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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Single Girl Recipe of the Week: Bang Bang Shrimp and Califlower

Hey folks.

I realize I've been fairly MIA but that's because I'm freakingggggggggg out over my Mother's upcoming visit to Phoenix (she hasn't visited me since I moved here) as well as getting all the details ready for the LA road trip for my GBiggie Jamie's wedding in 2 weeks, followed directly by my trip to Hawaii. Lots to be excited about but lots to save money for and cleaning my apartment compulsively happens to take priority over blogging.

Also, I've had a number of bridesmaid gripes in the past week, but as to not often the brides who read my blog regularly, I just jotted them down because we know I'm a hot head and when I blog while angry, I say rash things and I'm not about being negative OR hurt feelings these days. So, once I cool off from my list of angry bridesmaid feelings, I do promise a few lovely blogs on ways to make your bridesmaids absolutely insane.

In other news, I'm officially 40+ pounds down on diet. Still can't really tell. GOD DAMMIT. I also found out "Break Amish" isn't real at all. Its FAKE FAKE FAKE. GOD DAMMIT x 2. There's a few other frustrations from the week, but I'm not even going there right now.

Instead of venting for the next 1500 words, I'm going to share my latest delicious and under 450 calorie meal option. If you've ever been to Bonefish Grill, you've tried their Bang Bang Shrimp. its basically heaven on earth. So, here's the recipe to make your own, but I've added a side of Bang Bang cauliflower because, well, cauliflower is super low cal, yet super filling and good for you. Here we go!

You Need:

40 large (12.8 oz) raw shrimp, shelled
1/2 cup Panko bread crumbs
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup egg whites
1 head cauliflower
Salt & pepper
1 tablespoon garlic powder
Green onion
1/4 cup coconut oil

1/4 cup lite mayo
1/4 cup  Sweet Chili Sauce or Siracha (I do it half and half for a nice, healthy kick)
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
2 tablespoons sugar

First, let's prepare the cauliflower. Slice your cauliflower florets. Mix salt, pepper and garlic powder into your Panko breadcrumbs in a shallow dish. The, set separate bowls aside with egg whites and cornstarch. Dip your florets one by one into the cornstarch, and shake off excess. Then dip into egg whites, and then coat with Panko mixture. After coating all of your florets, warm up your coconut oil in a large frying pan and place all florets in hot oil. Turn with tongs making sure all sides are browned. Set on top of paper towels to remove excess oil.

 Remember, smaller florets = way more tender delicious pieces. The first time I made this, I used big florets because I was lazy and wanted to hurt the hell up with the process. It ended up making very crunchy and barely battered. I warn you all now....the smaller the floret, the better tasting.

Now the grilled shrimp. Soak wooden skewers in water at least 20 minutes (or use metal ones to avoid this step). Season shrimp lightly pepper. Place 5 shrimp on 8 skewers. Heat a clean, lightly oiled grill to medium heat, when the grill is hot add the shrimp, careful not to burn the skewers. Grill on both sides for about 6 - 8 minutes total cooking time or until the shrimp is opaque and cooked through.

In a small bowl mix all of your sauce ingredients. Brush sauce onto the skewered shrimp. Coat your breaded and pan fried cauliflower and grilled shrimp with sauce, top with sprinkles of green onion and serve right away.

Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom.

Back tomorrow with Part 2 of last week's WTF Wednesday for Manic Mondays.

Thursday, September 27, 2012


Don't judge me. 

So, I waited to write WTF Wednesday yesterday because I had plans to go to Happy Hour with Tiffany at Blue Martini, and usually Blue Martini always proves for a pretty great WTF in my life for one reason or another.

Wednesday at Blue Martini is Ladies' Night, so there's always heaps of dudes there and food/drinks are half off. A little about Blue Martini for those not familiar, its basically a well known sugar daddy/ cougar bar in Scottsdale, BUT its really upscale, with great food, potent cocktails, and live music every night. A band we like plays there a few nights a week as well, and since Blue Martini just across the street from where we live, its the perfect place to relax and let loose.

Feeling good and looking cute at Happy Hour
Tiffany is currently on a semester break from medical school and had a long week working in the client, doing her doctor thing. My excuse was celebratory drinks as I found out earlier this week that I won a 2-week weight loss challenge, loosing 9.6 pounds in two week! There was a small cash prize, but mostly just bragging rights. Anyways, since I am basically out of commission most of October, I figured I ought to celebrate a little now. Anything is an excuse for Blue Martini night, let's be real.

We ordered a bunch of delicious food, and started drinking our very pretty martinis. Since the drinks were half off, they were flowing quite freely and before I knew it, I was 5 martinis deep and realllyyyyy starting to feel it. As expected, there were a slew of older gentleman flocking around Tiffany and I chatting us up and offering to buy us the next round of martinis. 

A couple of gentleman stood out. The first was a Canadian business man from Toronto who kept telling me I had the best hair cut in the bar (I haven't cut it in months). He was pretty nice and since my phone was rapidly dying, he let us take these fun photos on his phone to capture our night. When the sexy, sexy guitarist from the band came over to take some shots and hang out during the set break, he sent Mr. Canadian over to talk to the lead singer of the band, who is a Lady Gaga looking lady who doesn't love to socialize with anyone during the performances. We all had a good laugh and took some more shots and Mr. Canada was laughing off our little prank. Anyways, he emailed me this morning to say thanks and that he loved my hair cut this morning. Odd.

Mr. Canadian and some pretty ladies

 Tiffany actually found the next character of the night while I was talking to this guy who runs an outsourced CFO company (much like The Ex did), but that's a story for next Manic Monday (JUST WAIT BECAUSE ITS GOING TO BE FULL OUT INSANITY). While I was involved in the conversation with the tall, bald, CFO wearing a Movado watch, Tiffany was being assaulted by these Italian guys. They were all over my pretty blonde Tiffany to dance with them. Because, as I said before, a really nice human being, she exchanged numbers with the quirky, older but kinda hot Italian dude who barely spoke English.

