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Thursday, August 30, 2012

There's so much WTF in this week, it could be WTF Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, etc.

So, what you're saying is that its not Friday yet?

I know I missed WTF Wednesday...that's how much WTF has been in my week. I swear to God, I am so off schedule and out of element with this impromptu Chicago business/ cuddle my mom trip. First off, I'm still on Phoenix time which results in being up entirely too late and then being absolutely exhausted in the mornings. Since I actually have to get up, get dressed and drive to work (in my boss' borrowed car, no less, and I'm terrified of crashing it, fyi), I end up waking up a half hour earlier than I would to get up for work in Phoenix (with the time change, that is). For those of you who do not know, I start work at 5am in Phoenix so we're talking ass crack of dawn early for my poor, discombobulated body.

I also have a mother who wants to force feed me every single day. She's being really supportive of my little lifestyle change, but she isn't really good at supporting good food choices. Considering her main food groups are pasta, mashed potatoes and tomatoes, I suspect she's doing the best she can. She even tried to do cardio boxing with me tonight....bless her heart, she just doesn't look nearly as bad ass as I do when I do cardio boxing. 

Clearly what I look like doing Cardio Boxing

Probably what I actually look like
In addition to my mother aggressively pursuing all of my free time, I have been working late and not taking lunches all week, as I am overwhelmed with launching a new product line in two weeks. My tummy is all upset because I'm eating randomly and off schedule and I'm working out wayyyyy later than I need to be. The good news is I'm down nearly 3 pounds since last Friday, so obviously the stress is doin' my body good.

In other news, the dude in my life, Brandon, is still actively speaking with me. This is a plus. However, I will NEVER understand most dudes. Take this guy, David, who I'm friends with. He's basically all about me. We dated briefly and stayed friends, but seriously, he's told me he's still really into me despite a 1,300 mile gap. Anyways, he wanted to hang out this week and I said we should see Hit and Run, because a.) I want to see it b.) movies are pretty non-awkward no matter what c.) it's nice to see old friends. So, I texted him yesterday AND today. No reply. OKAY. I'm done. He reads my blog on the reg too so I hope he feels like a big ole asshole now.

So, this was my WTF Wednesday and Thursday. I'm all unhappy and ready to go back to Phoenix. Chicago is also cold. Unacceptable. I love my family and am looking forward to a weekend of trainwreck weddings, pinterest crafts and box wine with Amy, but fer realsies, this trip is messin' with my life. My life in Phoenix moves at a wayyy slower pace....just keeping up with the pace here is exhausting as hell.

I'm done whining now. Hopefully, the blog will return to its regularly scheduled hilarity once my life returns back to normal. Goodnight, bitches. Stay sane.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Manic Mondays: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend--- Thirst Quenching Revenge is SO Sweet.

Thirst Quenching Revenge is SO Sweet.

Its practically 10pm in Chicago and I'm just now getting around to blogging, which is very upsetting. Being in Chicago and going into the office has really thrown me off schedule and I do not appreciate it. That said, for the past 48 hours, Facebook has been eagerly alerting me that the guy I had the BIGGEST crush on in the 7th grade (he clearly had no idea I existed) got engaged. Its just cruel to remind me that I will now never marry him. This is almost as miserable as if Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys got married. Seriously. That caliber. 

Besides being off schedule and not having time to work out today and eating delicious but horrendously fattening Mexican food for dinner (in the company of my mother's fabulous friends, Ann and Leslie, who I love dearly), I had PLENTY of time to figure out what sort of tantalizing tale from the vault of the psycho ex girlfriend I could tell today.

This is one of my more creative ex girlfriend torture tactics. Its not really mean or bitter. Its just plain annoying, which makes it one of the greatest ex girlfriend ploys I have in my pocket. In the year after college, I spent time gallivanting around Chicago with several different guys I was dating. I had gotten out of yet another serious relationship with "Sports Agent Ex" and was cocktailing at a bar downtown, as well as working on a political campaign. Needless to say, I was certainly not going to bother trying to hold down two jobs and try to have a serious boyfriend, so I was flitting around and having fun.

The following winter, I finally locked down a full time job and my life was settling down. "Greek Ex" and I had been seeing each other since the mid summer and he was getting a bit antsy on the relationship front. I knew he was a huge jerk. I mean, serious douche bag status, but I went along with it anyways because I make poor and destructive decisions constantly, even knowing they'll end terribly.

Anyways, we dated, blah blah blah, he was a jerk. While I was in London on business, he decided that he should post photos of himself making out with some girl on Facebook. I didn't really care that much because he was a horrible asshole anyways, but I did feel the need to get back at him for playin' me like the fool I was. 

When I returned from London, he was on vacation in New Jersey (people vacation there???) and I still had the key to his apartment. So, I went over there...and I stole all his beverages.

I'm talking everything in the fridge, all the liquor, all the soda, all the Muscle Milk, the powdered Lemonade mix, and even the Brita water filter. I loaded it up and tossed it.

Now, this seems miniscule, but can you imagine coming home from a long day of travel and coming home, hoping to grab a nice, cold, refreshing Diet Coke to quench your thirst after hustling all your luggage through the airport and back home with you....

....But there's nothing. Just nothing. Only luke warm tap water than smells of rotten eggs and always seems a bit brown tinted...

Here are the reactions I imagined:

I don't know where the idea came from. I do know that he was confused and extremely irritated, according to a friend of his. I never talked with him again because, hell, I didn't even really want to be in a "relationship" with him as it was. Needless to say, he didn't ever talk to me again either. Mission accomplished.

I really think the moral of this story is that revenge doesn't have to be mean or angry, just annoying, to be very, very successful.

Writing this blog has now given me a very dry mouth, so I think I'll head down and enjoy some fabulous purified ice water. I'll be chuckling all the way down over this disastrous tale from a psycho ex girlfriend, and I hope you are too.

Monday is over. Thank God.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sunday Date Review: Guest Blogger, Victoria's date with a Hobbit

I wonder if his toes are hairy like a Hobbit too?

First off, you're going to start reading this and will quickly realize that this ain't good ol' Nikki. Yup, you're right. It's Victoria. I'm one of Nikki's sorority sisters and a HUGE fan of her blog. One of my favorite parts is how she tries to go on one date a week. I've since decided that I should do the same. Imitation is the best form of flattery, right? Well, tonight I went on a date and after it ended, immediately texted Nikki. She ever so graciously offered me a chance to be a guest, so here I am! Thanks bajillions Nikki, lovin' you to pieces! Here we go with my "guest appearance"!

To begin, I'm not a high roller online dater like Nikki, I don't want to pay for Match.com. Plus I've never really had too much of an issue with OKCupid. Also, I hate spending money. Oh, there's the Jew in me! Yeah, most of the guys are idiots, but it's fine. Sometimes they provide me with stellar pick up lines such as "Nice legs, when can I spread them?" Oh deary me.

Tonight I went on a date with Kevin Murphy. You'll note that I've decided not to change his name for privacy. This link is going to be posted on Facebook, and we're not friends. Let's talk about how frustrating that is for me. INCREDIBLY. If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge stalker. Well, it turns out there are about 493857294 Kevin Murphy's in this world. I also don't know where he went to school. I just know that he lives in Lynn, MA. I dare you to find him. And then pass on your findings to me. I'd love to stalk.

