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Saturday, August 11, 2012

Infamous Story Saturday: The Worst Date of My Entire Life

I might be slightly intoxicated, but this story must be told.

So, tonight, I went to happy hour with Connie, who is the Ex's friend, who we had gone to Vegas with last November, they got in a little tiff and then he axed her from his life and thereby, axed her from my life. Anyways, we recently got back in touch and had a really amazing time catching up tonight out at Sand Bar in Glendale (or maybe its Peoria, whatever). Sand Bar is located directly next to this restaurant, BJ's Brewery. This is the exact location of THE SINGLE WORST DATE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. When I pulled into Sand Bar, I legit had horrific flashbacks to this night, and therefore, I feel very pressed to spend my late Saturday night telling all of you about it.

Anyone who I tell this story to can't even believe this disaster. I can't even believe it happened myself. If you're single and dating like myself, you know that most dates aren't "bad". You go and grab a drink or a coffee, maybe even dinner and movie. You chit chat, you hug, you part ways. Its average, nothing special, nothing worth writing a blog about for sure. I go on heaps of these dates. There's nothing wrong with the guy--- he's just not anything special. No spark. No fireworks. Booooorrrrringgggg.

When I say that I went on the WORST date of my entire life, I am completely serious. Take everything you didn't like about every date you've been on in your entire life and it still couldn't add up to all of the horrible things that happened at BJ's back in April. 

So, I met this guy a while back. I can't actually remember how. Anyways, he was tall and had boyish good looks so after texting and chatting on the phone, I decided he was normal enough to go out with. He suggested dinner and drink on a Friday night, and I was down, because a.) none of my 6 friends in Phoenix were around, and b.) I like potentially free food--don't we all?

So, this guy suggests that I drive to his house and then we drive together since his place is about half way between my condo and BJ's. There is also a BJ's directly across from my condo complex, but he insisted on going to the one near by Westgate, which is where the hockey arena is, as well as many bars and restaurants. This didn't really surprise me because I already knew he was Coyotes FANATIC and loved hockey and such. Fine.

I generally don't like driving with a date, especially on a first date. You never know when someone could take a psychotic break from reality (see me: daily) and drive me into the desert and leave me there. Mostly, I just always like to be in control of the situation and able to safely get home without depending on some idiot to get me there.

So, I get all pretty and drive on over to his house. Real nice neighborhood, gated community. In my head, I'm like ALLLLRIGHT. He's already outside in his shitty honda civic, in which the glass is covered in that chalk paint you used in high school to decorate your friend's car windows for their birthdays. Its all hockey shit that I could care less about, but clearly, a bigger fan than I thought.

First observation, he's wearing a three piece suit with sneakers and a coyotes baseball cap. There are just so many things epically wrong with this picture. First off, we're going to BJ's. For those not on the west coast, BJ's is a deep dish pizza place that is one step up from TGI Friday's. NOT FANCY. I would put it in the $12-14 entree range. It sure isn't prom...and that's the last time I saw a guy wearing a three piece suit like this. Second, he's wearing sneakers and a baseball hat with it. Do I need to explain why this is not okay?

So, I'm like, "Nice house". He replies, "Oh, its my parent's house, I just live here." Um, okay. That was information you didn't disclose before. Alas, I felt I could move past that detail. We get in his car. He immediately put his hand on my thigh and demands I hold his hand. I'm officially creeped.

We get to the restaurant and there's a 15 minute wait. We head to the bar--- I order a delicious berry cider they make at BJ's, he orders a Strawberry Mojito.....mmhmmm. Table is ready, we bring our drinks to the table. Waitress walks up, he CHUGS his mojito and slams it on the table in front of her. 

Waitress: "Welcome to BJ's. I see y'all got started at the bar. How are the drinks?"

Guy: "This mojito was so weak. Really weak. I'll get a wedge salad. No more mojitos. What do you want? (stares at me)"

Me: (mortified by rudeness and trying to hide under the table) "No clue, just sat down, haven't opened the menu"

The waitress comes back, I order a side salad. In the mean time, Mr. Charming decides to order us a small pizza to share, without asking what I would like, if I would like to share or what I would like on my pizza. I GUESS WE'LL SHARE NOW.