Shortly after he sent her this text message: 
"come to my hot tub, I make you pasta, xoxo. I like your shoes.:

Is there really anything more to be said about that. Check out the very drunken photo of me, the pasta making Italian and an equally drunk Tiffany...it was in my inbox this morning with the message from Mr. Canadian. Le sigh.

Why are we all so happy about this photo?
 Needless to say, after we paid another exorbitant bar tab, we headed out to Mellow Mushroom for a couple late night beers with Brian, the guitarist of the band that was playing at Blue Martini. Before I knew it, it was 2:30am and we were still hammered. On our way out of Mellow Mushroom (they literally were like GET OUT), we ran into the manager from Blue Martini, who goes by Cookie.

Cookie is 30, lives just across from Blue Martini, drives a total douche bag vehicle (even though he lives across the street) and is approximately 5'4 (aka the level of my nipples when I wear heels...so he's usually thrilled to see me...). He's actually a really cool guy, but for the LONGEST time he would never remember us even though we're BM regulars. Anyways, last Monday when we were there, we told him we worked at Mellow Mushroom so we could get half off food and drinks because Mondays are Industry Nights. Upon chatting with us last night, he realized our ridiculous lie, but said we were so pretty that it really didn't matter...and then handed me an Industry Night VIP card. 

After another hour of standing around chatting with Brian and Cookie, with promises of Sunday Funday and "the hook up" and how stupid the waitresses at Blue Martini are (they're basically just really fucking pretty, but really fucking stupid), we FINALLY headed home.

3:36am. Fuck. I had to be up for work at 5am. 

Needless to say, today has been the absolute most miserable day of my life. I was so hungover and exhausted that I practically fell asleep on a conference call. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Its 1pm and I'm STILL miserable. I am obviously getting really old and it is clear that I am certainly by no means a responsible adult in any way. 

Kill me.

....So, do it again next Wednesday?

Monday, September 24, 2012

Manic Mondays: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend--- Revenge can be so, so sweet (like double fudge brownies)

Has a girl ever baked you brownies as an apology for being a psychotic bitch?

Hasn't your mother ever told you not to accept goodies from crazy girls you've dated? If you read my blog, you know that one of my favorite things to do for the men in my life is to bake variety of desserts, pastries and baked goods. I'm fairly certain no man will ever accept my baked goods again after reading this story. Oh well. Less work for me. 

Anyways, today's story was inspired by a conversation I had with someone today. I was trying to woo him into adding me onto his Amazon Prime account in exchange for kisses and cookies, which is a really good deal, clearly. The point is, this reminded me of a dude I dated in college, sometime after College Ex but before Second College Ex.

When I got to college, I knew not how to bake anything at all. However, the girl across the hall (who later became my roommate, best friend and sorority sister) graciously started teaching me little by little how to bake things all by my very self. This started with the basics, like brownies and cookies, and ended with THE PECAN PIE that won the heart of College Ex and led us into a fabulous, baked good filled, 3 year relationship. I will be forever thankful for her lessons, as they later allowed me to be the psychotic ex girlfriend from hell to one very deserving gentleman.

Anyways, so I was dating this guy name Matt. Not crazy Matt from high school, but this guy was a rich kid from Bethesda with a nice, fast sports car and an okay job that let him take out out for sushi 2-3 nights a week. Our little relationship ran its course after a few months and he dumped me one night that we were suppose to go out for margaritas in Silver Spring where my sorority sister's new boyfriend was bartending (HELL TO THE YEAH FREE TEQUILA). I don't even really remember being upset about it, but really, I was just irritated that I got dumped before I could dump him.

I went completely ape shit on him for a.) dumping me, b.) ruining margarita night and c.) once again making me single while College Ex ran around with a freshman with mad kankles. This tantrum was a full out psychotic episode over the phone, with every psycho actions in the book, from the psycho call to the threat of telling his mother on him. Not mature. I'm aware. Don't judge me.

During our relationship, I made him these amazing double fudge, caramel brownies that were super rich but so delicious. Matt was superrrrrrrrr talllllllllll and superrrrrrrrr slender so he could eat the entire tray of brownies without any regrets at all.

So, the next day after our break up, I decided to make Matt some make-up brownies. I was still stewing in my rage over what went down the night before, and now my mood was complete with a wicked tequila hang over, so I was super ready to make some deeeeeeeeeeeelllllliiiiccciiious brownies.

I'm sure we can all see where this is going, but yes, I hiked on down to CVS and bought all the ingredients I needs--- the typical: eggs, milk, oil, cocoa powder, laxatives...you know, the usual brownie ingredients.

Ahem. Two boxes of laxatives.

I put them right in the batter, baked them up really good. Put them on a lovely platter I stole from the University Cafeteria and tied them up with a nice, little bow on top. I drove over, rang his doorbell. He cautiously answered, and I stood there, beaming and holding out the plate of his favorite brownies.

"Just wanted to drop these off and say sorry for how I acted. I hope we can be friends forever!", I pulled out all of the cheese I had left in my frickin' body. I turned right on my heels and left him with brownies in hand.

Approximately 4 hours later, Matt was blowing up my phone with calls and texts, ranging from angry to furious to psychotic threats to harm me and the devil that lives inside of me. I, of course, didn't answer these messages and threw back another Jager shot at the Malt Shop with the very sexy bartender.

A couple years later, I ran into Matt at a bar, far after I had graduated college and was just back in DC visiting. He was SHOCKINGLY cordial to me, and claimed--despite the gastrointestinal distress I put him into for 24 hours-- they were still the best damn brownies he ever tasted.

Who's wants a sample of my "best damn brownies" next?

Sunday, September 23, 2012

The Ex cancelled our shared Amazon Prime account and it nearly made me cry.

It is absolutely true.

So, this weekend has been fairly great. I've hit the pool, done all my laundry, gone grocery shopping and had a ton of fun in the process. A few things happened, and I'd like to share those with you.

1.) I made plans for Saturday night to go out with my girl, Connie, to have some dinner and drinks. I was sitting at Yardhouse waiting for her and out of the corner of my eye, I saw my ex boyfriend. I turned to get a better look and realized it was actually a 60 year old butch lesbian woman. Le sigh.

