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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

WTF Wednesday: Top 10 Hawaii Moments

I can't even believe some of the shit that happen on my Hawaii trip...and oh...it happened. WTF.

In all seriousness, my trip to Hawaii was absolutely amazing. So amazing that it took me yesterday AND today to compile my Top 10 WTF Moments of the trip. So, I apologize for the one day delay but I realized Hawaii was wayyyy more WTF Wednesday than it was whatever no topic Tuesday is. It deserves more than Tuesday. So, without further ado, my top 10 Hawaii vacation moments.

1.) There was a huge tsunami randomly approaching Hawaii without any warning on our first night.

Kyle and I had just arrived home from the liquor store after dinner on our first night in Hawaii when I received a text message from Lacie that said "ARE YOU OKAY??? TSUNAMI HITTING HAWAII!!!". We, of course, laughed and I replied, "Um, that's a hurricane on the East Coast". Then we turned on CNN and moment after, the Tsunami sirens started blaring outside on the beach boardwalk. We pour our first drinks.

I feel like these sort of things only happen to me. So, we're a bit terrified since the local news is calling for an evacuation of the Waikiki beach area and are FILMING DIRECTLY OUTSIDE OF OUR HOTEL, saying that they are standing in the central evacuation zone. We pour our second drinks.

I call the front desk and they're like, "Oh, you're on the 9th floor, you're fine as long as you're above the 4th floor". Um. That does not sound reassuring. We pour our third drinks.

By this time, we're convinced the world is ending. Kyle's dad has called everyone on earth and send everyone on the mainland into a panic. The time the tsunami is suppose to hit comes and goes. We are intoxicated. If we're going to die, we're going to die drunk and happy.

The tsunami passed up Waikiki Beach. Nothing happened. FYI. We're still alive.

2.) Kyle is a nudist and a sex addict...in a way that I admire.

For those of you who don't know Kyle, we've been friends since early high school. He's a firefighter/EMT in Chicago and despite a very impressive muscular physique, he's probably only like 5'7 and 140 pounds. Oh and he eats like 9000 calories a day. Tell me how that is fair. Anyways, the point is, Kyle is the shit. He's offensive and kind of mean and very vain, all in a very good way. For these reasons, we are good friends.

Kyle also loves being naked. He was naked 114% of the time we were inside of the hotel room and probably some small percentage outside of the hotel room, but I block that from my memories. Good thing that Kyle is like...my brother, so it certainly doesn't bother me. I could be peeing and he could be brushing his teeth all in the same bathroom and I could care less. We're tight that way.

Also, do you know what Grindr is? Welp, I didn't. Now I do. Kyle loves it. I certainly encourage you to explore all of its uses.

3.) "Are you peeling the wall paper?"

After we came in from a night out drinking, Kyle and I were both in bed with the lights out. All of a sudden, I hear crinkling and rustling. Munch. Munch. Kyle is always hungry, so I wasn't entirely too surprised to hear this noise. I lean over and say, "Are you peeling the wall paper?" Kyle bashfully replies, "I'm eating Reese's Pieces...don't worry about it".  WHAT? WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET REESE'S PIECES? He didn't even share. So rude.

4.) We are the prettiest people in the bar.

On Halloween, Kyle and I drank about a gallon of booze each, which led to a very miserable next day and I may never drink again as a result of that. There are so many parts of this evening, I don't even know where to start. 

In the morning, Kyle and I tried to find Halloween costumes. We figured we could slap on some cat ears and dress sexy, a la Mean Girls, and be done with it. APPARENTLY SEXY KITTIES ARE THE ABSOLUTELY MOST POPULAR COSTUME IN ALL OF HAWAII, because there were no cat ears anywhere. So, we went for plan B which was to rip the sheets off our beds and make togas. Because I am a sorority girl, I am well versed in sexy toga making. Here was the result:

Waikiki Beach actually is the third largest party spot for Halloween in the country, so we were lucky to be right in the center of the action. All night, everyone was stopping us, asking to take our photos. Once, 20 minutes went by without this happening and we were so confused why no one was recognizing us as the celebrities we were that we did a few laps around the bar (AND COUNTER CLOCK WISE) until we once again stumbled, literally, into fame.

Did I mention we're both incredibly vain? The above photo was taken at the end of the night right after Kyle spilled my drink on feet, assaulted my mouth and then we both fell off of the ledge I'm sitting on, leading to us leaving the bar before we were kicked out. Classic.

5.) Skydiving on the North Shore

We went skydiving over the North Shore of Oahu, right one the coast. Yep, jumped out of another plane at 15,000 feet. Kyle nearly shit himself. It was a great day.

6.) That time we rented a piece of shit, go kart looking Jeep.

