#ContactForm1{ display: none !important; }

Monday, July 30, 2012

Manic Mondays: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend

I wish I could say that I'm not the psycho ex-girlfriend, but I am. 

Before I go there, let me explain. This is my weekly special, Manic Mondays. If you can't come up with your own list of reasons Mondays are miserable, let me assist with my top 10.

1.) I'm still hung over from Sunday brunch.
2.) I have 473 emails in my inbox.
3.) Another weekend has gone by, and you really haven't done anything super cool or fun.
4.) No amount of coffee will justify an appropriate level of productivity.
5.) I am always running late. Two days of sleeping in has reset my biological clock forever.
6.) Morning staff meeting clashes with both my breakfast and mid-morning snack time.
7.) There are no naps on Monday.
8.) I didn't do my timesheet on Friday, and HR is very irritated.
9.) One hour is ACTUALLY equivalent to 3 Friday hours.
10.) That co-worker who says "Happy Monday!". Yeah, fuck you.


Okay, so back to the psycho ex-girlfriend thing. In February, I got my heart crushed, torn out, stomped on. I still feel like I may never recover most of the time, but I think it helps to secretly fester in my psycho ex-girlfriend tendencies. Let's get this straight-- I am not condoning or encouraging anyone else to do any such activity mentions on Manic Mondays. This list was started right after my break up in order for me to, personally, feel better on the inside knowing all the ways I could make my ex-boyfriend annoyed in some small way. 

Week 1: Compulsive Liars need help. Lots and lots of help.

One of the main reasons for this particularly debilitating break up was because he could not be honest. Well, it wasn't dishonesty. It was leaving out very substantial, important details about the past that would have completely skewed my opinion on dating him at all had I have previously known. Yeah, awesome. If you don't think cheating extensively, banging Craigslist hookers and financial disarray, including evasion of the IRS, is bad....it is. Not bitter or anything. Hah.

Because of my ex's inability to tell the truth, even with confronted with it, I decided he really needed some professional help. So, I sent him a variety of self help books on lying, anti-social personality disorder, inability to commit...the whole gambit. Thanks to his shared Amazon Prime account, I get awesome free shipping from Amazon. Its pretty much the best thing to come out of our relationship, honestly.

I scheduled them to arrive, 2,3,4,5 at a time, everyday for more than two weeks. Yeah, I had to invest some cash, but it was satisfying on the inside. Maybe he'll pick one up and LEARN something. God knows, he needs it. I hope he felt like poop. I wish I could've seen the look on his face when he happily opened an Amazon package (he is also an avid buyer) hoping for new designer sunglasses or a video game, only to get a book on how to hypnotize yourself out of compulsive lying.

Please don't write me and tell me how immature I am. I already know that. Please don't write me and tell me what a crazy bitch I am. FULLY AWARE.  At the very least, I am a concerned and helpful ex-girlfriend this time, right?

1 comment:

  1. you're the greatest ex girlfriend EVER hahahahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete