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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

WTF Wednesday: The Problem with Mutual Friends Who Hook up

Friends should let mutual friends hook up with each other.

And here's the story of why. So, some time ago, Amy decided to hook up her friend--we'll call her Penelope--with Amy and I's mutual friend--we'll call him Ted. While Amy thought this would be an adorable and long lasting match, it didn't really turn out the way, mainly because Ted is a.) blind, b.) dumb and c.) an asshole.

The reason I'm writing about this now is because Amy and I got together with Penelope over the weekend and the entire truth came out. Well, not the entire truth because Penelope is a classy lady, but as much of the truth as Amy and I could badger out of her over dinner and 4 bottles of champagne. 

Let's rewind a moment. Amy had hooked up Ted and Penelope a while back, and when she asked Ted what the outcome of the night was after Amy left them at the bar together, he claimed that he went home right after. Needless to say, he actually ended up staying all night with Penelope AND taking her to breakfast the next morning, which Penelope recounted to Amy later the next day.

Friend hook up foul #1: Lying to your mutual friend about the occurrences of the night without planning a back story with the other party involved in your lie.

Anyways, fast forward again to this past weekend when Amy and I finally dug into Penelope about what really happened that night. Not that its any of our business, but we figured there must be juicy details if Ted was lying to us about the entire situation.
So, we poked and prodded and grilled Penelope until she gave us some vague details, claiming she was "too drunk" to recall all of the details

Friend hook up foul #2: Being "too drunk" is not an excuse to "not remember" details.

So, here's the time line of events according to Penelope:

10pm: Amy leaves Penelope and Ted at the bar
10:30pm: Ted follows Penelope home
10:40pm: Ted asks Penelope, "So, you wanna make out?"
10:45pm: Make out ensues.
11:00pm-7:00am: Penelope's memory suddenly blanks for MANY HOURS, nudity may have been involved
7:15am: Ted examines the view from Penelope's window and exclaims, "I could get use to this."
7:30am: Ted and Penelope enjoy an episode of Friends. Ted becomes famished.
8:00am: Penelope and Ted arrive at a diner for breakfast. She has an omelet, he has pancakes- no mousse.
9:00am: Penelope walks Ted to his car and he hugs her goodbye. He does not ask for her phone number.

There are a lot of things wrong here. First of all, Ted has been using the same line since junior high when he was romancing me and all of my other friends as well. Obvious "Wanna make out?" is working for him, although I have absolutely no idea how or why that works on adult women. Good for him if it does though...who would think something so innocent and simple could lead to so much more for Ted?

The biggest issue here is...Ted DID NOT ask for Penelope's phone number after staying the night at her place AND knowing that there is a mutual friend involved. Clearly, this angered Penelope, as it would me as well, because Ted knew DAMN WELL they would likely be seeing each other again.

Here's a message to all the men out there: 99.9% of women do not go into a hook up the first night they meet a guy with the idea that it is going to be a one night stand. They just don't. Women have delusions of weddings and romance and wining and dining with a man they're bringing home. Women are emotional creatures, full of imagination and hopes and dreams, while men are thinking about the booty and nothing else. So, MAYBE if Ted had stopped to think about the awkward repercussions of his actions here and Penelope has stopped to think about her delusions of dating Ted long term, we wouldn't be here in this awkward mutual friend situation

Friend hook up foul #3: Don't try to have a one night stand with a mutual friend's friend. It never turns out well for anyone.

I'm not putting the blame on Ted or Penelope, but clearly the intentions of the evening were misaligned which lead to Ted lying about it and Penelope fretting over it far longer than she should have. I totally sympathize with Penelope though, because long, long ago, I had a crush on Ted as well. He's a charming fellow, bad pick up line and all, and very handsome, so I don't blame her for her actions or for being hurt that he's a bag of douche who didn't bother to ask for her number.
What I can't understand is why either of them is being so shady about what actually happened that night. I feel like if you're in a group of friends and you're going to hook up...you should just own it. You don't obviously need to discuss the dirty deets (unless you're friends with Amy and I), but you shouldn't be ashamed of it.

We're all adults here. And we're all friends here. So, y'all had an awkward one night stand. I'm not judging, I'm just giggling because its always amusing to know two people have bumped uglies at one point or another. I never claimed to be a mature adult here, don't hate.

I'm fairly sure both Ted and Penelope may strangle me when they read this, which is why their names have been changed--- for my protection. I'm sure next time they decide to get together, I will certainly be getting absolutely zero details.

Friend hook up foul #4: Don't keep secrets from your friend who blogs...it just makes her more likely to write about it after all.

1 comment:

  1. LMAO when you said hook up i didnt think meet up ;) dirty