2.) My roommate dug out an old remote and programmed it to make it work on my TV, so I am no longer a ghetto button-pressing tv channel changer. I am forever thankful for this action.

3.) My new favorite show is "Breaking Amish". Those are some sassy, sassy Amish bitties on that show.

4.) I've been practicing my "pony dancing" skillz, as I am obsessed with "Gangnam Style" by Psy, who is a Korean K-Pop rapper. I was introduced to him by Amy in her quest to find the perfect wedding dance to perform. I highly suggest you check it out below.

5.) Lastly, I got a very sad email last night while I was out at Blue Martini. I was practically ready to cry, but the sexy, sexy guitarist from a band that plays frequently at BM came over to talk with us, so I was immediately cheered up by his arm around me and his Jim Beam breath on my neck. I was also drunk, so my emotions have the ability to go from low to high instantaneously. So, here is the email:

I suspect it was time we split off from the shared account anyways. I guess I will now get my own amazon prime account, as I do not think I can recover from the heart break of NOT having Amazon Prime. I certainly love it a lot more than I ever loved the Ex. 

Happy Sunday, Bitches!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

The GREAT David's Bridal Debate: it ends here.

I'm so tired of hearing brides hatin' on David's Bridal.

Helloooooo all! I realize I've been kind of out of touch this week, but I've been immensely busy attending happy hours and trying to fit my ass into a dress I bought for an October wedding that is two sizes too small (BUT IT WAS 6 BUCKS). Anyways, good news is, the dress fit perfectly this morning, so I can cut back slightly on the excessive exercise, but only slightly since I have clearly been drinking excessively as well. Anyways, the highlight of my week was certainly the Luke Bryan/ Jason Aldean concert that I went to with Tiffany.

Aren't my boots great?
I've certainly also decided my next boyfriends needs to have a southern accent, tight jeans and experience in two-steppin'. I'm going to start hanging around the country bars in Phoenix until I find one. I'm not sure I can pull off having anything in common with a country boy, except that I like country music that sounds like pop music. DOIN' IT.

Anyways, back to the point of this blog. As many of you know, I spent a good portion of each day talking with my bride-to-be friends about their wedding since I am either a bridesmaids or an attendee. This often leads to talk of not only bridesmaid dresses, but also bridal gowns. 

Now, for any of you who know me in real life, you know that I am someone who loves the finer things in the life, but don't get me wrong, I love myself a good bargain. I may be wearing $365 Tiffany's sunglasses, but I also bought my sundress at Ross for 10 bucks. Go figure.

That said, I cannot understand why my friends who are getting married, many of which are under 30 and on somewhat of a budget, hate on David's Bridal. I understand that "Say Yes to the Dress" has given us absolutely unrealistic expectation of what buying a wedding dress should be, however, THAT IS A TELEVISION SHOW. While they call it reality TV, we all know that it is not at all reality. There are very few brides with a $30,000 dress budget and the need for 4 separate dresses because they're having four weddings in all corners of the earth. So, let's stop fantasizing, start getting real and stop hatin' on David's Bridal.

So, I'm here to debunk the top three David's Bridal myths I've recently encountered.

Myth #1: You don't get "personalized attention" at David's Bridal

First off, this is stupid. While you make think you're super special because you're a bride, so does every single other bride who roams into David's Bridal. The people there deal with the equivalent of Black Friday shoppers pretty much daily. God bless the DB's bridal consultants for doing what they do, because I would probably smack a bridezilla bitch at the end of day 1 on the job. 

Second, David's Bridal is a franchise. Not all David's Bridal's are created equal. For instance, I went to a DB in Schaumburg, Illinois, which is near one of the largest malls in America. Its clear that they focus on quantity of dresses sold over quality of service due to the number of people who come in daily; however, when I went to the DB in Scottsdale, Arizona (a very hoity-toity rich area, in the middle of a ton of high end boutiques), I was treated with the "Say Yes to the Dress" experience even though I was just trying on bridesmaid dresses. They even brought me cucumber water since it was 7000000 degrees outside and I was sweating all over their dresses. 

If one DB's doesn't have what you want or the consultant isn't finding what you're looking for, ask for a manager's opinion or GO TO A DIFFERENT STORE. Just because on DB is shady, doesn't mean the next one is. If you need a cheap dress, you should probably be willing to go to far lengths to find that dress. If you aren't willing, then buy something mediocre and out of your budget--- Hell, I don't care, just don't bitch to me that DB is SO SHADY and the consultants has trashy taste, because I know from person experience that it isn't always that way.

Myth #2: You can get better bridesmaid dresses online for cheaper!

No. The answer is no. David's Bridal bridesmaid dresses are generally under $150 and require no alterations. I've now tried on over dozen styles of dresses there, as well as buying several off the rack as party dresses during their clearance sale. You've seen photos of me, y'all know I'm a busty girl. I usually have to go up one or two sizes to accommodate the chest region. Every time I've been to DB, they've had all sizes in all styles so I can try a variety of sizes to see the best fit for me, with the minimal alterations. This I like very much, because I'm not someone who can ever buy clothing without trying it on first.

I recently set out searching for a bridesmaid dress that Kelsey found online, so I could try it on. Of the nine boutiques in Scottsdale that carry the brand of the dress, only 1 had the style I needed and all they had it in was a size 4 sample (aka size 0 in real life, since bridal runs way small). I may never get to try on this bridesmaid dress until I've already purchased it and committed. I feel very, very nervous about that. 

Honestly, David's Bridal bridesmaid dresses are very affordable, come in many colors, sizes and style and can be ordered fairly quickly. I bought a lime green chiffon ruffley number in their last clearance sale and it was a huge hit at the party I attended. I wore it with no alteration required AND its super nicely made. The chiffon is flowy and soft; its lined and the tube top has boning up the sides for extra support. 
This color makes me look very tan, therefore its a big hit with me.
I was very impressed and have been recommending that my brides on a budget strongly consider DB for their bridesmaid dress since most bridesmaids aren't thrilled to be spending $200+ for a dress they didn't specifically pick out. If they aren't complaining, its because you have nice friends....or rich friends....I'm pretty sure you'll know which category they're in.

