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Friday, December 28, 2012

The holidays are mostly over so let's countdown the top 5 awkward holiday moments.

You missed me. I know it.

So, once again, I've been caught up in the frenzy of a trip to Chicago and POOF, I disappear. Its terrible but hey, I'm basically famous and a lot of people love me so I get real busy. The truth of the matter is, my mother hogs my time with many commitments because she loves me a lot and I love her so I do them. We're two peas in a pod and I cannot deny that to her during the holidays for sure.

In true Grinch style, I kind of hate the holidays. I like giving gifts but hearing repeatedly that I am intensely difficult to buy presents for is very depressing because either a.) no one knows me at all or b.) I'm a spoiled brat who has every thing on earth. The answer is most likely B which is also very sad for me. As always, I cleaned up pretty well this year with a variety of fun as well as useful presents including costume jewelry, a round trip ticket to Costa Rica, new luggage, a 4 day trip somewhere warm in February, money, gift cards, massages, candles and oh so much more. I am spoiled, I know. Shhhh.

So now, let's count down the top 5 awkward holiday moments this holiday season, in the spirit of entertaining you with my disastrous life.

1.)  There's snow.

I don't really need to discuss this. Snow is miserable, no matter how little of it there is. My mother recently bought a brand new car that I've been driving during my visit home but I'm terrified to drive it in any sort of moist conditions, such as snow. Its really putting a damper in my plans, lettmetellya, because it snow like every 65 seconds in Chicago. Snow not only binds me to my home, but it also ruins my hair style, makes my toes cold, gets my shoes dirty and overall sucks. Its not awkward...it just sucks. Period. This is why I live in Arizona.

2.) Your family discusses your recent weight loss repeatedly.

 As we all know, I lost a fairly significant amount of weight since last July. Most of my extended family hasn't seen me since last Christmas, with the exception of a few who saw me in the beginning of my weight loss. Needless to say, they were surprised and felt the need to repeatedly ask me awkward questions about it...like "Don't you just have so much more energy?" UM NO, I SPEND TWO HOURS A DAY IN THE GYM WORKING MY ASS OFF LITERALLY. I AM NOT MORE ENERGIZED. I FEEL LIKE THE DEATH. I understand they're trying to be supportive but perhaps have the first six times I mention how uncomfortable they're making me, they'd stop. But no...because I am from a family of pushers who push and push until you freak out.

3.) Someone in your family gives you a way nicer gift than you give them.

Its a damn good thing I had 80% of my Christmas shopping done prior to getting laid off, because all of those people got ballin' presents. The other 20%, sorry...I'm poor now.  I generally just buy a little something for my mom's boyfriends kids and they generally buy me nothing. Like, never, in the 15 years of my mom and her boyfriend being together, have either of his kids ever purchased me a present. I figured this year would be like every other year. Amy suggested I purchase them a can of soup each, but I wanted to get something a little more substantive. I picked up some beer for his son, because he's 21 and that's what 21 year old's like. Then he bought me a $50 Nordstrom gift card and I felt like a huge asshole. HOW COULD I HAVE PREDICTED?!?!?!?!? Awkward....

4.) Your family discusses your unemployment at the Christmas dinner table. 

If there's one thing I like talking about less than being single and how I use to be fat, its my new status of unemployment. I've been kinda keeping in on the DL. I don't just announce it to everyone (except here on my blog, clearly) and especially not to my exceedingly successful extended family. Don't worry, my grandmother certainly announced it to everyone at some point because there was an extended discussion about my plan of action at the Christmas dinner table. Le sigh. I'm glad everyone else has a plan for me because I certainly do not. The plan is: Return to Phoenix, Get drunk on NYE, go to Costa Rica, Come back, Die. That's all I've got-- KTHX.

5.) That night you go to the bar and see your entire high school.

Everybody knows that bar that everyone goes to when they come back in town for the holidays. For us, its Durty Nellie's. Everyone hates it, but we all still go and see all the people we went to high school with and then we gossip about them until they awkwardly saunter over and say hello. Then a 3-5 minute even more awkward conversation occurs. They walk away and you discuss how awkward all that happened was. This happened on the 4th of July and near to Christmas, without fail. I tried to avoid this however an old friend from junior high asked me out for a drink last week and chose...dun dun dun....Nellie's. ARGH. We chose a quiet corner table and had a few beers before our former junior high and high school colleagues started pouring in. I tried to avoid eye contact. I tried to play with my phone like I was super busy. I tried turning physically to the wall...but nothing worked. Awkward run-in's occured. My 2012 resolution is to NEVER go to Durty Nellie's EVER again. I am serious.

I'm back to Phoenix tomorrow night and back to regularly blogging into 2013. Get pumped for all new date reviews and my backpackers blog from Costa Rica. xoxo.

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