Anyways, the pre-date profile stalk. His profile showed an incredibly cute guy. His info said he was 5'5". As many of you know, I'm 5'8. Well, I'm actually 5' 7 3/4", if we really are going to talk specifics. I asked him how he felt about the whole height situation. Some guys are incredibly feminine and sensitive about height, which I cannot tolerate. I don't really care. I've been with guys shorter than me, and I never really cared or noticed. When I asked him about it he said, and I quote "It's so not a problem its not even funny. I dated a girl in college for three years who was 5'7. I'm short, and I've been short for a long time so I used it." Perfect, I thought to myself. Super cute guy, and height isn't an issue. WELL. In my head, a 3 inch height difference isn't a lot. Guess what? 3 inches is a lot more than I thought.  I don't know, the pictures made him look taller, even though I knew he wasn't. Zoinks. 

He looks taller right????
We met at this place in Salem, Ma (yeah, where the witches are, it's really not that cool), called The Willows. Well, it's really called The Willows Amusement Park, but it ain't no amusement park. There's a merry-go-round, and that's about it. There's a cute boardwalk where people fish, and an arcade. Also, multiple delicious ice cream establishments. We played some arcade games, in which he whupped my ass in every game. Not that he was great, mind you, I'm just horrible at all games. He did compliment me on my great hand-eye coordination in air hockey. I scored first. Just so we all know. We wandered along the coast, where I saw a side of Salem/the Northshore that I was sure definitely didn't exist. The view was breathtaking! 
We got ice cream, and I spilled everywhere. My hands, my legs, all over. Multiple times. Attractive, I know. At one point he accused me of being a hipster (EXCUSE ME?), because I wear Ray Ban style sunglasses like hipsters. And because I said I liked country music before it was popular. Anyway, it doesn't really sound like much, but that was the date. All in all, it was 2 hours, which is surprisingly long for not doing anything. We cashed in our tickets from the arcade, I got 2 Starbursts (I'm a winner), and he got a back scratcher. He walked me to my car, we hugged, he said we should do this again, and I left. Of course, I immediately called my best friend Jen to tell her all about it. 

Here are the facts:

1. He has the most beautiful eyes I've ever. Holy moly. I'm a sucker for beautiful eyes. I was worried there would be no spark, but those eyes were ballinnnn.
2. When he smiles, I imagine it's what other people feel like when I smile. It's delightful.
3. He told me he was nervous before the date. And when I asked him at the end he said he still was. SO cute.
4. He made me laugh multiple times with some good zingers.
5. He works 3 jobs. When can he buy me something? Besides the delicious ice cream and arcade games from earlier.

1. He's the height of a hobbit. I wonder if he has hairy feet. WHO'S GOING TO BE THE BIG SPOON?
2. He reminds me of a guy from freshman year, who is not the coolest. I don't really want to open that can of worms.
3. He smokes. Ironically he was wearing a wristband that said "Cancer Kills". I pointed that out. Apparently I'm the only person to have noticed. 
4. He works 3 jobs. He can't snuggle me a lot. 

Okay team, this is what happened. I don't know what to think. I need someone to tell me how to think and feel. I know he's REAL cute, but I don't know what I want. I know I won't be clingy. I got a dose of my own medicine when some other shmuck from OKCupid texted me 7 times before I got the chance to respond once. Now I get it. I'll stop harassing people I like. 

This now concludes my guest appearance on the wonderful Nikki's blog. Thanks Nikki! I love you to pieces, and can't wait for your next piece! I wish I could write a blog consistently but I have commitment issues. I could never do journals as a kid. Continuing on, thanks, Audience, for reading through my date, now I really need you to tell me what to do. I'm your clay, Reader. Mold me! 


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Wanna lock down the guy you're dating as a boyfriend? Bake THESE cookies. 100% Success Rate.


So, I didn't blog yesterday because I'm lazy and an asshole, etc. I wanted to do today as Kelsey's bridal shower inspiration but I didn't get my graphics put together in time, because, well I was having a heart to heart with Kelsey and now its too late, because I have a date with Brandon tonight AND have to do laundry AND I have to pack AND I have to get on an airplane to Chicago for two frickin' weeks tomorrow AND I laid at the pool the entire getting my tan on. Whatevs. 

Anyways, since tonight is the last night I see Brandon for 2 weeks, I'm trying to keep my memory vivid and alive in his mind...so I baked him an ass ton of cookies. 


So, these are my famous Funfetti Cake Batter cookies. They aren't healthy, but they are easy to make and so god damn delicious that I ate one to "taste test" my batch and had to walk away from the tray before I ate the entire thing Cookie Monster Style. 

In any event, if you've ever needed to impress your significant others OR impress coworkers OR fix a broken heart with warm cookies, these are the cookies you need to bake. Without further a do, here we go!

You Need:

1 box vanilla cake mix
1 tsp baking powder
2 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup color sprinkles
1/4 cup chocolate chips (the mini one work best, but hey, chocolate is chocolate)

Preheat oven to 350°. In a large bowl, mix together the cake mix and baking powder. In a small bowl, mix together the eggs, oil and vanilla. Add the egg mixture to the cake mixture and stir to combine. Stir in the sprinkles. Drop by spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet.

Bake for 9-11 minutes. Allow to cool for 5 minutes on cookie sheet before transferring to cooling rack. They will be very soft at first....which is the best time to shove them all in your mouth, in my opinion. Last, open all the windows in your house to share the intoxicating scent of fresh baked cookies with your now very jealous neighbors.
This is my favorite combo, but there are literally dozens of combinations of cake mix flavors and stuff you can put in them. I do not suggest using actual Funfetti cake mix or angel food cake mix of any sort, because the flavor is a bit lacking and the Funfetti is not nearly as pretty as adding sprinkles in. One of my other favorite combinations is red velvet with white chocolate chunks and black sprinkles. They come out looking amazing and the taste is incredibly rich and amazing.

Perhaps Brandon will let us know how he feels about these bad boys later tonight.

By the way, I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow for 2 weeks of "business" (aka lounging around my mother's house in yoga pants and crafting wedding shit off Pinterest with Amy), so my very, very dear sorority sister, Victoria, will be guest blogging tomorrow with a review of her Hobbit-like OkCupid date from yesterday. 


Thursday, August 23, 2012

"Single Girl on the Go" Recipe of the Week: Grilled Mushroom and Ricotta Pizza

This post is incredibly late because I had a "Single Girl on the Go" kind of day. First of, I was g-d damn swamppppppeddddddd at work today. This is annoying because a.) it cuts into my personal time to blog, b.) I was frustrated more hours than are good for my health, and c.) my boss asked me if I could fly into the head office in Chicago for the next two weeks, which is slightly upsetting for me.

Anyways, we're launching a new line of business at my company and I need to be in-house to help organize this shiz. I get that. However, I'm really mostly irritated because I have spent eight months building a life in Phoenix and every time I go back to the Chi, I feel like I take 10 steps back from the life I built for myself. I feel guilty for leaving again, for getting to work from home, for not being at home helping my mom out. ARGH.

Most of all, as we all have read, I recently started seeing Brandon, who I happen to really enjoy the company of. More than once, I have started dating someone great and then I go away on business for a couple weeks, and they legit disappear off the face of the earth and I never hear from them again. Some might argue that this is a good thing, and they weren't worth it anyways, but its still incredible obnoxious. I just don't get it. So, clearly, I'm terrified that the first guy I've liked in MONTHS, is gonna get swooped up. We're suppose to go out Saturday night before I leave Sunday, so I plan to bake cookies and hopefully keep myself on his mind while I go ape shit on my new co-workers in Chicago. 