Myth #3: David's Bridal Dresses are "cheap" and "lower quality".

 This is a dress that you will wear for one day for 12 hours. And never again, likely. You go ahead and spend thousands on a dress you think its the best of quality. Hell, even a wedding dress hypothetically made by Forever 21 would hold up for 12 hours. Be real.

A while back, Vera Wang started designing an affordable line for David's Bridal. So, I've taken a few dresses from the LEGIT Vera Wang line that costs $10,000 and paired them with the David's Bridal alternative. See which dress you think looks higher quality....I'll reveal answers below. 

Dress #1:

Dress #2:

Dress #3:

 Now for the results:

Dress #1: Vera on the left. David's Bridal on the right at $1200.

Dress #2: Vera left, David's Bridal on the right at $1000, $58 for the sash.

Dress #3: Vera on the left, David's Bridal on the right at $600, with a sash at $148.

How did that little game turn out for you? I actually PREFER the DB dresses in every single instance. And the models don't look like ghosts. But besides that, there's essentially no difference in how they look---and they all look amazingly beautiful on the brides in the photos. No one could tell if your dress was $30,000 or $1,000....they care how you look in.

Try to spend less time thinking about what your bridal gown SHOULD cost and focus on how it makes you look and feel. The bridal industry is a bazillion dollar business and clearly DB is successful for a reason. Let them do what they do best and focus on what you want for your big day. I highly doubt you've always wanted to spend $10,000+ on a dress, but if so, then try to push that to that back of your mind and offer your guests premium bar with the $10,000 you saved on your dress. I promise you, they'll love you and shower you in far more affections for offering open bar than spending an exorbitant amount on your dress.

Thoughts, feelings, emotions? Share them with me!!!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

WTF WEDNESDAY: Match.com "The Stir" Mixer-- Take 2

If you get drunk, its pretty damn fun.

Happy Wednesday, Everyone! Its actually already Thursday for most of you, but I wanted to save this excellence for WTF Wednesday and I'm so excited about it, I have to blog before I go to bed. This night was just too good not to talk about.

So, may of you will recall my first Match.com "The Stir" event. I dragged along Lacie and Tammy to a happy hour at The Mint in Scottsdale sometime in August and hilarity ensued. This Match mixer was maybe even better---it certainly did not disappoint. Tammy and Lacie got lucky this time, as Tiffany agreed to join me for yet another Stir event at The Mint. We were planning on happy hour anyways, so even though Tiff has a serious boyfriend of approximately 1 million years, she was a good sport...and I offered to pay her bar tab...that is a good deal.

We arrived about 7pm. There was basically no one there yet, so we plopped ourselves at the bar in prime people watching position. Within 15 minutes, several dozen others were entering at a steady pace. I'd say by 8pm there was about 80-100 people there. Pretty damn good turn out. At some point, I decided I need to live tweet my experiences because there were so many exciting things happening, we were laughing wayyyy too much and the drinks were going down fast and easy. I just didn't want to forget a thing. Let's have a look...

So this pretty much sums up our first Match encounter of the evening. Within minutes of entering, we noticed a midget in attendance. I got so excited...she was legit the tiniest person I've ever seen. I wanted to make friends with her, but since I was wearing my typical 5 inch stilettos on top of my 5'11 frame, I thought I might step on her because I was practically the Jolly Green Giant...so I just sat at the bar and giggled and drank my overpriced cocktails.

Tiffany has the unfortunate problem of being very pretty and also very nice, so she attracted the biggest creepers of all. The first was Jay--as you read above, I thought veryyyy highly of him. He seemed nice enough, but lots of weird jerky hand movement that made me twitchy and nervous, and also, he was drinking soda at happy hour. I'm automatically suspicious of people who don't booze. Anyways, about the time he started to loudly voice political views, the bartender (from Naperville, for my Chicago readers) started pouring Tiffany and I free shots. He just felt that bad for us. YES, PLEASE. Because I'm a really good friend, I left Tiffany to fend for herself with Jay, while I made sexy eyes at the bartender and ordered more drinks.
After Jay left us to go mingle with other unsuspecting women, Tiffany and I wandered off and met this super cool girl named Sarah who is new to Phoenix and came by herself. She asked if we could be friends, and turns out, we actually hung out the entire night. At some point, we also pulled in Jerry, who is a 29 year old from Colorado with an MBA and working for Target Corporate. Tiffany played mad-style wing woman on that one. Jerry also witnessed the political debate at the bar 30 minutes prior, so he already knew how pretty and fun and cool we were. Naturally, he hung out with us the rest of the event. While I'm chatting it up with Jerry and Sarah, Tiffany is being harassed by some other weirdo who asks her to go have a "private conversation"....UMMMM, we're at a bar??? We finally escape weirdo #2 and Tiffany runs into a girl she went to junior high with who is kinda rude and kinda ugly. Of course, Tiffany is nice to her, while I stop to check my phone. I find my co-worker Meredith BLOWING up my phone with texts. Here's our convo:
I'm a pretty great co-worker, let's be honest. After all the excitement of new people and escaping weirdos, we're finally for the last segment of my live tweets.

I started up the VIP table with Sarah, Jerry, Tiff, myself and the girl from junior high, with her friends somewhere in the middle of the evening. Seeing how cool and fun we were, attracted a few other lingering Match people, including one guy who compared his job to being "basically Jason Bourne" and that he works in "military espionage". OKAY, I'M SURE. That's why you're telling us. Worst. Spy. Ever.

Finally its time to pay our ridiculously high bar tab and head out. Tiffany and I roll by Brandon #2's office, where he's working late for a hot minute...and well, you see how that turned out.

All in all, we had a great time. I made some new friends, got a few phone numbers from people I would legit like to hang out with. Certainly not in any romantic sense, but hell, I can use more friends in Phoenix for sure. As awkward as these events are, they definitely do force you to put yourself out there, talk to new people and embrace the fact you're a single in Scottsdale and you're on Match.com. There are worse things in life...right?

Wow. Tomorrow is going to feel miserable.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Manic Monday: Tales from a Psycho Ex Girlfriend

While I was going to tell "the story", I decided I should follow up on yesterday's post...

