammered. In our sunbathing session, we met some old dude who we will call Jevin and his friends (because we kept calling him that instead of Kevin?) who we hauled over to Blue Martini after the festivities for happy hour. Hot, hot mess. From there, we went to Sandbar to sober up. Needless to say, it was 2am before we got home. Ridiculous.

At the Open itself, I met a dude named Manny, who is a 32 year old former professional baseball player turned YMCA director. Pretty cute, very nice and asked me to go to the Blackhawks-Coyotes this Thursday. SCORE. He was in Tahoe all weekend for a Bachelor Party but has been drunk calling me and texting all damn weekend, so I'll assume he's certainly in love with me. We'll see how that goes.

On Friday, I went out with my friend, Justin, who has been just a friend up until this particular evening. We went to Sushi Brokers and did a whole lotta Sake Bombs. He's this 24 year old cutie from Texas who use to be in the Air Force. All Southern Gentlemanly. I like it a lot. 

Saturday, I randomly also scored tickets to the Open. So Lacie, Malorie and her boyfriend, James, all headed out with our boxed wine roadies for another all day drinking extravaganza. After that, Justin invited me out to this shitty bar called Shenanians with all of his friends. We spent the evening drinking and playing pool. Spark flew. You know the story.

Late Saturday night, the guy who I mentioned last week as being COMPLETELY bad for me got back into town from LA (who will now be referred to as Colin), so I stopped to hang out with him on my way home since he lives up the road. It was very nice to hang out with him. He really is adorable and very sweet...just so frickin' bad for me. What to do, what to do. I was watching SATC today and Carrie had the perfect quote to describe it: "We were like a red wall, good in theory but in reality, really bad."

Sunday was fairly chill. Did the Super Bowl thing with Tiffany and Justin and some people. Cooked really high calorie food. Ate everything. No drinking, as I was done after my 4 day binge. Today, Colin took me to see Warm Bodies aka Zombies meet Twilight aka my current favorite book aka I loved the movie way too much. I felt kind of like I was 16 again seeing the movie with him in an empty theater. Very cute, very cute.

Sooooo, that's it. I'm a Manic Dater this week. Things are happening. When it rains, it pours. What happens next, I have no frickin' idea. I'm just planning to stay on track with dieting and the gym. Pump it up this month with my new personal trainer and get bikini body ready for my Bahamas cruise in 18 days! WUT UP VACAY!!!!

Tomorrow, we'll discuss my wedding dilemmas and how broke I will be come September. Hint: 8 flights, 4 states, 2 dresses and NO DATES. Ballin'.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Manic Monday Follow Up: Brandon #1


As we know, last week I told the story about how my ex boyfriend, Greg, resurfaced with dick pics and then crawled back into the hole he lives in. This week, fan favorite Brandon #1 has finally resurfaced from the hole the I buried him in when I called out his super douchbaggery all over my blog and then everyone hated him, even though I secretly still thought about him for a long time because well, he was the first guy I really, really liked after the Ex.

For our new comers at SGIEWW, here is the three part dramatic saga of Brandon #1:

Its certainly worth a read. I just re-read them and actually rolled around on the floor laughing at the ridiculousness of all of it. Anyways, a few weeks ago, Brandon #1 popped up again asking me to hang out. We finally got together on Friday night for sushi and drinks at RA in Old Town Scottsdale. I ran a 5k on Saturday, so I wasn't planning anything for Friday night anyways. I love going on dates when I have nothing better to do. Its basically me, living my single girl, martini drinking life WHILE also getting mucho male attention and free dinner on my off days from being a socialite at Blue Martini.

We had a lovely, uneventful dinner. Chatted, caught up, the usual shit. The chemistry is certainly still there. He still is a big sexy teddy bear, I won't lie about that. He walked me to my car in the rain, like a real gentleman. I hugged him and sent him on his merry way. I was also very adamant that I no longer want a boyfriend of any kind. This statement makes men INSANE. That's why I say it. Hehe.

So, we've texted a bit over the weekend. Made tentative plans to see each other again AS FRIENDS (hehe) this coming Saturday night. I just don't really understand (or care?) why he has popped up again. I suspect its because it is currently raining men in my life and I already have my eye set on the one who is the WORST FIT for me. Like really, why do I do this to myself? Glutton for punishment.

This week is going to be a very exciting date week for sure, especially because the ONE GUY I have my eyes on returns from a long trip to LA on Saturday night. More on that later. I know he's going to read this and so I will say no more until I see him this weekend and have a substantial story about why he is the WORST IDEA EVER, but I will pursue it because I like to fix things. I like projects. Its what I do.

Also have a few more date reviews to post and a Kyle, my future fiance, update for all of those who are still rooting for my long distance lover.


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

WTF Wednesday: HOLY SHIT.

Holy Shit.