Anyways, in addition to having a long day at work, I had to work out, run errands and get a massage (ROUGH LIFE, HUH?). When I got home, I was frickin' starved and looking for something quick to shove in my mouth. I've been craving pizza for a week, since every chance she gets, my friend, Tiffany, asks me about pizza and puts the thought in my head. No joke. So, I decided to whip up and delicious, healthy alternative to the cheesy deep dish delight I wish I could shove in my mouth.

Grilled Mushroom and Ricotta Pizza 

You need:
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil plus an additional 1 tablespoon for grilling and drizzling
  • 2 cups slices mushrooms
  • 1 12-ounce round prepared whole-wheat pizza crust (I recommend Bobili's)
  • 1 clove garlic, thinly sliced
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
  • 1/2 cup low-fat ricotta
  • 1/4 cup fresh basil leaves
First, in a large bowl, toss the mushrooms and 1 tablespoon oil. Sauteed the mushrooms in a pan for approximately 5-7 minutes in a pan. Make sure you stir them, or they burn like hell and taste like hell.

Next, yank the prepared whole wheat pizza crust out of the packaging and place on a cookie sheet. Top dough with the mushrooms, garlic and oregano. Drop dollops of the ricotta over the pizza. Drizzle with oil and season with salt and pepper.

Next, slide pizza onto the heated side of grill. Close the cover and cook until the underside of pizza is crisp and golden, 2 to 4 minutes. Slide pizza to unheated side of grill. Close cover and cook 3 to 5 minutes, until the ricotta is melted and vegetables are tender.

If you're lazy like me and don't want to walk a half a block and three flights of stairs to the community grills, then you can shove this bad boy into the oven on 350 degrees for 20-23 minutes. Comes out just as taste for sure.

Cut this into 8 slices. Serving size is 2 pieces...and you'll be pissed you can't eat the entire thing, alas the 2 pieces are only about 270 calories total, so if you eat the entire thing...its still better than eating a large order of french fries.

If you don't have ALL of the ingredients, that's okay too. You can also top this pizza with other veggies like spinach, red peppers, carrots or asparagus. The pizza reheats really well, not soggy at all, so save some for lunch the next day.

Bon Appetit!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

WTF Wednesdays: Match.com Mixers are just as awkward as you think they would be

Have you seen the "Stir" events by Match.com Commercials?

They're full of model looking beautiful people standing in swanky lounges with expensive looking, colorful cocktails in hand. They're all having a grand time and meeting the loves of their lives.

Let me tell you...an actual Stir singles mixer is nothing like this. Last night, my friends, Lacie and Tammy, and myself attended this ridiculous Match.com singles mixer. It was mainly for my entertainment and for the sake of new material for this blog. Honestly, we had a great time, but that's likely because there was a whole lotta wine involved, but hey, I would go again. It is a fun group of young people....for the most part.

There were a few things that just made this event ridiculous and hilarious. First of all, Match.com chose The Mint as a venue which is a very swanky lounge in Scottsdale where you need to dress to impress. However, they also had a political event going on inside for the first hour of the Match.com happy hour, so we were banished outside to the "VIP" area. Sure.

August in Scottsdale at 7pm is about 104 degrees. We arrived a few minutes late but in time to watch most of the attendees arrive. Of course, we headed straight to the bar. THEY HAD NO HAPPY HOUR SPECIALS. Kind of rude if you ask me. So, we stood around drinking $10 glasses of mediocre white wine and sweating profusely. WAY TO BE A BUZZ KILL, MATCH.COM.

So, let's talk about the people. We had a prime spot at a high top table right in between the bar and the entrance so we could look at everyone. For the most part, it was a bunch of average to good looking young people. I would say the girls were all fairly attractive and nicely dressed. They weren't super models or anything, but they looked nice. There were a couple of women who were severely under dressed and had horrible black roots spewing from their bleach blonde hair....that's akwardddd.

As for the men. Sigh. There were some good looking, normal looking dudes...but there were also some absolute weirdos and total douchebags. Some of my favorites include:

1.) A guy dressed as a cowboy
2.) A guy wearing hightops with his straight leg jeans tucked in
3.) A guy wearing a wife beater and standing on the edge smoking cigarettes
4.) Two guys with very heavy Russian accents who could not be understood to save my life
5.) A guy who lives in my apartment complex who was wearing a bedazzled white button up,

Although there were quite a few awkward creepers hanging around the edges of the event, I would say there was a solid 40-50 singles to mingle with. It kind of reminded me of a junior high dance...all the cool kids dancing, with all the losers and geeks as wall flowers. Eventually, we settled in to talking with a few guys when the heavens opened up and poured down on us. So, here we are, half drunk, laughing our asses off, soaking wet. At this point, we all scattered to get out of the rain.

I'm talking with this guy, Gabe. He's really cool, manages a shoe store in Mesa, overall nice guy. We're chatting away and he's all "you look very familiar, did you use to have an OkCupid profile?". Turns out him and I had talked a while back....clearly an awesome connection we had since I didn't even remember him. Anyways, I could totally see him as a good guy friend, so we kept chatting. Soon enough he's like "Yo, let me get your number". I was very flattered (although my mind is currently occupied with someone else) until he said, "Oh yeah, my match.com membership expires tomorrow so next time there's a singles mixer, you can let me know."

He doesn't think I'm cute. Doesn't want to ask me on a date...just wants to go to more Match.com events. AWESOME. What a friggin' charmer right? Anyways, I was highly embarrassed.

Tammy is stuck talking to this creeper with a tucked in shirt who followed her around in the rain for a good 15 minutes before she finally ditched him when we crowded inside. Lacie didn't have as much luck as Tammy. The dude with the high tops mentioned above was alllllllll over her. We tried invading their conversation. We tried walking away...he followed closely. We tried sitting at a table with three chairs. We tried huddling all together very closely. But no, he was still right there, up in Lacie's grill. In a a last ditch effort, we went to the bathrooms. 

At the Mint, the bathrooms are co-ed. You guessed it. HE FOLLOWED US RIGHT IN. We basically collapsed in laugh when he waltz in. At that point, he finally realized how uninterested Lacie was and peaced out rather quickly. THANK GOD.

The best part of the entire night happened right before we left. Lacie and I are standing at the bar, paying out tabs. The Mint has all but cleared out for the night, when there's a commotion right next to us. This girl with really hideous, tacky shoes and a very, very tight dress starts screaming, "YOU GRABBED MY ASS, NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY MY TAB!!!!", over and over again. Apparently when she butted her large rear end into the bar area, a guy "grabbed her ass" or brushed against her. She freaks out, starts grabbing his face, screaming, "LOOK AT ME! YOU DISRESPECT ME, NOW YOU PAY MY TAB!!!".

The bouncers dragged her out right as Lacie started talking mad shit at this classy broad. I, of course, am practically peeing myself, laughing so hard. Is this even real life?

I can't even believe I went to a Match.com Stir event, better yet that it was actually a really frickin' fun night out. I guess expanding my horizons is a good thing, even if I have eyes for someone else. Don't be fooled...Match.com Stir events are certainly not what the commercials promise but they are a whole lotta something else. Highly recommended if you enjoy being judgmental and have zero expectations of meeting someone to love for the rest of your life.

Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

So, I went to see a World Famous Psychic.

...And all I got was this hour long recording of her laying out my deepest insecurities and destructive behaviors.