So, today is less a tale from the psycho ex girlfriend vault and more a tale of why I am still a vengeful crazy biotch at times. Don't get me wrong, I am certainly a responsible, contributing adult 93% of the time, but when the crazy calls, its call is strong.

So, yesterday, if you read my blog, I put Brandon #1 on blast for being a flakey douchebag. I suppose this is my "psycho action", although all I wrote was true and completely unfabricated. Needless to say, Brandon #1 did not like my public display of his douchebaggery.

He made this very clear to me in a series of novel length text messages while I was out quenching my thirst with Key Lime Martinis at Blue Martini and ogling the very hot guitarist with Tiffany.

Needless to say, I actually was having a bit of drunken sympathy for Brandon #1 because he really did seem to be upset that I was so upset. However, he didn't talk to me at all on Sunday after he screwed up Saturday. When I asked why, he said it was because he didn't want to text AND watch the football game. Sympathy...out the door. 

The point of this story is, he is acting like I'm the psycho because I called him out for what he did on a blog he loved loved loved to read, until it was about him. He knew that his douchebaggery would likely end up on the blog, but still participated willingly in infuriating me.

When I offered to take it down, he said it didn't matter, which just makes me believe he wanted to create mad drama and poke at me until I bite his hand. I did not buy into the drama or biting, so we said we'd let shit cool off a few days and reassess...whatever that means??? Men are so ridiculous.

SO, SERIOUSLY, am I the psycho here or what? I didn't think so.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sunday Date Review: A Tale of Two Brandon's

So, its been a long, hard week without blogging, and trust me, I have so many feelings caught inside me waiting to be expressed, its been just as hard on me as it has on you. But, never fear, take off your mourning veils and mend your broken hearts, I am back to my regularly scheduled blogging as I have fled Chicago and am back to my normal routine in Phoenix. And man, does it feel good.

 So, I returned late Thursday and have been trying to catch up on life, clean my apartment, not eat like shit and make sure everything went out the door for the product launch my company has on Monday. I have also been drinking excessively to cope with this stress, but alas, we'll call it catching up on happy hour since I haven't attended a single one in the past 3 weeks,

So, that brings us to Saturday. As you may recall, I was dating a guy I really like right because I took my 3 week hiatus to Chicago. As predicted, while I was gone, he all but stopped speaking to me, which is odd, since he was super into before I left. When I got back in town, I texted him and we made plans to go out Saturday.

In the mean time, the past few weeks, I've been on and off messaging with this other dude, also named Brandon, on OkCupid. He's very new to Phoenix, fairly new to single life and looking to make new friends. He's 32 and a web designer. At the very least I figured he could migrate my site onto a real web URL for a good price. So, since I was out of town and basically had no time to breathe, I kind of forgot about him, until he messaged me early Saturday afternoon while Tiffany and I were indulging in Turkey Chili and Dexter.

So, Brandon #2 is texting me asking what my plan is, so I figured it was about time to call up Brandon #1 and see if we were still on for Saturday as planned. He was working, doing inventory, and had no clue when he would be off work.

If you didn't know, the inability to make a plan (choose a time and plan, stick to it, etc) is MY NUMBER ONE PET PEEVE. IT INFURIATES ME BEYOND ALL OTHER THINGS. 

 I'm very high strung and do not like to go with the flow. SORRY I'M NOT SORRY.

So, now its mid afternoon, I'm irritated because Brandon #1 will not make a plan to save his life, so I agree to meet Brandon #2 at the Starbucks out the back door of my apartment complex. I'm already perturbed, so I'm not about getting pretty OR getting my in car to go somewhere to meet another asshole man. Brandon #2 happy obliged and 40 minutes later, we were drinking ice coffees and chatting away. Since Brandon #2 is not a weirdo and is actually very charming, funny and cute, I ask if he wants to go sit by the pool with my friends and have a few beers.

Like 3.5 hours later, we were still sitting by the pool chatting, so Brandon #2 asks if I want to go out to dinner, and I am more than happy that someone is willing to feed me tonight, because I still haven't done a single thing with the groceries I bought Friday and living on green apples and peanut butter isn't cutting it.

I check my phone, Brandon #1 texted me. Its now after 7pm and he is still working and "just getting dinner". OKAY, GUESS THAT MEANS WE'RE NOT GOING ON A DINNER DATE. At this point, I've decided Brandon #2 is a much better Saturday night option, because its clear Brandon #1 has ditched me (for the second time now) and I care so little, I cannot even be furious.

So, off to sushi and sake Brandon #2 and I go. It was a gorgeous night in Phoenix-- about 88 degrees and a little breeze. Perfect for sitting out on the patio at Kona Grill and hanging out...so that's what we did. Sometime during our dinner, Brandon #1 texted me that he just got off work (its about 10pm) and he's going to have to call it a night and he understand if I'm mad at him, but he's like to see me another night this week.

OKAY, SURE, DOUCHEBAG. Did he really think I was going to sit around all day and night Saturday waiting for him to make a plan? Because I wasn't and I didn't. The bottom line here is, he knew that this "make a plan" thing is my pet peeve and has now done it TWICE. That's pretty much the end of Brandon #1. I'm not reaching out to him to make a plan, and if he reaches out to me, perhaps I'll be free or maybe I'll leave him hanging like he did to me.

While we mourn the end of my very short infatuation with Brandon #1, let's see it as a sign that led me right into Brandon #2, who, if nothing else, will end up a really good friend because he's weird and quirky like me, and thinks my weird and quirky is adorbs. I'll take it.

Alright, seriously though, I will be back to normal blogging this week. Get ready for the ultimate Manic Monday coming tomorrow.

Happy Sunday, Bitches!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Skinny Sundays: The Best of Sunday Football Snacks

So, I realized I've been a very naughty blogger in the sense I haven't been blogging for days on end. I apologize for this, as I've been out having an amazing social life with my old buddies here in Chicago. If I'm going to stuck in Chicago, I may as well have fun with some of my besties on earth. Friday night, I ended up at Yard House with Bogdan and Zac, with Dave serving us. Just as Dave got off work, Amy and Jared joined us for a drink. I'm fairly certainly all the guys were intensely embarrassed by how loud Amy and I were, but its inevitable. Whenever we're together, our already loud mouths' amplify x 1000. Shocked. Saturday, I met up with Grandma Kathy for an overdue birthday lunch, which is always great to get the latest and greatest family gossip, and then I headed to Amy's. We had an exciting night watched Real House Wives of Atlanta, picking apart $5 foot long turkey sandwiches from Subway and falling asleep at 11pm.

