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Friday, December 28, 2012

The holidays are mostly over so let's countdown the top 5 awkward holiday moments.

You missed me. I know it.

So, once again, I've been caught up in the frenzy of a trip to Chicago and POOF, I disappear. Its terrible but hey, I'm basically famous and a lot of people love me so I get real busy. The truth of the matter is, my mother hogs my time with many commitments because she loves me a lot and I love her so I do them. We're two peas in a pod and I cannot deny that to her during the holidays for sure.

In true Grinch style, I kind of hate the holidays. I like giving gifts but hearing repeatedly that I am intensely difficult to buy presents for is very depressing because either a.) no one knows me at all or b.) I'm a spoiled brat who has every thing on earth. The answer is most likely B which is also very sad for me. As always, I cleaned up pretty well this year with a variety of fun as well as useful presents including costume jewelry, a round trip ticket to Costa Rica, new luggage, a 4 day trip somewhere warm in February, money, gift cards, massages, candles and oh so much more. I am spoiled, I know. Shhhh.

So now, let's count down the top 5 awkward holiday moments this holiday season, in the spirit of entertaining you with my disastrous life.

1.)  There's snow.

I don't really need to discuss this. Snow is miserable, no matter how little of it there is. My mother recently bought a brand new car that I've been driving during my visit home but I'm terrified to drive it in any sort of moist conditions, such as snow. Its really putting a damper in my plans, lettmetellya, because it snow like every 65 seconds in Chicago. Snow not only binds me to my home, but it also ruins my hair style, makes my toes cold, gets my shoes dirty and overall sucks. Its not awkward...it just sucks. Period. This is why I live in Arizona.

2.) Your family discusses your recent weight loss repeatedly.

 As we all know, I lost a fairly significant amount of weight since last July. Most of my extended family hasn't seen me since last Christmas, with the exception of a few who saw me in the beginning of my weight loss. Needless to say, they were surprised and felt the need to repeatedly ask me awkward questions about it...like "Don't you just have so much more energy?" UM NO, I SPEND TWO HOURS A DAY IN THE GYM WORKING MY ASS OFF LITERALLY. I AM NOT MORE ENERGIZED. I FEEL LIKE THE DEATH. I understand they're trying to be supportive but perhaps have the first six times I mention how uncomfortable they're making me, they'd stop. But no...because I am from a family of pushers who push and push until you freak out.

3.) Someone in your family gives you a way nicer gift than you give them.

Its a damn good thing I had 80% of my Christmas shopping done prior to getting laid off, because all of those people got ballin' presents. The other 20%, sorry...I'm poor now.  I generally just buy a little something for my mom's boyfriends kids and they generally buy me nothing. Like, never, in the 15 years of my mom and her boyfriend being together, have either of his kids ever purchased me a present. I figured this year would be like every other year. Amy suggested I purchase them a can of soup each, but I wanted to get something a little more substantive. I picked up some beer for his son, because he's 21 and that's what 21 year old's like. Then he bought me a $50 Nordstrom gift card and I felt like a huge asshole. HOW COULD I HAVE PREDICTED?!?!?!?!? Awkward....

4.) Your family discusses your unemployment at the Christmas dinner table. 

If there's one thing I like talking about less than being single and how I use to be fat, its my new status of unemployment. I've been kinda keeping in on the DL. I don't just announce it to everyone (except here on my blog, clearly) and especially not to my exceedingly successful extended family. Don't worry, my grandmother certainly announced it to everyone at some point because there was an extended discussion about my plan of action at the Christmas dinner table. Le sigh. I'm glad everyone else has a plan for me because I certainly do not. The plan is: Return to Phoenix, Get drunk on NYE, go to Costa Rica, Come back, Die. That's all I've got-- KTHX.

5.) That night you go to the bar and see your entire high school.

