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Monday, August 27, 2012

Manic Mondays: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend--- Thirst Quenching Revenge is SO Sweet.

Thirst Quenching Revenge is SO Sweet.

Its practically 10pm in Chicago and I'm just now getting around to blogging, which is very upsetting. Being in Chicago and going into the office has really thrown me off schedule and I do not appreciate it. That said, for the past 48 hours, Facebook has been eagerly alerting me that the guy I had the BIGGEST crush on in the 7th grade (he clearly had no idea I existed) got engaged. Its just cruel to remind me that I will now never marry him. This is almost as miserable as if Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys got married. Seriously. That caliber. 

Besides being off schedule and not having time to work out today and eating delicious but horrendously fattening Mexican food for dinner (in the company of my mother's fabulous friends, Ann and Leslie, who I love dearly), I had PLENTY of time to figure out what sort of tantalizing tale from the vault of the psycho ex girlfriend I could tell today.

This is one of my more creative ex girlfriend torture tactics. Its not really mean or bitter. Its just plain annoying, which makes it one of the greatest ex girlfriend ploys I have in my pocket. In the year after college, I spent time gallivanting around Chicago with several different guys I was dating. I had gotten out of yet another serious relationship with "Sports Agent Ex" and was cocktailing at a bar downtown, as well as working on a political campaign. Needless to say, I was certainly not going to bother trying to hold down two jobs and try to have a serious boyfriend, so I was flitting around and having fun.

The following winter, I finally locked down a full time job and my life was settling down. "Greek Ex" and I had been seeing each other since the mid summer and he was getting a bit antsy on the relationship front. I knew he was a huge jerk. I mean, serious douche bag status, but I went along with it anyways because I make poor and destructive decisions constantly, even knowing they'll end terribly.

Anyways, we dated, blah blah blah, he was a jerk. While I was in London on business, he decided that he should post photos of himself making out with some girl on Facebook. I didn't really care that much because he was a horrible asshole anyways, but I did feel the need to get back at him for playin' me like the fool I was. 

When I returned from London, he was on vacation in New Jersey (people vacation there???) and I still had the key to his apartment. So, I went over there...and I stole all his beverages.

I'm talking everything in the fridge, all the liquor, all the soda, all the Muscle Milk, the powdered Lemonade mix, and even the Brita water filter. I loaded it up and tossed it.

Now, this seems miniscule, but can you imagine coming home from a long day of travel and coming home, hoping to grab a nice, cold, refreshing Diet Coke to quench your thirst after hustling all your luggage through the airport and back home with you....

....But there's nothing. Just nothing. Only luke warm tap water than smells of rotten eggs and always seems a bit brown tinted...

Here are the reactions I imagined:

I don't know where the idea came from. I do know that he was confused and extremely irritated, according to a friend of his. I never talked with him again because, hell, I didn't even really want to be in a "relationship" with him as it was. Needless to say, he didn't ever talk to me again either. Mission accomplished.

I really think the moral of this story is that revenge doesn't have to be mean or angry, just annoying, to be very, very successful.

Writing this blog has now given me a very dry mouth, so I think I'll head down and enjoy some fabulous purified ice water. I'll be chuckling all the way down over this disastrous tale from a psycho ex girlfriend, and I hope you are too.

Monday is over. Thank God.


  1. hahahahahahahahahaha i chuckled through OUT this blog

  2. this is not the funniest story you could have told regarding this ex. unless you already told the car keys story and I missed it...? regardless - hilarious!

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