That actually sounds far more abysmal than the reading actually was. In reality, it was eerily accurate and shockingly honest. It was absolutely worth every penny I paid to go see Joan, who is a full time psychic guide out in Glendale, Arizona. She also does phone readings, if anyone is interested.

Anyways, I showed up at her house, which is delightfully tacky, decorated with lots of little figures and crystals and such. It wasn't like hoarders status but it was cute...exactly what I figured a psychic's house might look like.

Now, this lady is not the Miss Cleo type. You have to make these appointment wayyyy in advance because she's generally always booked solid, and I absolutely see why. She isn't so much a psychic as she is a guide translator. She explained to me that guides are essentially guardian angels-- the little voice in the back of your head that says "this is a really bad idea" and help to shape your life by sending messages to you. If you don't listen, the messages get stronger, pop up in dreams or nightmares, etc. until you listen to them. Interesting concept, I suppose.

So, she started out asking me how long ago I moved to Phoenix, although I gave her no indication that I was not from the area. She knew I moved here for a guy and that my whole life was basically up in the air currently. Odd that she'd mention it, but all very true. My reading was actually a ton more intense and personal than I thought it would be. I was planning to post the entire thing here, but there was a lot of person things said I don't really want to share here, so I cut my 5 favorite clips from the reading out for you. Some are funny, some are emotional, some just interesting. Either way, I wanted to share.

Her thoughts on my fertility. 

Yep....I'm real fertile. OH AWESOME, JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED. I actually hate kids...let me tell you how absolutely diligent I'm going to be on this front, not that I wasn't before. CERTAINLY NEVER TAKING CHANCES. NO KIDS. NONE.

Listen to me have an emotional break down.

This is hard to listen to, even for the third or fourth time I've listened to it. She hits it spot on. This is also essentially like 2 minutes into the reading, she starts on this topic. She knew why I came and what I wanted to know. Like I said, its not an easy minute to hear.

Her thoughts on the Ex and his "Deformities".

This just makes me laugh when I hear it. How fricking ridiculous. The Ex was so incapable of normality that she thinks he's practically deformed. AWESOME. Clearly, the anger bitch inside of me gets a really big kick out of her celestrial roast of the Ex. At some point after this, she also implies he has erectile dysfunction or will soon--- I enjoyed that immensely.

The Guides' opinions on my heartbreak.

 Even if you don't believe in Psychics or Guides, you gotta admit the lady has some real insight into the events here. She nailed it. You want to know why I write a blog? Its because I was anger as hell and had to get rid of it some how. I hate how accurate this assessment is. It just feels shitty.

Predictions on the men in my near future.

I think I know who both of these men are already. We'll see if I'm right. I take this with a grain of salt, but hey, it sounds like I have some great people coming into my life soon...and eventually a husband. That's all I can ask for right now. Playin' it cool.

Anyways, you don't have to believe in guides or psychics to realize that this was a really cool experience. I don't care what her intuition comes from, all I know is that its super accurate. I can't explain it either way. I'm not sure that this gave me peace of mind or if it just re-enforced all the things I pretty much knew were buried deep down inside. So, I'm happy with all of this. I don't know what I'm doing with this information, likely nothing, but hey, I'll take all the advice I can get.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Manic Mondays: Tales from a Psycho Ex Girlfriend---Don't sleep with my ex, or you will be miserable.

There's even some stories I'm not proud to tell...

Its true. There are stories in the vault of the Psycho Ex Girlfriend that I'm ashamed I ever participated in. They are so immature and cruel that I don't even want to re-tell them, but this story is being told because, well, as cruel and horrible as it is, its still a little bit hilarious. Most people who read my blog know the great circumstances that lead up to this culminating event, but they're not important because they were pretty much all equally as immature but not nearly as hilarious. Anyways, I also feel a bit bad because eventually the ex in this story and I worked out our shit and became really close friends...but it took years. I'm sure he won't appreciate the internet reading this tale, because, unlike me, is intensely private and closed off from public society. OH WELL. 

Background Information Critical to Understanding

So, circa early 2009, the love of my life and I broke out. I was stupid. I was scared. And I had no idea what to do with myself, other than push everyone who loved me out of my life, including him. I need to explain that this guy, who will now be known as College Ex, saved me. I had a super mean, super crazy boyfriend in high school who treated me like the purest of shit. College Ex and I met in the first class of the first year of college and were together from that point on. We were best friends and he was so damn nice. I slowly let my guard down and we had frickin' amazing times together. It helps that he had an Adonis body and was basically the hottest guy in the freshman class....perhaps these are only my opinions, but hey, it counts for something.

Anyways, when we broke up, we had 100% mutual friends and were living together. I really picked a superb time to break up with him, huh? Shortly after that, I realized I had made a horrendous mistake and wanted him back. He said no, which caused me to become intensely angered and started WWIII on campus. I was really in quite a state of mind. Warpath of destruction. Tornado of horrors. I spent the next 5 months going through the most hellish public break up ever.

The Incident

Some months later, circa Spring 2009, I found out one of my sorority sisters had slept with College Ex. I was still making College Ex's life miserable every chance I got. Very, very few girls were willing to go after him with me trailing their coattails. What also was going on the Spring of 2009 was that College Ex and I were working on getting back together....

....Needless to say, when I found out my sorority sister had slept with College Ex while knowing that we were working on things....I flipped a shit. Actually, I was quite calm in the moment. I will never forget when I got the text message from Steph, telling me about it. I was getting a pedicure at Tenley Nails and wearing a neon green tube top dress made out of whatever towels are made out of. I remember these details so vividly because I could actually feel my blood boiling inside my body...I just needed to wait for the right moment to release it.

I'm a proud human, but I am certainly not a calm being. I generally blow a gasket at least once a week, when my stress level boils over. In this case, it took two weeks for me to finally verbalize the absolute disgust I had for this woman and College Ex. In the meantime, College Ex was running about making out with every willing sorority girl he could while I was hibernating and stewing in my anger.

When the blood boils over

We were now in finals week and I was socializing in the library per usual. I never got any work done there. Sitting at a big long table of a mix of girls from various sorority girls, my sorority sister who had the audacity to sleep with College Ex had the BALLS to sit at the end of the table, just across from me. Something inside me snapped.

I ignored her, obviously, and began talking to another girl from a different sorority who's little sister had recently hooked up with College Ex. I kind of chatted about what a piece of shit he was before I slipped in "Well, he has herpes anyways so I really dodged a bullet there, right? HAHAHAHAHA". 

Then I packed up my stuff and left, leaving Ms. Sorority Homewrecker writhing uncomfortably at the table and darting her eyes around the room, waiting for someone to discount my statement. No one did.

 The Aftermath

I only feel bad because I feel like maybe a few other people may have heard my declaration and spread the rumor a little farther. He doesn't have herpes....and herpes isn't really a joking matter.

I never forgave the girl who slept with him. I hold her responsible because she was suppose to be my friend and bragged about all this to my actual friends before I actually found out. That doesn't say regret.

College Ex has since apologized for the incident, but I'm fairly certain he has no idea that I told an large group of sorority girls that he had herpes.

In retrospect, it was wrong of me to do it. I know that. Blah, blah, hate mail me if you want, blah blah. I learned my lesson and shit worked itself out. Karma has certainly bitten me in the ass plenty of time since for spreading rumors and acting like one crazy bitch.

Lesson learned. Being a crazy bitch doesn't make you feel better or make the pain go away. Just causes more pain.