Everybody knows that bar that everyone goes to when they come back in town for the holidays. For us, its Durty Nellie's. Everyone hates it, but we all still go and see all the people we went to high school with and then we gossip about them until they awkwardly saunter over and say hello. Then a 3-5 minute even more awkward conversation occurs. They walk away and you discuss how awkward all that happened was. This happened on the 4th of July and near to Christmas, without fail. I tried to avoid this however an old friend from junior high asked me out for a drink last week and chose...dun dun dun....Nellie's. ARGH. We chose a quiet corner table and had a few beers before our former junior high and high school colleagues started pouring in. I tried to avoid eye contact. I tried to play with my phone like I was super busy. I tried turning physically to the wall...but nothing worked. Awkward run-in's occured. My 2012 resolution is to NEVER go to Durty Nellie's EVER again. I am serious.

I'm back to Phoenix tomorrow night and back to regularly blogging into 2013. Get pumped for all new date reviews and my backpackers blog from Costa Rica. xoxo.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

WTF Wednesday: Happy Holidays from SGIEWW

Happy Holidays from SGIEWW!!!!!

In the spirit of not being a total Grinch this holiday season despite the fact my entire life went to shit a week ago, I wanted to wish all of my readers a very happy holiday season. Many of you real life friends/readers have already received my holiday card in the mail, but for those who have not, I've decided to share it with all of you.

The inspiration behind this card is a tiny bit WTF. I understand, its not traditional, and I didn't want it to be. As you know, I am very grinchy this holiday season (and I can think of at least ONE other grinchass mofo who helped to ruin my day today) and getting the plethora of adorable family and engaged couple cards has made me want to vomit all over. Listen, I love my friends and their kids and their dogs and I appreciate the thought behind the Christmas card, but let's be real, I'm jealous as fuck of their happy little lives.

So, in lieu of just sending regular old hand written cards this year, I decided to opt with a Santa's Little Helper themed card featuring an array of mildly seductive photos of myself in a red gown, stilettos and a Santa hat, with the two loves of my life: the sunshine and the pool. Tiffany took these sweet photos for me and my long time friend, Stuart corrected the color, cropped out the weird homeless looking dude behind the fireplace, etc. and to them, I am forever in their debt.

So far, I've gotten a ton of great feedback on them. My friends know that this card was meant to be saucy and hilarious because they know I'm pretty quirky in general. I applaud them for hanging my card front and center on their fridge. I can only hope my extended family understands the humor in these cards as well.

LUCKY FOR ALL OF YOU...you can just right click and print out my holiday card. I recommend framing it and maybe even handing copies out to your own friends, family and loved ones.

Once again, Happy Holidays from SGIEWW!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Things I Love: 26 Random Acts of Kindness

Taking Pay It Forward to the Next Level

Y'all know I try to keep my blog as light hearted as possible, and do promise some fun blog posts later this week but I had to go with this semi serious topic today, because, hell, I benefited from a Random Act of Kindness today and then paid it forward. And I'm encouraging you all to do the same this holiday season.

As we all know, the shooting rampage at Sandy Hook Elementary last week was absolutely fucked up and terrible. That is clear. How we move forward is not, but the best thing I have seen to move forward is to literally pay kindness to others in this time of devastation and healing. There's a pretty great Buzzfeed article with the whole story behind it, so I recommend you read it. You can find it here.

So, I was out doing some last minute Christmas shopping today and decided to grab a coffee from Starbucks since I am constantly freezing cold now that I am not living in an 80 degree Phoenix winter wonderland. I went through the drive thru because I could not fathom leaving a warm car, even for a hot coffee, even though its still unseasonably warm in Chicago for December.

I was minding my own business, placed my order and was waiting to pay. The person ahead of me was kind of taking forever and I was getting annoyed because I was, well, cold and wanted my coffee and I expect the world to revolve around me most of the time. When I got to the window to pay for my coffee, the lady handed it to me and said that person ahead of me had paid for my coffee, a random act of kindness in honor of the children of Sandy Hook. I literally broke down into tears.