Kyle and I are both commitment-phobes. We knew what we wanted to see but all of the tours are SO FRICKIN LONG. Seriously, a Pearl Harbor tour was like...9 hours. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR NINE HOURS? Stupid. So, we got the idea to rent a car and drive to Pearl Harbor and the North Shore on our own so we could move at our own pace. After calling a few rental places, we found a place called VIP Rentals where we could rent a car at a reasonable price. We walk on over there and the place is LITERALLY a tent on the side of an alley. Classy. Of course, the car they told us the price for was a 5-speed and neither of us can drive that, so they agreed to give us a Jeep Wrangler. 

This Jeep was seriously 15 years old, no top, no locks, a hole in the floor, ghetto fabulous. The radio only got reception like 3% of the time. Since we were renting it for 1 day, we said what the hell and went for it. We jump on the highway and the car LITERALLY only goes 45 miles per hour. We're being passed up by 1981 rusted out Honda Civics.

On the North Shore, the highway is only one lane each way. We single-handedly caused a traffic jam going up hill because we just couldn't go any faster. We did get home in one piece, but barely. Thank God Kyle was driving because I would've gotten frustrated and drove off a cliff.

7.) I stepped on a piece of candy.

Kyle and I went out on Sunday night because we felt we really needed to have a few drinks to celebrate our survival of the tsunami that didn't actually hit us. So, we started the night at Rumfire, which is a swanky bar that you'll hear about later on in the list, followed by a stop at Hula's which is a popular gay bar in Waikiki. After a few drinks, we were stumbling the half a block back to our hotel when Kyle spots a Reeses' Peanut Butter Cup on the sidewalk. Second after, I accidentally stomp on it, crushing it. Kyle shrieks, "YOU STEPPED ON THE CANDY", in a shrill and whiney voice, over and over, until we get to the hotel room. Seriously? Were you going to eat it? We had a good laugh about it, for aboutttttt an hour, until Kyle told me the story of how two mutual friends of ours gave him a BJ in the back of a car sometime while we were in high school. I couldn't stop both vomiting and laughing.

8.) That time we got naked on the beach.

When we drove up to the North Shore in our POS Jeep rental, we stopped at a few totally pristine, local beaches. There are no restaurants or anything around these beaches, so they are totally gorgeous and isolated from tourists. If I had to watch one more fat tourist go apeshit at Subway over the cost of a foot long in Hawaii, I would absolutely freak out. There was also only one shanty bathroom about half a mile from the beach that was overun by homeless looking locals...so we opted to change clothes right on the beach. Nobody looked. Nobody cared. It was done. The beaches are that pristine and isolated that you can. How about that for natural beauty?

9.) We got chased out of a Gay mixer by an Australian Bogan.

Kyle and I decided to go to this gay mixer that's held once a month at a swanky hotel bar called Rum Fire in the Sheraton, right on Waikiki Beach. We waltz in and buy entirely too expensive drinks which makes us grumpy. Because Kyle and I are judgey, we took a seat to take in the scenery. We're literally sitting on the barrier between gays and straights. On our left, there's a bunch of middle aged couples sitting in wicker chairs frowning and on our right, there's several dozen gay men bumpin' and grindin' to Madonna blaring from the DJ booth. Man, I really should reconsider my sexuality if that's what the future looks like.

After a while, this creepy bogan (by American standard, a redneck) Aussie dude starts talking to us. He's missed teeth. Kyle introduces himself as Ben. Anyways, this Aussie guy goes to get a drink and tells us he'll be right back with us. Being kind of tipsy and rude, we bolt as soon as we can. He sees us and starts CHASING us down these winding hallways of the Sheraton. We're dying trying to run and laugh simultaneously. I can't even.

10.) The French Fry Incident.

Its no secret than I've been dieting and working out like crazy to loose weight I put on post college and then some. Kyle is a great person to go on vacation with because he works out everyday religiously (and dragged my ass with him) and eats fairly healthy, so all week I was really proud of myself for making good choices to stay on track. 

On Halloween, as I mentioned, we drank a lot. More than a lot. En route home, after we fell off the ledge at the bar and tumbled down a flight of stairs and stole a cigarette, we tried to get pizza at the Wolfgang Puck Express, which was long closed for the night. While Kyle assaulted the doors trying to break in and make pizza, we saw McDonald's take out in someone's hands...and so it began. The journey 3 blocks to McDonald's.

I haven't eaten McDonald's in like...8 months. Kyle probably hasn't in a year. But we attacked a large order of fries and nuggets. Attacked. I'm not joking. We had to ration the fries out 2 by 2 because neither of us could be trusted to share.

In the morning, I woke up with fries in my bed. And I ate them. Then I went back to my hangover coma until 2am. Shameful. Shameful. Shameful.

We referred to McDonald's as the scene of the crime for the rest of the week. 


So, that's that. My favorite parts of the trip. So much crazy I don't know what to do with, but hell, I'm glad I went. It was a great week :)

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