Wow, this was a lot more serious than I intended. I'll be back with something fart more hilarious tomorrow.

p.s. Guess who asked me to play pool tonight? Hint: I'm excited :)

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sunday Date Review: The Opposite of the WORST DATE EVER

So, I've been a very naughty blogger this weekend...and didn't post at all. SORRY.

Here's a quick recap of the weekend:

Saturday morning, I went to see the world famous psychic. That was creepily accurate and oddly emotional for me. I was planning on posting the entire recording of it on here for those who want to listen to my reading for an entire hour (aka NO ONE), but instead I figured I'd post the five best things the psychic told me in a special edition blog tomorrow, in addition to Manic Mondays: Tales of a Psycho Ex-Girlfriend. The psychic was actually a pretty frickin' cool lady and it was def worth the 80 dollars. More on that tomorrow.

Saturday night, I went to Connie's for a pool party. Mucho fun-- I adore her. I spent all day Sunday at the pool tanning and then had my weekly date night....yes, friends, I managed to squeeze it in, even thought I certainly didn't think it would happen this week.

If you read on Friday, I mentioned my obsession with the internet dating profile for this guy, Brandon, who gave me the "spark" I've been missing since February. We'd be texting non stop for 48 hours because he succumbed to my womanly charm and asked me for dinner and drinks Sunday evening at this nice little joint in Scottsdale, OHSO Brewery.

Needless to say, he's just as hot as his photos suggested and just as charming as he was by email and text. He was a perfect gentleman. The conversations didn't stop for 4 hours straight. We had some drinks, great food and I got to stare at his muscley biceps from across the table. Ain't nothing wrong with that.


Anyways, I thought he was really great. Like, boyfriend material great, thus far. He also thinks my blog is pretty amusing, so I suspect he'll be reading this shortly.

So, let's recap. Hot, Gentleman, Smart, Witty, Funny, Good Career, Ambitious, Lives in Scottsdale....are we sure this is an actual man that exists? Well, friends, it is. I'm going to go ahead and call dibs on him now.

He already locked me down for a second date next Saturday. This is pretty much as well as I could've asked this date to go. I'll still have to test out his skillz with a wedge salad (see: THE WORSE DATE EVER).

We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. I think I'll go smile a bit more now.

Friday, August 17, 2012


Its Friday night...I hope you're out having a martini.

Unlike me, who is home and cooking up some delicious recipes for next week. I'm pretty much exhausted from this week and irritated that I'm not going to make my one date quota this week. However, several great things happened this week/ are going to happen still this weekend:

1.) My friend has awakened her sexual prowess recently by reading 50 Shades of Gray and other such romantic novels. I think this is great. She reads the blog, and I'll bet she's pretty excited for this blog shout out.

2.) I got my first pair of real cowboy boots. I recently got into country music, so this is now a necessity for the multitude of country music festivals I'll be attending in the near future.

3.) I've officially lost  25 pounds since I started trying. I'm proud of that.

4.) I'm going to see a world famous psychic tomorrow. That should be, if nothing else, amusing. We can all use some celestial guidance.

5.) I paid all my bills, so I'm freeeeeeee until the end of the month. Its almost like I'm a real adult.

And last, I had an "I'm movin' on" epiphany. I stumbled across this guy's dating profile yesterday night and immediately I felt butterflies. Not just like, "wow, he's good looking", but just a really odd spark that I haven't felt in a long time. 

If you've been reading my blog or talk to me regularly, you know that I'm not 100% over my Ex and participate in ridiculous, immature charades to both annoy him and get over him in some bizarre way. Karma bit me in ass and I'm still paying for it. So, during my adventures in dating, I always have these "good" dates with "nice guys"....except in the case of the worst date ever.

As we have always said in sorority recruitment, "good" and "nice" are what you say about people you have nothing else to say about. It means incredibly mediocre...and that's certainly not what I'm looking for in a potential boyfriend/husband/soulmate.

Anyways, it sounds totally stupid, since I haven't even met the guy in real life, but there's a spark. We spent last night sending novels back and forth. He even has good grammar! Today, we spent the day texting and agreed to grab a drink early next week. 

The point of this story isn't about the guy (although he is really hot and super funny), but its more about me finally feeling a connection to someone...ANYONE. I haven't felt ANYTHING about ANYONE since my Ex...and now finally, a little, tiny spark somewhere way down deep. 

Who the heck knows if it'll work out with this guy or if we'll even get past a first date. But I'm going to try like hell to nurture that tiny spark the best I can, for sure. If anything, I'm pursuing this for myself, because I really need to get my head back in the dating game.

I hope y'all have an amazing weekend and I'll be back tomorrow with some feedback from this psychic. Anyone have special requests?


Thursday, August 16, 2012

What's better than art on your walls?

Answer: Mosaic art made from your favorite beer bottle caps

I very much encourage all of my friend's creative ventures, especially if it means making them a few extra bucks. I have stood by and helped my friends make art out of crayons and a hair dryer based on something that looked awesome on Pinterest. I have helped my friends make countless holiday cookies in multiple adorable ways. I have joined in on the occasional pottery painting session at As You Wish. And tonight, I bring you my latest investment in one of my friend's creative ventures.

One of my very dear friends, Brooks, from college recently started his own Etsy business called Capital Bottle Caps. Because I'm an incredible friend with a large, giving heart, I took him up on the offer for one of his custom mosaics made with my absolute favorite bottle caps.

Here's a picture of us circa Summer 2007. Isn't he a hunk?

Let's start with the piece he did for me. He made me an amazing stiletto heel out of Miller High Life beer bottle caps. As many of you know, I own more than 200 pairs of shoes and since Miller High Life is the champagne of beers, it suites me absolutely perfect. Here's a photo of my mosaic and another angle on his original prototype of it.

As you can see, these come in a black or white shadow box frame which is quite sturdy. When I requested the stiletto, he send me two drafts and a preview of my mosaic before he put it together and shipped it out. I knew exactly what I was getting, which is nice, and its a great addition to the rest of my shoe art in my bedroom.

Some other examples of his awesome mosaics include an ode to our love of DC. I'm considering getting these bad boys for my wall as well. They're just so frickin' cute. Any of you DC dwellers who read this blog NEED this pair. Its certainly a great conversation starter at all of the swanky cocktail parties you'll be hosting going into election season (or more like decorating your sad, bare cube in the campaign office while you weep silently under your desk while stuffing field canvass packets).

Next up is the Dartmouth Block "D," and Brooks said he can work with customers on fitting college logos for their alma mater. I suspect this is a popular idea for people who have actual pride in their collegiate sports teams and such. I personally couldn't care less about the college I attended and certainly have no interest in displaying their logo anywhere but on the handbasket I'm riding to hell in.

Capital Bottle Caps is on Etsy at  http://www.etsy.com/shop/
CapitalBottleCaps. Any customer can reach Brooks at this address. He generally respond within 24 hours and should be able to turn around on a draft of a design within 24 hours after that. Depending on the size and complexity of the order, he can have it complete within 2 weeks (usually).

I recommend that you grab one of these pretty babies before he starts get all rich and famous and successful, raising his prices and such. Right now, these are a great deal and you get a very neat, original piece of art to hang in your home. I actually wish I could get a huge poster sized version of my smaller Stiletto heel artwork to fit over my desk.

Get on it, Bitches, these are the best thing since 100 calorie packs of chocolate covered pretzels.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

WTF Wednesday: Is this seriously what our 20's is suppose to be like?