Luckily, because we went to bed early, we were up bright and early to yell at Jared until he made us an amazing breakfast of egg white omelets and my favorite food...HASH BROWNS. By the time breakfast was over, it was nearly time to turn on the Bears games, while Jared cooked Amy and I some amazing and healthy Sunday football game snacks. If you've never been to Chicago and don't know what Chicago Bears fan are like, here's an easy reference guide for you:

Kudos to my sorority sister and fellow amazing blogger, Andrea, for reminding me how absolutely fabulous it is to be a Bears fan in Chicago. Anyways, on with the blog and these amazing recipes. All of them are fairly healthy and very clean to eat. Next time you start to pull out the ribs, brats and chili cheese dip, think before you eat and make one of these delicious alternatives that Jared cooked up for us.

P.S. Jared can take all the credit for finding and cooking these recipes, because I certainly sat on my ass watching TV and drinking coffee while he cooked for me, served me the food and then cleaned up after me. So, thanks Jared, you're a real gem.

Baked Cheesy Spinach Dip

Servings: 10 • Serving Size: 1/4 cup Calories: 92.2 • Fat: 6.8 g Carb: 3.0 g Fiber: 0.7 g Protein: 5.3 g

You need:

  • 10 oz fresh baby spinach
  • 1/2 cup light sour cream
  • 5 tbsp light mayonnaise (or Greek Yogurt for a healthier alternative)
  • 1/3 cup Parmigiano Reggiano
  • 1/4 cup scallion, chopped
  • 1 clove garlic, crushed
  • 1 cup shredded part skim mozzarella cheese
  • fresh pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 375°. Combine all the ingredients in a medium bowl. Place in an oven-proof dish and bake at 375° for 20-25 minutes, until hot and cheese is melted. Serve right away with pita or pretzel chips.

Spinach and Feta Quesadillas

You Need: 

  • 1/2 cup packed baby spinach, steamed and squeezed to drain
  • 1 tablespoon herbs (a combination of mint, dill and parsley), chopped
  • 1 green onion, sliced
  • 2 tablespoons feta, crumbled
  • 2 (8 inch) whole wheat tortillas
  • 1 cup handfuls kasseri or mozzarella, shredded
Mix the spinach, herbs, green onions and feta in a bowl. Melt a touch of butter in a pan. Place a tortilla into the pan, swirl it around in the butter and repeat with the second tortilla. Sprinkle half of the cheese on the tortilla followed by the filling, the remaining cheese and finally the other tortilla. Cook until the quesadilla is golden brown on both sides and the cheese is melted, about 2-4 minutes per side. To easily flip the quesadilla place a plate onto the quesadilla in the pan and flip it from the pan to the plate and then slide it back into the pan.

 Raspberry Peach Salsa

 You Need: 

  • 2 peaches, sliced in half
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 poblano pepper
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 5 tomatoes, diced
  • 1/2 sweet onion, diced
  • 1/2 bunch cilantro, chopped
  • 1/2 serrano peppers, finely chopped
  • 1 pint fresh raspberries
  • 1 lime
  • 1 teaspoon salt
Rub olive oil on cut sides of peaches. Grill peaches and poblano pepper till soft and charred, about 10 minutes. Remove from grill. Immediately place pepper in a plastic bag to sweat for 5 minutes. Cool peaches slightly. Remove skin from peaches. Remove pepper from plastic bag, the skin should come off easily now. Dice pepper and peaches.  Combine peaches, Poblano, garlic, tomatoes, onion, cilantro, and Serrano peppers. Stir gently. Zest lime. Add lime zest and juice, salt, and raspberries. Very gently, fold to combine. Serve with tortilla chips.

Healthy, Baked Chicken Nuggets

Servings: 4 • Serving Size: 1/4th of nuggets • Calories: 164.9 • Fat: 4.6 g • Protein: 22.1 g • Carb: 7.7 g • Fiber: 0.9 g Sugar: 0.1 g

You need:

  • 16 oz (2 large) skinless boneless chicken breasts, cut into even bit sized pieces
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 2 tsp olive oil
  • 6 tbsp whole wheat Italian seasoned breadcrumbs
  • 2 tbsp panko bread crumbs
  • 2 tbsp grated parmesan cheese
  • olive oil spray
Preheat oven to 425°. Spray a baking sheet with olive oil spray. Put the olive oil in one bowl and the breadcrumbs, panko and parmesan cheese in another. Season chicken with salt and pepper, then put in the bowl with the olive oil and mix well so the olive oil evenly coats all of the chicken. Put a few chunks of chicken at a time into the breadcrumb mixture to coat, then on the baking sheet. Lightly spray the top with olive oil spray then bake 8 - 10 minutes. Turn over then cook another 4 - 5 minutes or until cooked though.

 Hopefully, these recipes will become some of your new Sunday favorites-- I know I'll be making them again and again. This is my last week in Chicago and then heading home back to Phoenix, so hopefully blogging will be back to its regularly scheduled programming soon. Bear with me, folks. 


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

WTF Wednesday: The Problem with Mutual Friends Who Hook up

Friends should let mutual friends hook up with each other.

And here's the story of why. So, some time ago, Amy decided to hook up her friend--we'll call her Penelope--with Amy and I's mutual friend--we'll call him Ted. While Amy thought this would be an adorable and long lasting match, it didn't really turn out the way, mainly because Ted is a.) blind, b.) dumb and c.) an asshole.

The reason I'm writing about this now is because Amy and I got together with Penelope over the weekend and the entire truth came out. Well, not the entire truth because Penelope is a classy lady, but as much of the truth as Amy and I could badger out of her over dinner and 4 bottles of champagne. 