Caution...this is a lot of information on my bodily functions.
So, I'm really not big on bodily functions. I do not appreciate burps, farts, poop chat or anything else. I know a lot of people are open about these things. For instance, Amy's fiance, Jared, loves to talk about his poop. He has gone as far as to photograph the deed and text it to his friends....he's that proud of it. My friend, Kyle, is also very open on the status of his bowel movements. He eats a ton of protein so this is plentiful as I learned after sharing a hotel room with him for a week in Hawaii. I, however, am not one to discuss this things, but really this story is truly WTF Wednesday approved.

As we all know, I've been working on my fitness. Up until now, I've been taking a multivitamin and such to make sure I'm getting all my nutrients and stuff up in my body. I was out of my normal vitamins and had nothing to do today, so I spent the morning reading up on what vitamins are recommended for weight loss and muscle strength for women. I made a list and promptly marched on over to Hi Health to pick up some new vita-goodies. 

I got all the stuff on my list, including a probiotic (which encourages digestive health) which was infused with castor oil. What is castor oil? Where have I heard this before? Oh yes, last week, Tiffany was telling me how castor oil is something that naturopathetic doctors use on pregnant women to induce labor naturally because it expels everything from your body, including babies. Perhaps this should have been when I put it back on the shelf.

But I didn't. So,  I came home around noon and took a handful of my new fancy vitamins including those castor oil probiotics. They're vitamins, what could they really do, right? Right. Uh huh.

So, I do Zumba from 6-7pm on Wednesday nights, but I had a fairly important phone interview scheduled right for 5:30pm. I decided to get to Zumba early, park, take my call and then go shake my ass off. On my way to Zumba, I started feeling a bit funny. Lots of tummy rumbling and churning. Hmmm, I thought. Maybe those vitamins were a bit much on my stomach. 

By the time my phone interview came, my stomach is literally biting me from the inside out. I felt those devil pills pounds on my intestinal system. I'm trying to focus on my phone interview and this lady's crazy detailed questions, and I'm literally sweating because my stomach is churning and cramping.

Seemingly it had subsided by Zumba time, so Zumba I did. Probiotics + Bounging around for an hour. Holy Shit. HOLY SHIT.

They say you have to celebrate the little things in life. Today, I'm celebrating that I did not shit my pants during Zumba...although I really thought I was going to.

These things only happen to me. Welcome to WTF Wednesday!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Manic Mondays: When an Ex Resurfaces

Ex Boyfriends pop up at the weirdest times.

This isn't really an ex boyfriend crazy story, but it kinda of is because ex boyfriends pop up when you are very least expecting it doing the things you very least expect. In this case, my post-Australia ex boyfriend, Greg, popped up texting me on late Saturday night. 

I wrote a while ago on Manic Monday about Greg. He's the boyfriend who liked my family better than me and when we broke up for no real reason at all, I held his dress shirts hostage in my family's lake house for all eternity. Not sure what happened to them. Not sure I care.

Anyways, we've gone through a number of cycles friending and defriending each other over the past 2.5 years that we've been broken up. We are currently Facebook friends. He does read my blog. That was confirmed on Saturday night.

We have a quiet Facebook friendship. Its not like College Ex Boyfriend and I, who exchange links about zombies and occasion witty banter. I feel like our relationship is fairly hindered because he has a girlfriend and let's be honest, if I were his girlfriend, I wouldn't want him talking to me. I am extremely attractive these days.

So yeah, Greg and I don't speak on Facebook. A few likes here and there. Perhaps a "Happy Holidays". Nothing special or different, and we certainly do not text message each other. Like I said, our break up was something that happened and we moved on. I'm not sure Greg even liked me at all. He was so un-upset when I dumped him, I swear. 

On Saturday night, I had a night. One of those nights that's suppose to be a few drinks, but they were looked way too pretty and single (three brunettes walk into a bar...), so everyone bought us shots. Long story short, we got kicked out of Sandbar by 11pm for being too intoxicated and had to move the party to Blue Martini, where I shamelessly white girl booty bounced on a lighted platform and probably showed my ChaCha to an entire bar. 

We got way drunker than socially appropriate. I don't know how it happened but it did. When I got home, I was laying in Tiffany's guest bedroom waiting for the room to stop violently spinning so I could sleep. Then my phone started blowingggg up. 

It was Greg. Sending me an endless supply of dick pics. 

Then I passed out while laughing hysterically.

Well, I guess he reads my blog. HEY GREGGY!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

WTF Wednesdays: Guys, we need to talk about dick pics really quick.

At the risk of being raunchy, we need an intervention.


I repeat.


Not now. Not late at night. Not ever.

Welcome to WTF Wednesday. I've got some real spit and vinegar over this topic. Last Friday night, I went out like any normal 20 something year old but was in bed fairly early because I like to work out early on Saturday mornings and not waste my life as I did for most of the previous years of my 20 somethings.

On Saturday morning, I woke up with THREE photos of dicks. THREE. These photos came from three guys, who are not guys I am currently dating...they certainly were not solicited by any means. I haven't talk to ANY of these gentleman in quite some time. I swear I'm like Dickerella. Clock strikes 12, every random guy I've ever met in my life sends me a photo of his junk.