WTF Wednesday took awhile to come to me today...

Its been a relatively uneventful week, and I'm shocked that its already Wednesday and I haven't wanted to violent beat my head against the wall while pulling my hair out in clumps. I suppose that's all I can really ask for, right?

So, I was really busy at work today, thus this blog is going up mega late. I'm in the middle of new hires and outsourcing projects and launching a new line of business, so basically I'm up to my ears in massive amounts of stress. So much actually that I've been having really horrendous nightmares for the past few weeks, which is obviously not helping the stress level, considering I now run on 2-3 hours of sleep and alternate spending the rest of the night playing Uno on my Kindle or reading trashy romance novels that will never replace the void of the 50 Shades of Gray series.

While on a conference call today, I was simultaneously gchatting to five of my close friends who were simultaneously bitching about the same thing: being miserable and in the mid-twenties. All my friends have recently or will soon be turning 25 (including myself), so the quarter life crisis' are in full force.

Two of my very dear friends (I just wrote 'fridays' instead of 'friends', we know where my mind is) are big shots in the finance/accounting field. God bless them because I could never bother taking all those tests and memorizing all that crap. My liberal arts degrees primed me well for my business as a schmooze and overall bullshit artist, but I seriously have mad respect for these ladies and their careers. Anyways, they were complaining about essentially the same exact thing--- working 60+ hour weeks, lack of sleep, no one understands, and its never going to get better-- its going to get worse. Well, that sucks. There's lots of reasons they can't get out of it either. Too much invested; expensive NYC leases, helicopter parents, mortgages to pay, loans to pay back, etc. I get all of that, but what is your life besides a big old paycheck then?

Seriously, these girls are making ballin' cash, but if you can't live life and enjoy it, what is even the point? I know last year, before I moved to Phoenix, I wasn't living life at all. I worked and slept, that's pretty much the extent...and I was depressed. I woke up with the same feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach every single day. I get what they're feeling, and I can't say I don't feel the same down and out thing here and there. 

Is this really what being in our mid twenties has come to? We're educated, we're career women, we're doing it all just like we were suppose to...but what do we really have at the end of the day? No boyfriends, 20 pounds heavier than we were in college, and frickin' miserable.

My boss always says, "If you feel miserable or upset, its your fault because only you are responsible for your own feelings". When my boss says that to me, it practically makes me teary eyes because it sounds so mean, but its true. Back in January, I moved to Phoenix and took charge of my own happiness. Maybe it didn't work out the exact way I expected, but it certainly challenged me to find happiness in all the things in my life I can control.

While in the midst of these conversations, my sorority sister and very dear friend, Nicole, and I were bitching about our less than incredible Match.com experiences. She also sent me this really amazing article called "21 More Things I've Learned in My 20's". 

It reminded me that, yes, this miserable mid twenties funk is suppose to be happening to us, and yes, there are plenty of little things we can do to combat this and change our futures. I know all this shit is going to work itself out amazingly for myself and my friends...it just going to take some hard work and tough decisions to make it happen. So, folks, I leave you with my list of 10 things I've Learned before Hitting Mid-20's.

10 things I've Learned before Hitting My Mid-20's

  1. Eating and drinking like you did in college will catch up. Fitness and healthy eating is way cooler to talk about at this age.
  2. People come into your life for a reason. Even if they leave before you want them to, they taught you something in the meantime.
  3. If you want to talk to that cute guy across the bar, go do it. You'll regret it if you don't.
  4. Being happy doesn’t mean never being sad. (My favorite advice from the above article)
  5. Sometimes paying a premium for convenience and comfort is absolute worth it.
  6. Live comfortable, but frugal for now. Good credit is needed for a lot of things in life coming.
  7. Going places, doing new things and experiencing new culture will make you richer in life than any job could ever.
  8. Only you can change your circumstances. Playing the victim card only works so long.
  9. Men come and go, but your girlfriends are the ones you need to focus on keeping a long time.
  10. Love without reservations, give without expectation and laugh without a care who's watching.

Wednesday words of wisdom from me. Take it or leave it, but I'm making a better effort to practice what I preach every single day.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Bridal Shower Inspirations: Amy's Breakfast at Tiffany's

If you're my friend, I'll do anything for you. If you're my best friend and you're getting married, I'll throw you one over the top bridal shower...

There are a lot of reasons I should be Maid of Honor in heaps of weddings, but one of them is that I throw pretty baller events. For those who don't know, I was the Social Chair of my sorority in college. I spent painstaking amounts of time taking care of each and every detail, from party favors to centerpieces to carnation pink lighting systems, which is exactly what you'd expect from any true sorority girl. While I spent an equal amount of time  hauling kegs in the back seat of my Sebring convertible, I really loved planning all of our formal events which led me to my long time college internship planning political fundraisers. I spent time planning events at both the 2008 Democratic and Republican National Conventions as well as several dinners, brunches and cocktail hours during the actual Inaugral weekend for President Obama. Event planning is my shit, and any excuse I get to plan one, I'm right there.

Luckily, Amy has given me free reign on her Bridal Shower, with the one request that we don't play stupid games and that we get super drunk. I would like to say, there WILL be games and we WILL be super drunk. Its not a classy event if there's no drunk girls, in my opinion.

I gave Amy a list of 10 bridal shower themes in an attempt to keep her actual theme a surprise. Of the list, the only theme she would "accept" was the actual theme I had picked. They don't call us best friends for nothing. So, it was decided. Tiffany's themed brunch.

Let's start with invites. The obvious color scheme is Tiffany's Blue and Pearl. Since it's a brunch, we'll give it the "Breakfast at Tiffany's" theme, since that's one classic movie. Its not like in 20 years, we'll look back and be like "why did we have a '16 and Pregnant' themed Bridal Shower?". That doesn't withstand the test of time AT ALL.

Next there's decor. We're still unsure of venue, but I'm thinking with a guest list of 20+ currently, we're going to do this under a tent in my parent's backyard. Plenty of room out there and we can cook, which is important when you see my food ideas. I'm a big fan of crafting and cooking myself, so I'm more than happy to spend time preparing all this in the weeks before. Decorations are going to be simple, sparkly, and elegant, yet over the top. I'm loving the blue balloons and white rose detail. Take a look at these decor inspirations:

Now, the most important part. Food and drinks. There's several courses we need discuss. First up, snacks and sweets. I think custom M&M's are for every occasion because they're just so cute. I'd love to have multiple buffets set out with all of our different options. I'm pretty pumped to make a bunch of sweets with the Tiffany's blue accent to it. I love those little doughnuts with the pearl sprinkles. What a cute snack!

Next, Brunch. I'm thinking there's going to a ton of type of food, all in very small portions so we can snack all day. Basics like french toast, bacon wraps, hash browns, fruit and quiche are so easy to whip up and will stay good all day long, even when not served super hot. I'm getting hungry looking at this.

Our next situation is drinks. This is maybe, the most important part of the entire Bridal Shower. This is what will save us from opinionated in laws, cousins who want to brag about their own weddings and jealous friends. It will have us laughing over bridal lingerie in no time. I suspect a bridal shower without booze would be an absolute trainwreck. All blue, very sparkly and super strong is what we're going for here. I have a few killer punch and champagne recipes that can be easily made blue. I'm also pumped for sparkly blue sugar rims on my martinis. 

