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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Meet The Brides

I can't even begin this blog without writing about my two leading ladies in my life. And God, do I love them, but in all their wedding bliss, I'm actually going insane. Of course I'm thrilled for both of them and LOVE both of their fiance's more than I love any men in my actual romantic love life; however, without a proper introduction, you can never understand the world I live in.


Kelsey is my low maintenance bride. We've been friends since early childhood and have always stayed close, despite the geographical distance that has existed between us since early high school. I consider her to be the sister I never had. When her and her handsome Army boyfriend, Matt, got engaged nearly two years ago, I was super thrilled for her. When she asked me to be Maid of Honor, I was even more thrilled.

Here we are, several years ago. I just feel really happy when I look at this photo.

So, here we are. Two years later, Kelsey and Matt JUST set a date for their wedding, about a year from now. Kelsey is basically the kindest, gentlest human on earth--- she just wants everyone to be happy. This is the absolute worst attitude for a bride to have. 

Don't get me wrong-- this entire blog has to do with my fleeting sanity caused by brides and the greater world involved romantically when I am not; however, you only get one wedding (in theory?), so it ought to be exactly what you want and how you want it. Today, I lectured Kelsey on all the reasons she needs to be a brutal bitch when it comes to all things wedding. She promised she'd try. Don't worry everyone, I've already offered my services in being a mean bitch to her---free of cost, even. I'm a very generous Maid of Honor, AMIRITE?!?


Amy and I have been best friends since the 4th grade. That's 15 years of cat fights, Backstreet Boy concerts, sneaking cocktails and getting into trouble on vacations. The list of reasons I love this girl are unending. Amy got engaged this past March to Jared, who is basically my boyfriend without any actual responsibilities. He's a real gem, according to my mother. Anyways, since the engagement, its been all wedding all the time and I'm good with that. I love weddings, I really do. Event planning has always been my thing. I was the social chair of my sorority-- I was practically BORN to plan parties. So, helping Amy with planning has been both a pleasure and a pain, namely because I was going through a heart wrenching break up in the midst of the engagement. C'est la vie.

So, this is Amy, squished between her hubby to be, Jared, and myself. We're only incredibly intoxicated in this photo, which makes it all the more "us". I refuse to believe we're adults yet.

But they're getting married...and I'm the Maid of Honor, so yeah, I guess we're adults. Fuck.

Jared and I have a pretty great friendship. He is really great for my best friend. Plus, he always buys me drinks and makes sure I get home safely whenever we're out. As you can see below, we're besties by proxy (and once again, clearly sober???).

There's a whole bunch of family drama involved in this wedding planning story. I won't go into it because its basically not my place. But some of it is really good...really good. Maybe Amy will let me post some of it on WTF Wednesdays, where you get to hear my rant of the week. 

Amy is the type of bride who isn't really a Bridezilla yet, but sure as hell, she will be eventually. I don't think she'd even mind me saying so. Everyday, Amy, myself and our mutual high school friend, Bogdan, have #workchat. Yes, #workchat, just like that---hashtag or bust. We spend all day in a group GChat busting each others' balls on politics, literacy and relationships. While Bogdan refuses to participate in most wedding talk, this is exactly where it all goes down. Six to eight glorious hours of discussing wedding plans, in depth, in detail. We talk about everything from guest lists to how to kick the lame groomsman out of the bridal party and replace him with Bogdan (Jared is coming around to our peer pressure). 

Amy has lots of opinions and knows pretty much exactly what she wants. This is nice, because it doesn't require me forming many of my own plentiful opinions (smile, nod, agree), and it gives me a clear path of what's to come. I'm preparing my Maid of Honor survival kit now, full of vodka, hash browns and Zanax.

Those are my main squeezes. The cheese to my macaroni. They couldn't be any more different, but I couldn't love either of them more. Despite my absolute ridiculous loathing of the "single" friend, I really, honestly couldn't be happier for either of them.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Manic Mondays: Tales of a Psycho Ex Girlfriend

I wish I could say that I'm not the psycho ex-girlfriend, but I am. 