Let's rewind a moment. Amy had hooked up Ted and Penelope a while back, and when she asked Ted what the outcome of the night was after Amy left them at the bar together, he claimed that he went home right after. Needless to say, he actually ended up staying all night with Penelope AND taking her to breakfast the next morning, which Penelope recounted to Amy later the next day.

Friend hook up foul #1: Lying to your mutual friend about the occurrences of the night without planning a back story with the other party involved in your lie.

Anyways, fast forward again to this past weekend when Amy and I finally dug into Penelope about what really happened that night. Not that its any of our business, but we figured there must be juicy details if Ted was lying to us about the entire situation.
So, we poked and prodded and grilled Penelope until she gave us some vague details, claiming she was "too drunk" to recall all of the details

Friend hook up foul #2: Being "too drunk" is not an excuse to "not remember" details.

So, here's the time line of events according to Penelope:

10pm: Amy leaves Penelope and Ted at the bar
10:30pm: Ted follows Penelope home
10:40pm: Ted asks Penelope, "So, you wanna make out?"
10:45pm: Make out ensues.
11:00pm-7:00am: Penelope's memory suddenly blanks for MANY HOURS, nudity may have been involved
7:15am: Ted examines the view from Penelope's window and exclaims, "I could get use to this."
7:30am: Ted and Penelope enjoy an episode of Friends. Ted becomes famished.
8:00am: Penelope and Ted arrive at a diner for breakfast. She has an omelet, he has pancakes- no mousse.
9:00am: Penelope walks Ted to his car and he hugs her goodbye. He does not ask for her phone number.

There are a lot of things wrong here. First of all, Ted has been using the same line since junior high when he was romancing me and all of my other friends as well. Obvious "Wanna make out?" is working for him, although I have absolutely no idea how or why that works on adult women. Good for him if it does though...who would think something so innocent and simple could lead to so much more for Ted?

The biggest issue here is...Ted DID NOT ask for Penelope's phone number after staying the night at her place AND knowing that there is a mutual friend involved. Clearly, this angered Penelope, as it would me as well, because Ted knew DAMN WELL they would likely be seeing each other again.

Here's a message to all the men out there: 99.9% of women do not go into a hook up the first night they meet a guy with the idea that it is going to be a one night stand. They just don't. Women have delusions of weddings and romance and wining and dining with a man they're bringing home. Women are emotional creatures, full of imagination and hopes and dreams, while men are thinking about the booty and nothing else. So, MAYBE if Ted had stopped to think about the awkward repercussions of his actions here and Penelope has stopped to think about her delusions of dating Ted long term, we wouldn't be here in this awkward mutual friend situation

Friend hook up foul #3: Don't try to have a one night stand with a mutual friend's friend. It never turns out well for anyone.

I'm not putting the blame on Ted or Penelope, but clearly the intentions of the evening were misaligned which lead to Ted lying about it and Penelope fretting over it far longer than she should have. I totally sympathize with Penelope though, because long, long ago, I had a crush on Ted as well. He's a charming fellow, bad pick up line and all, and very handsome, so I don't blame her for her actions or for being hurt that he's a bag of douche who didn't bother to ask for her number.
What I can't understand is why either of them is being so shady about what actually happened that night. I feel like if you're in a group of friends and you're going to hook up...you should just own it. You don't obviously need to discuss the dirty deets (unless you're friends with Amy and I), but you shouldn't be ashamed of it.

We're all adults here. And we're all friends here. So, y'all had an awkward one night stand. I'm not judging, I'm just giggling because its always amusing to know two people have bumped uglies at one point or another. I never claimed to be a mature adult here, don't hate.

I'm fairly sure both Ted and Penelope may strangle me when they read this, which is why their names have been changed--- for my protection. I'm sure next time they decide to get together, I will certainly be getting absolutely zero details.

Friend hook up foul #4: Don't keep secrets from your friend who blogs...it just makes her more likely to write about it after all.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Seeking Celestial Guidance as I Approach My Quarter Life Crisis

Its not normal to talk to imaginary friends. I know that already.

So, I'm stuck in Chicago for another entire week because I believe my boss would like to make me incredible miserable. Right now, there is an absolutely terrifying thunderstorm going on, so naturally I was awoken from my sleep, and now blogging. 

I started having really vivid dreams the past few days, like I haven't had in awhile actually. I though maybe it was from all the booze I irresponsibly consumed over the holiday weekend, but its been 48 hours since my last drink and the dreams keep coming and keeping me up at night. As you may recall, I saw a psychic several weeks ago who predicted the trip to Chicago even before I knew it (and I was all, NOOO--I ain't neverrrr going to back there...alas...2 weeks later, I'm sitting here). She also told me about how the "guides" in the celestial world send me messages in my dreams because I'm too stubborn to acknowledge their signs in everyday life. She also suggested I start talking out loud to them because a.) they listen and b.) I'm not crazy enough on a regular basis so I should start talking to imaginary friends.

As my 25th birthday rapidly approaches, I get more and more anxious about the prospects of being an actual adult. This past weekend, Amy was talking about buying houses and having babies and it just totally freaked me out. How the hell did we get this old so fast? There is no doubt that I've done a ton of growing up in the past year, but seriously, 25? I remember being 16 and thinking 25 was basically old as dirt. Now, I am old as dirt and 16 year old's still think that.

The point is, I'm freaking out, so I took up my psychic's advise and have been talking to my guides...or rather, talking AT my guides. The first think I asked of them was shortly after I saw the psychic. I asked them to send me three true friends...and here I am, sitting in Chicago, in the presence of some of the greatest friends I have on earth.

So, yesterday, I was driving to work and having a nice chatty with my guides, thanking them for reminding me of all the true friends I already have in my life and cursing them for forcing me into a 3 week hiatus from life in sunny Phoenix. As I was chatting to them about this and that, telling them to keep the ladies away from Brandon in my absence and to remove the fat from ass and so on, the question of WHY certainly people stay in your life popped in my head. I can't explain why, but I got to thinking about it. I mean, I know why my good friends have stayed in my life long term---because I love them and we gots some deep roots, but why do some people you think will be in your life forever disappear for good, while others who should've been long gone stick around no matter what.