Last, we've got desert. I want to get a real nice Cake Boss style cake made for the shower because I think it'd be well worth it. However, cupcakes would be a less expensive but equally adorable option. Amy is having a cupcake tree wedding cake, so I though that a full cake at her Bridal Shower might be, well, "the icing on the cake". Check out these beyond sexy cakes and cupcakes inspirations.

 I've said it once and I'll say it again...I LOVE THOSE PEARL SPRINKLES. Amy also has another bridesmaid who is a professional bakers. Hopefully she can help advise me on the cake vs. cupcake debate. Knowing me, I'll just do both and people can take them home. I'm pretty sure I'm agile enough to semi-appropriately decorate cupcakes with fondant or butter cream, but clearly a cake needs to be left to the professionals.

I am seriously beyond excited for this shower. It's going to be so sparkly and I hope, something really special for Amy. There is certainly nothing classier than Tiffany's.

Next week: Kelsey's Under the Sea Bridal Shower Inspirations.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Manic Monday: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend

You know what's better than being friends with all of your Boyfriend's friends? 

Stealing all of your Ex's friends after you break up.

Welcome back to Manic Monday: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend! I'm so glad you showed up for your weekly dose of crazy and I'm seriously ready to dish it out. Besides the fact that I'm running on 2 hours of sleep because I stayed up all night watching Shark Week, Mondays are always super busy in the office and I have to be a mega-bitch about my managers not sending in their HR reports for weeks on end, since its payroll time.

Besides all that, this past weekend, EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD decided to get engaged, namely my Facebook friends. While I am very happy for all of them, Facebook insists on rubbing it in my face repeatedly to remind me of my pathetic single status. No matter how many times I click the little X to get rid of the notification (Don't worry, I already congratulated them on their walls), it will not go away. So every time I log in to Facebook (approximately 7 million times a day), I see this:

Still love you, Steph and Sammy!

So, Monday is almost over but not complete with out a Tale from the Psycho Ex Girlfriend vault. Today isn't so much a story, but just the reality of the situation. I'm really frickin' likeable, and it goes without saying that I am far, far more likeable than the Ex. It was so amazing to meet all of his friends when we were dating and getting to know them. They quickly became my close friends, drinking buddies and even, roommate.

When we broke up, I feared that they were all going to side with him and I would loose the few good friends I had in Phoenix. I was even more terrified that I was going to be completely alone in Phoenix, without anyone to lean on at all. Needless to say, they all pretty much sided with me because he did a total jackass thing to me and nobody likes a jackass. Maybe that makes them bad friends, but hey, they were good friends to me.

This isn't the first time that I've used a break up to yield another group of friends. While in college, I had the same boyfriend for about 2.5 years. We lived together, had 100% mutual friends and did everything together, so when the break up happened---it was real bad. We had to split up friends, assets, etc...I can't even imagine how terrible a divorce would be after going through this break up. Really soon after our break up, he decided to start dating some freshman girl. I was clearly not pleased and set out on a warpath. Soon enough, they broke up, which had nothing to do with me. See an awesome opportunity, I swooped in to befriend this girl. Soon enough, we were cackling and hugging right in front of my college ex. He was less than pleased with us sharing stories of all the areas he lacked in. Needless to say, him and I are actually good friends now and I almost feel bad for being so manipulative at the time. But I found out later on that he also slept with one of my sorority sisters, so really, he deserved it in the end. Sorry Dude.

So, back to the present, after the Ex decided to be a huge asshole and caused the events leading up to our break up, I managed to gain a roommate, an amazing role model, 2 of the most fabulous men and one really moochy chick who isn't really my friend, but I tolerate her. I joke sometimes that I'm the President of the CB (my ex's initals) Forgotten Friends Club because I seriously acquired all of his former close friends. Part of this is because I live in the same complex as them, part is because he stopped talking with them, and part of that is because I AM REALLY FRICKIN' LIKABLE.

These are some of the Besties I got post break up:

Hello, Roommate.

We live in this place, isn't it amazing?

Note: The Ex wasn't invited to this partayyyy

If you're going to have a really bad break up, you might as well take something good from it. Some people take a pet. Some people take important life lessons. I take all my ex's friends, and seriously, its one of the best things that came out of my break up with the Ex. These people have been amazingly supportive and tons of fun during one of the toughest break ups I've been through. Call it psycho, but hell, it is well worth it.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Friends don't let friends miss Shark Week

Its that time of year again.

Happy Shark Week, Y'all!

 As someone who has personally been cage diving with extremely aggressive and large great white sharks, I can say that it is absolutely terrifying and that comes from someone who loves adventure sports more than anything else. In my case, we weren't even allowed to use SCUBA gear due to the bubbles making the male sharkies way too angry. We found that out the hard way after they were swimming face first, jaw open directly into the cage. Pretty frickin' amazing. Here's a couple pics of me out on the dive boat in Cape Town, South Africa, and one shabby photo of a big ass shark over the side of the boat.

I'm super duper hung over and had just puked over the edge of the boat as well.
Clearly Professional Photography Status
 If you're like me and looking to spice your Shark Week up---make it even BETTER than being the best week of the year---then you can use the handy Bingo game below that I found to amuse yourself just a tiny bit more. I'm psyched for SW2013, and you should be too. May your shark week be filled with all of the blood, jaws, adventure and nightmares that mine always is.

 Embrace it.

Sunday Date Review

So, I made my quota of one date per week. Good for me! Today, I went out to lunch and to a movie with Shane, one of my Match.com prospects.

Considering my last post about the WORST DATE EVER, today was certainly a breath of fresh air. First off, Shane is a Cornell alumni, former college football player and track star, 6'4 and a philosophy major. He's originally from Texas and a newbie to Phoenix as well.  Another plus is that he doesn't talk about wanting to move back to Iowa or Texas ASAP. He's excited about starting a life in Phoenix, like I am, and not obsessed with a life elsewhere. I can appreciate that.

We started off with lunch at Pita Jungle (deja vu last Saturday? Whatever, hummus is delicious). We actually barely stopped talking to order and then, eat. I was dominating the conversation as usual because I have a big mouth. I eventually stopped talking and let him speak. He clearly is a Philosopher at heart--- a true listener and thinker, whereas I just talk and talk without any clear pattern of organization. He seemed to like my banter well enough. We chatted so long that that we almost missed the movie. He wouldn't even let me pay for lunch--- a good man.

The best part of Shane is that its easy to talk to him. I felt like he was sincerely interested in the shit pouring from my mouth. He thinks I'm really interesting human and so do I...so we have that in common.

Anyways, we went to see the Campaign which made me miss DC and working in politics a ton. Pretty funny movie. After the movie, we hugged, I did my flirty eyes and he said he hoped to see me again. Hell, I'll take it. Considering its literally 121 degrees in Phoenix today, and I was sweating like a frickin' pig, I'm pretty psyched about how this date went.

We've been pretty much texting non-stop since I got home as well, so I suspect the date went well on his end as well. I realize good dates aren't nearly as amusing as the bad ones, but what can I say? I deserve some happiness on my own accord once in awhile, even though my misery is wayyyy more amusing for all of you.

I'll be back tomorrow with a new Manic Monday: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend with a feature on stealing all your ex's friends and keeping them as your own. Happy Sunday!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Infamous Story Saturday: The Worst Date of My Entire Life

I might be slightly intoxicated, but this story must be told.