Waitress comes back with his wedge salad.

Guy: "WHERE IS HER SALAD? WHY DIDN'T IT COME WITH MINE????" (unnecessarily angry)

Waitress: (explains how the food you order first comes out first)

Me: (becomes intensely interested in the Basketball game playing on TV, despite have NO previous interest in basketball)

Guy: "Aren't they suppose to cut up a salad for you? Why would they leave it in one piece?"

Me: "Do you know what a wedge salad is?"

He the proceeds to chop up the wedge salad, toss the salad with his BARE HANDS and eat like a farm animal. See below for exactly what my experience was.


As he did this and I become increasingly aware of my misery, he leans over and says, "Doesn't it make you sick to see an fairly attractive white girl and a black guy on a date?", in reference to a bi-racial couple sitting one table over from us. UMMMM, did you just make a racist comment on a first date??? SERIOUSLY? Is this real life?


So, I brush him off with a UM, FUCK YOUR RACIST COMMENT and pray the waitress comes back with my salad ASAP so I can order another beer. When she does, he asks if I REALLY need a second drink...

...WHY YES, SIR, I MOST CERTAINLY DO.

In the mean time, we've finished our barnyard salad feast and he is now trying to play footsie with me under the table and demanding I hold his hand. He stomps on my toe. My eyes are literally tearing up in pain.

I ask him about his love of hockey, since the Coyotes are in the playoffs. He goes on for awhile about how he started loving hockey last year and dropped out of ASU to attend community college where he could start playing hockey and eventually go pro. Is this a joke? It must be a joke.

This guy talks about hockey like its his god damn left leg. He loves it SO MUCH...and he just started playing last year? At this point, I'm ready for dinner to be done and to go home, any way I can. There will be no post dinner drinks.

He eventually gets around to asking me how I ended up in Phoenix. I give him the abbreviated sob story of how I moved here to be nearer to my ex and it didn't work out. He berates me for mentioning my ex boyfriend, as it is a "first date foul", until our pizza arrives.

I'm clearly uncomfortable, so I watch him eat his pizza with his hands while I eat like a normal human, with a fork and knife. I order a third beer to spite him.

When the waitress comes back, he whips out a credit card and hands it to her while ordering desert for us to share. How much ruder can you be to the poor waitress, seriously? Are we in a hurry? You can't wait for the check to come???

I watch him devour this cookie/ice cream thing. He is licking his fingers. I am all but vomiting and thinking about how I can get out of these after dinner drinks.

I am so smart. I say, "How about we just go back to your place and watch a movie?" Of course, he readily agree because he thinks this date is amazing and he's about to get booty.

Walking through the parking lot back to his car, he puts his hand directly on my ass, leans in and attempts to shove his tongue in my throat while simultaneously eating my face. Clearly the pizza did not fill him up at dinner. You might me able to guess my reaction.

  

Needless to say, he spent the entire car ride back telling me how I owed him because he spent $60 ENTIRE DOLLARS on dinner and I need to meet him half way by allowing him to fondle me in a parking lot like high schoolers. I even try to pay him the money for dinner. He continues to yell at me and telling me I'm a frigid biotch (direct quote). I sit silently and pray he doesn't run me off the road. The guy is practically in rage tears by the time we get back to my car. I open the car door and run to my car as soon as we pull in. I don't say goodbye. I'm not even sorry about that.

Two days later, I get a text from him saying, "Try it again next Friday???"



The End. 
Worst Date Ever. 

Don't even try to tell me I'm being cruel here because I'm not. I've never experience so many horrible things in a short period of time, but hey, that's what I'm working with here. Now we know while I'm terrified to even BEGIN dating again...because of guys like this. God help us all.



3 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    oh mylanta.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oooooooo woooww. I am so horrified. My favorite part is when you finish your "barnyard feast". Ugh.... Please tell me you carry mace on these types of dates?

    ReplyDelete