Before I go there, let me explain. This is my weekly special, Manic Mondays. If you can't come up with your own list of reasons Mondays are miserable, let me assist with my top 10.

1.) I'm still hung over from Sunday brunch.
2.) I have 473 emails in my inbox.
3.) Another weekend has gone by, and you really haven't done anything super cool or fun.
4.) No amount of coffee will justify an appropriate level of productivity.
5.) I am always running late. Two days of sleeping in has reset my biological clock forever.
6.) Morning staff meeting clashes with both my breakfast and mid-morning snack time.
7.) There are no naps on Monday.
8.) I didn't do my timesheet on Friday, and HR is very irritated.
9.) One hour is ACTUALLY equivalent to 3 Friday hours.
10.) That co-worker who says "Happy Monday!". Yeah, fuck you.

Okay, so back to the psycho ex-girlfriend thing. In February, I got my heart crushed, torn out, stomped on. I still feel like I may never recover most of the time, but I think it helps to secretly fester in my psycho ex-girlfriend tendencies. Let's get this straight-- I am not condoning or encouraging anyone else to do any such activity mentions on Manic Mondays. This list was started right after my break up in order for me to, personally, feel better on the inside knowing all the ways I could make my ex-boyfriend annoyed in some small way. 

Week 1: Compulsive Liars need help. Lots and lots of help.

One of the main reasons for this particularly debilitating break up was because he could not be honest. Well, it wasn't dishonesty. It was leaving out very substantial, important details about the past that would have completely skewed my opinion on dating him at all had I have previously known. Yeah, awesome. If you don't think cheating extensively, banging Craigslist hookers and financial disarray, including evasion of the IRS, is bad....it is. Not bitter or anything. Hah.

Because of my ex's inability to tell the truth, even with confronted with it, I decided he really needed some professional help. So, I sent him a variety of self help books on lying, anti-social personality disorder, inability to commit...the whole gambit. Thanks to his shared Amazon Prime account, I get awesome free shipping from Amazon. Its pretty much the best thing to come out of our relationship, honestly.

I scheduled them to arrive, 2,3,4,5 at a time, everyday for more than two weeks. Yeah, I had to invest some cash, but it was satisfying on the inside. Maybe he'll pick one up and LEARN something. God knows, he needs it. I hope he felt like poop. I wish I could've seen the look on his face when he happily opened an Amazon package (he is also an avid buyer) hoping for new designer sunglasses or a video game, only to get a book on how to hypnotize yourself out of compulsive lying.

Please don't write me and tell me how immature I am. I already know that. Please don't write me and tell me what a crazy bitch I am. FULLY AWARE.  At the very least, I am a concerned and helpful ex-girlfriend this time, right?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Is it Friday yet?

So, this blog is more like the free spirited rants of a 24 years old who is on the edge of sanity daily. It has no specific topic, but hey, I think I'm pretty hilarious, maybe you will too.

About me:
Nikki, 24, Chicago Native, Currently Phoenix Resident. Serious Career Girl, full time. Professional Bridesmaid, also full time. Survived a recent heartbreak. World Traveler. Avid Reader. Fiercely Loyal and Loves Without Reservation.

Me, enjoying a nice bottle of Champagne. I'm classy that way.
So, where does the inspiration for this blog come from? Well, all my friends are getting married. I'm not exaggerating, either. I'm in SEVEN. Count them, SEVEN weddings in the next year, two of which I'm the Maid of Honor in. You'll hear a lot about those weddings, as they belong to my two best friends, Amy and Kelsey. While they couldn't be any different as brides, they're both eager to discuss the intricate details of their weddings for approximately every hour of every day. 

Since all I do is chat about weddings, I'm starting to need an outlet for all of my other thoughts/feelings/emotional breakdowns/ quarter life crisis/ terrible dating encounters. While my daily conversation are full of flowers, DIY ideas and bridal shower themes, the cold, white underbelly of my life still exists.

So, here I am world.  Be gentle.