I do have some repeat offenders. We have the guy that Amy and I refer to as "Naked Selfie Guy" who repeatedly sends me random and unsolicited photos of him flexing nude in his bathroom. He is a friend of mine...a good friend actually. We have no romantic relationship and yet, his drunk ass thinks this is a wise decision. I also have some sporadic repeat offenders, like this guy I know through my sorority sister, Jenna. I actually don't even know the guy personally, just by association, and I get the occasional dick pic. I also have this guy, Tim, who I dated WAY back in March. We don't talk any more AT ALL, but occasionally there it is. I never reply, he never sends an actual text. I don't get it.

So, gentleman, I just want to let you know what I do when you send me a dick pic.

1.) I laugh to myself.
2.) I copy it and immediately send it to Amy and Jared. Everyone loves a surprise dick text.
3.) I copy and send a bulk message to my "Dick Pic Sisters" group in my contacts. This group consists of a variety of my sorority sisters who also find dick pics hilarious.
4.) We make fun of your peepee for HOURS on end by group text message.

This is the truth. This is what we do. We make fun of you. I don't find it sexy. It doesn't excite me in anyway. I just make fun of you with alllllll of my friends.

Bottom line....please stop. Not just sending to me, but to all women. We don't like them. We don't want them. Your penis looks like ALL other penis on earth. There is nothing unique. None of them are good looking or attractive, so just stop.

Please and thank you.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I don't know what happened to Manic Monday. Oh wait...I drank it.

Mondays at Blue Martini are just bad news.

Sorry guys, I am a very irresponsible blogger and decided to go get hammered on a Monday night instead of posting a fabulous blog for all of you. I had a good one all ready to go and be posted, and BAM, it was 2am on Tuesday morning. I don't even know how that happened. 

So, last night was a mess. A good friend of mine wanted to go to Blue Martini for happy hour because her boyfriend was at a bachelor party in Vegas. I readily agreed because I NEVER turn down a good happy hour offer, even though I am significantly cutting back on the drinking and eating out until the end of February when I have to be bikini ready on a cruise to the Bahamas. One last hooray on this fine Monday evening, I thought to myself.

Anyways,  we went out. Favorite band is playing. Favorite bartender tending bar. Fairly crowded with single men. Perfect scene. All was going well in the night when a guy sitting across the bar from me starting smiling and catching my eye. I only noticed because I was already staring at him since he was my type: late 30's, city slicker looking, oozing Scottsdale class. Perfect. (Take your judgement elsewhere, I am unemployed and drinks are pricey). 

So, we were about to order a new round of drinks when the guy shouts to Troy (the favorite bartender) to buy us the next round. Typically, the next move is to go stand by the dude and make polite conversation until you drift away with your free drink. However, because he was super cute, we struck up a conversation about skiing (He just broke his leg skiing and was on crutches). He was CLEARLY very into me. Twice divorced, 4 young kids, typical Blue Martini patron, but buying us drinks for as long as we stood there, so stood we did.

Don't get me wrong, he was a really nice guy and actually we had great chemistry. Shame that he's obviously a piece of shit if he's gone through two wives before the age of 40. So, he and I continue talking and the band comes over to chat with us. As you all know, I previously had a major crush on the guitarist of this band. Its pretty much waned completely because I am too busy being an emotional basket case to have meaningful crushes or relationships. 

So, I'm chatting with Mr. Divorcee (named Matt, which is just a bad omen, I think) and my friend is cuddling up to the guitarist. Soon enough they're off at their own table and MAKING OUT. She clearly knew that I had always had a crush on him...and there they are making out.

I tried not to be salty. I tried not to show I was upset on my face, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm sure I looked like a sourpussed biotch. The best I could do was ignore it and keep chatting with Matt the Divorcee. Turns out, that really paid off for me because when he was paying his $86 tab (our's was $6 and we didn't even pay it....questionable), he paid with a $100 bill, which he had a bunch of in his wallet. Then, he hands me a $100 and says "This is my security deposit that I'm going to take you out for dinner and wine". Ummmmm, thanks?

SERIOUSLY THESE THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME. For fucks sake, this guy just handed me a $100 bill and told me to keep it. COULD THIS NIGHT GET WEIRDER?

So, in the car ride home, my friend was saying "Oh yeah, he told me he thought you had a crush on him but really he eyes were all on me, blah blah blah". Really, girl? You're adding insult to injury. You knew I liked him and then...this? I know I'm being sensitive but do we really need to rub it in? I mean, whatever, its not a big deal. Its not the first or last time a guy I'm attracted to was into one of my friends. Please, I grew up being friends with gorgeous and witty Amy. Every guy chose her over me. Basically use to it.

So, why I'm really salty here is....I lost all this weight and I'm still getting passed over. So, it wasn't that I was fat....then what is it? Too tall? Too loud? Not pretty? Let's just add the events of tonight to the ever growing list of my bizarre weight loss insecurities.

Bottom line: Nothing good comes of getting drunk on Monday nights. I need a job. Gah.