I can list a bazillion people who left my life who I figured would stick around forever, but two people in particular who have stayed in my life surprisingly are the ones I'll talk about here, since they both fairly recently resurfaced.

First, my sorority sister, Victoria, who wrote a guest blog a few weeks ago. Obviously, she is wonderful and charming and I am ever so pleased she continues to be a part of my life. However, if you would've asked me in 2010 to list the top 10 people I'd be keeping in touch with in college, Victoria maybe wasn't one of them. Don't get me wrong. The girl was sassy and smart and beautiful from the start, but being two years younger than I and transferring schools mid-sorority career, I had low hopes that we would stay in touch. 

And we didn't for the first year after I graduated, but then there was Katie's wedding in Buffalo, where we decided to split a hotel room with our mutually amazing sorority sister, Schoebie. This wedding weekend sort of brought us back together and back to talk on the reg. This blog is also a good catalyst for our relationship since I think she was my very first fan. Anyways, the point is, I was closer to a dozen or more girls in college that I rarely speak to now, yet Victoria, who I was never particularly close, is now someone I treasure talking with all the time. 

She reminds me so much of myself a few years ago, its just scary. And maybe that's our guides working together to create a mutually beneficial situation for us. I can't chalk it up to anything else but fate.

My second questionable person is my friend, Kyle. Him and I have been "friends" since I was about 15 years old. He was a major jock at a rival high school, so of course I was all over him to be my boyfriend. That never panned out but him and I shared a romantic interest in each other, of sorts, throughout my years in college and even in the year or so after I graduated college. However, he's actually kind of a total jerk. He promised to take me to his homecoming sophomore year, and cancelled the week before. He refused to buy me breakfast after a long night out drinking together even though it was pretty status quo. He wanders in and out of my life at his convenience.We fight like crazy, he says mean things, I say mean things, I ignore him for months, he just keeps coming back for more. 

Its been quite awhile since we talked, but I recently saw on Facebook that he was very sick in the hospital after complications of a case of appendicitis. So, of course, I texted him to check on him and wish him well. And so it goes---now he's back to texting me constantly. 

I don't know. Its not like he's looking for booty all the time because this has gone regardless of my geographic locations, which, as we know, changes pretty frequently. He is the type of person I tried to leave behind in high school and yet, here it is, a full decade later and he's still poking around in my life.

Why do some people you love leave your life and others who you barely give two shits about stay forever? There's got to be some explanation for this. So, Guides, if you're out there tonight, please let me know what the purpose of this all is...what is the frickin' meaning of these people coming and going in my life. Turning 25 is stressful enough-- I think I have the right to know who's coming and going so I can prepare myself.

Alright, storm is over. Rant is over. I'm off to bed. 

We'll be back with regularly scheduled WTF Wednesday tomorrow...and it sure is a good one.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Manic Mondays: The Power of Craigslist...Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend

Do you know how powerful a firm grip of using Craigslist can be? Especially when it comings to "helping" your ex-boyfriend...I do.

I know I've been MIA this week, so kill me. It was a holiday weekend and I'm in my hometown so CLEARLY I am out running around with my old high school friends on our old suburban stomping grounds. This weekend was extremely amusing to say the least and I certainly got some GREAT material for a few upcoming blogs. I also spent time up in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, out on my boat, getting my tan on and motorboatin' round the lake with my family. Anyways, pinky promises that I will pull myself together this week and blog like I've never blogged before. Even though I'm exhausted right now, I wanted to share with you a recent tale from a psycho ex girlfriend before I pass out tonight.

So, I will be the first to admit that I love Craigslist. I really do. I like to sell jewelry my ex's have given to me at absurdly low prices on there. I like to read the missed connections and see if there are any about me. I like to occasionally check out the dating section because its actually hilarious and basically the best way to waste four hours of your life. Anyways, Craigslist serves many different purposes for many different people, whether its a sexy massage or adopting a pet or buying a used car. Its incredibly shady, but so am I, so whatever, I embrace it.

Recently, I was rather drunk after happy hour and browsing Craigslist for Pomeranian puppies to adopt (like I can even remember to feed myself regularly???). In the pets sections of Craigslist, there are an obscene amount of HUGE...like take up an entire wall....HUGE fish tanks for sale for obscenely high prices. This immediately reminded me of a certain ex boyfriend I had with a huge fish tank himself. I thought it was hideous and constantly encouraged him to ditch the fish because it lit up his entire bedroom...and I need complete darkness to sleep. Selfish, yes? Not the point.

So, because I was drunk and forever bitter over any break up really, I decided to help him get a head start on that fish tank for sale. Now, I don't really even know if he has the fish OR the fish tank any more because we dated a while ago...but I felt this was a superior and helpful idea. So, I posted this ad on his behalf...

He doesn't need money, so I decided to make it free to a good home. Just added his phone number right in there at the bottom so all the weirdos who want a huge, obtrusive fish tank for the low, low cost of nothing can get in touch with him right away. Apparently fish tanks are super expensive so this is really a great deal and I knew he would expect a ton of calls.

I actually do not speak with him any longer, so I have no way to confirm how many calls about the fish tank he actually received...and that makes me pretty sad. However, several years ago, I offered up a free bird cage on Craigslist (that use to belong to a Craigslist-Illiterate friend of mine) and I got approximately 70 calls about the stupid free cage in the first 24 hours, and randomly calls for weeks and weeks on end after that. I hope that his experience was much like mine.

I really am just so happy that I could assist him, even post break up, with this ridiculous fish tank. I know he's out there, wondering who took such fabulous initiative to get him on the ball with getting this tank out the door. I feel like this was the modern day act of writing on a biker bar's bathroom stall, "Call ***** for a good time".

Moral of the story: Don't get drunk and get on Craigslist. Nothing good ever comes of it. I have a few other stories about when drinking and Craigslist led to future insanity, but I'll save those for another day. Until then, let me know if you're interested in a huge fish tank...I know who has one. You may need to be pretty persuasive, since the first hundred or so inquiries left him dazed and confused, but seriously, I think he could probably use at least one more phone call about it. :)