So, tonight, I went to happy hour with Connie, who is the Ex's friend, who we had gone to Vegas with last November, they got in a little tiff and then he axed her from his life and thereby, axed her from my life. Anyways, we recently got back in touch and had a really amazing time catching up tonight out at Sand Bar in Glendale (or maybe its Peoria, whatever). Sand Bar is located directly next to this restaurant, BJ's Brewery. This is the exact location of THE SINGLE WORST DATE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. When I pulled into Sand Bar, I legit had horrific flashbacks to this night, and therefore, I feel very pressed to spend my late Saturday night telling all of you about it.

Anyone who I tell this story to can't even believe this disaster. I can't even believe it happened myself. If you're single and dating like myself, you know that most dates aren't "bad". You go and grab a drink or a coffee, maybe even dinner and movie. You chit chat, you hug, you part ways. Its average, nothing special, nothing worth writing a blog about for sure. I go on heaps of these dates. There's nothing wrong with the guy--- he's just not anything special. No spark. No fireworks. Booooorrrrringgggg.

When I say that I went on the WORST date of my entire life, I am completely serious. Take everything you didn't like about every date you've been on in your entire life and it still couldn't add up to all of the horrible things that happened at BJ's back in April. 

So, I met this guy a while back. I can't actually remember how. Anyways, he was tall and had boyish good looks so after texting and chatting on the phone, I decided he was normal enough to go out with. He suggested dinner and drink on a Friday night, and I was down, because a.) none of my 6 friends in Phoenix were around, and b.) I like potentially free food--don't we all?

So, this guy suggests that I drive to his house and then we drive together since his place is about half way between my condo and BJ's. There is also a BJ's directly across from my condo complex, but he insisted on going to the one near by Westgate, which is where the hockey arena is, as well as many bars and restaurants. This didn't really surprise me because I already knew he was Coyotes FANATIC and loved hockey and such. Fine.

I generally don't like driving with a date, especially on a first date. You never know when someone could take a psychotic break from reality (see me: daily) and drive me into the desert and leave me there. Mostly, I just always like to be in control of the situation and able to safely get home without depending on some idiot to get me there.

So, I get all pretty and drive on over to his house. Real nice neighborhood, gated community. In my head, I'm like ALLLLRIGHT. He's already outside in his shitty honda civic, in which the glass is covered in that chalk paint you used in high school to decorate your friend's car windows for their birthdays. Its all hockey shit that I could care less about, but clearly, a bigger fan than I thought.

First observation, he's wearing a three piece suit with sneakers and a coyotes baseball cap. There are just so many things epically wrong with this picture. First off, we're going to BJ's. For those not on the west coast, BJ's is a deep dish pizza place that is one step up from TGI Friday's. NOT FANCY. I would put it in the $12-14 entree range. It sure isn't prom...and that's the last time I saw a guy wearing a three piece suit like this. Second, he's wearing sneakers and a baseball hat with it. Do I need to explain why this is not okay?

So, I'm like, "Nice house". He replies, "Oh, its my parent's house, I just live here." Um, okay. That was information you didn't disclose before. Alas, I felt I could move past that detail. We get in his car. He immediately put his hand on my thigh and demands I hold his hand. I'm officially creeped.

We get to the restaurant and there's a 15 minute wait. We head to the bar--- I order a delicious berry cider they make at BJ's, he orders a Strawberry Mojito.....mmhmmm. Table is ready, we bring our drinks to the table. Waitress walks up, he CHUGS his mojito and slams it on the table in front of her. 

Waitress: "Welcome to BJ's. I see y'all got started at the bar. How are the drinks?"

Guy: "This mojito was so weak. Really weak. I'll get a wedge salad. No more mojitos. What do you want? (stares at me)"

Me: (mortified by rudeness and trying to hide under the table) "No clue, just sat down, haven't opened the menu"

The waitress comes back, I order a side salad. In the mean time, Mr. Charming decides to order us a small pizza to share, without asking what I would like, if I would like to share or what I would like on my pizza. I GUESS WE'LL SHARE NOW.

Waitress comes back with his wedge salad.

Guy: "WHERE IS HER SALAD? WHY DIDN'T IT COME WITH MINE????" (unnecessarily angry)

Waitress: (explains how the food you order first comes out first)

Me: (becomes intensely interested in the Basketball game playing on TV, despite have NO previous interest in basketball)

Guy: "Aren't they suppose to cut up a salad for you? Why would they leave it in one piece?"

Me: "Do you know what a wedge salad is?"

He the proceeds to chop up the wedge salad, toss the salad with his BARE HANDS and eat like a farm animal. See below for exactly what my experience was.

As he did this and I become increasingly aware of my misery, he leans over and says, "Doesn't it make you sick to see an fairly attractive white girl and a black guy on a date?", in reference to a bi-racial couple sitting one table over from us. UMMMM, did you just make a racist comment on a first date??? SERIOUSLY? Is this real life?

So, I brush him off with a UM, FUCK YOUR RACIST COMMENT and pray the waitress comes back with my salad ASAP so I can order another beer. When she does, he asks if I REALLY need a second drink...


In the mean time, we've finished our barnyard salad feast and he is now trying to play footsie with me under the table and demanding I hold his hand. He stomps on my toe. My eyes are literally tearing up in pain.

I ask him about his love of hockey, since the Coyotes are in the playoffs. He goes on for awhile about how he started loving hockey last year and dropped out of ASU to attend community college where he could start playing hockey and eventually go pro. Is this a joke? It must be a joke.

This guy talks about hockey like its his god damn left leg. He loves it SO MUCH...and he just started playing last year? At this point, I'm ready for dinner to be done and to go home, any way I can. There will be no post dinner drinks.

He eventually gets around to asking me how I ended up in Phoenix. I give him the abbreviated sob story of how I moved here to be nearer to my ex and it didn't work out. He berates me for mentioning my ex boyfriend, as it is a "first date foul", until our pizza arrives.

I'm clearly uncomfortable, so I watch him eat his pizza with his hands while I eat like a normal human, with a fork and knife. I order a third beer to spite him.

When the waitress comes back, he whips out a credit card and hands it to her while ordering desert for us to share. How much ruder can you be to the poor waitress, seriously? Are we in a hurry? You can't wait for the check to come???

I watch him devour this cookie/ice cream thing. He is licking his fingers. I am all but vomiting and thinking about how I can get out of these after dinner drinks.

I am so smart. I say, "How about we just go back to your place and watch a movie?" Of course, he readily agree because he thinks this date is amazing and he's about to get booty.

Walking through the parking lot back to his car, he puts his hand directly on my ass, leans in and attempts to shove his tongue in my throat while simultaneously eating my face. Clearly the pizza did not fill him up at dinner. You might me able to guess my reaction.


Needless to say, he spent the entire car ride back telling me how I owed him because he spent $60 ENTIRE DOLLARS on dinner and I need to meet him half way by allowing him to fondle me in a parking lot like high schoolers. I even try to pay him the money for dinner. He continues to yell at me and telling me I'm a frigid biotch (direct quote). I sit silently and pray he doesn't run me off the road. The guy is practically in rage tears by the time we get back to my car. I open the car door and run to my car as soon as we pull in. I don't say goodbye. I'm not even sorry about that.

Two days later, I get a text from him saying, "Try it again next Friday???"

The End. 
Worst Date Ever. 

Don't even try to tell me I'm being cruel here because I'm not. I've never experience so many horrible things in a short period of time, but hey, that's what I'm working with here. Now we know while I'm terrified to even BEGIN dating again...because of guys like this. God help us all.