I'm kind of a grinch about Christmas, but this really warmed my intensely cold heart. What to do next? The answer: Pay it forward. I paid for the dude behind me in the drive thru's coffee and it felt good.

But I didn't stop there. I drove over to Toys R Us and paid off three layaway purchases that were still on hold. A few dollars out of my pocket, a few less beers at the bar and a couple less dresses from TJ Maxx and I made the difference for some family's Christmas. That's a really good feeling.

Whether its holding a door, buying coffee or something more, I encourage you to PLEASE get into the true holiday spirit and pay it forward this year. Trust me, its a great gift to yourself as well.

Here's an easy check list to get you started as well:

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Best of Times and the Worst of Times and that Time I Turned 25

The Best of Times and the Worst of Times and that Time I Turned 25...

Sometimes when we do not follow where the higher part of ourselves has already gone, the universe has a way of closing down other options which we've procrastinated. This week I joined the Quarter Century Club and my life's path has changed completely.

I know I've been absentee. This week basically started as world end level catastrophe and ended on the highest note I could possible imagine in my life. Things happened this week that changed my outlook, that changed who I am, how I think and how I feel. Some people think a birthday, even something as big as a 25th birthday, is no big deal, but the week of my 25th birthday is one I'll never forget. Let's review. 

So, I got laid off from my job Monday morning. It happened. I won't get into the nitty gritty details but I want to talk about this because its happening to a lot of my friends and people my age in general and I know how embarrassing and shameful it feels. I was certainly devastated and was completely blindsided by this event. Regardless of the fact I HATED my job and have been actively interviewing for new jobs, it is not a good feeling to be let go, even if the reasons have nothing to do with you personally. 

I rarely have spoken about my career on my blog but it was my entire life for the past two years. It was my family, my support, my source of pride and certainly one of the most amazing opportunities I have had in my life, allowing me to travel to all corners of the world and meet people I would've never had the opportunity to meet. Even though it wasn't perfect by any means, it was my identity. 

So, take away the career. What's left? I don't know who I am without my career....and now I'm 25, single and jobless. How's that for the start of the week?

After the end of the world, how do you pick up the pieces? If you're me, you go to Walgreens, buy a bottle of wine at 10am. donate blood at the Blood Drive in the parking lot. I may have gotten laid off, but hey, I SAVED THREE LIVES with my donation. 

This is called the art of positive thinking...and its where you start to pick up the pieces.

And next, you turn to the people in your life who can be a source of strength. These people are my amazing friends and family. No matter how far they physically are from you, they are still a resource. My parents and family were obviously very sympathetic and supportive, which I cannot be more thankful for...but my friends, just wow. I can't even begin to tell you how they turned my entire week around for the better.

I was very emotional and kinda sorta unstable on Monday after the lay off. My roommate, Jessie, was right there for me, asking what I needed and how she could help. Amy was right there on GChat talking me through the worst of it. Mike was texting me that I should come work with him so we could be pro bro's for life. Lacie was sending me positive texts during her entire work day. I received countless text messages and phone calls from my sorority sisters and friends across the country expressing concern. This included what was left of my coworkers who were shocked and horrified by what happened. Eva spent half of the work day shunning those involved and talking me through the ROUGHEST parts of my days where I just didn't even want to go on.

Bottom line, I have incredible friends who have given me an amazing source of strength this week. Let's move on to the fun stuff and away from my emotional Nicky Minaj tantrum about my life. 

So, although it was the middle of finals week, Tiffany dragged me out from my miserable existence on Wednesday night to Blue Martini for an innocent happy hour. Then our favorite band was playing. Then the manager was buying us shots. Then it gets a bit fuzzy...but this was the last photo of the night...with me being essentially held up by Brian, the guitarist of the band, followed by a cute photo of my leading lady, Tiffany. We look real pretty, and no, I don't know who that lady in the background is.

 ...And then the next morning....this was what I found in my purse.

WHY YES THAT IS 500 COCKTAIL NAPKINS. Apparently, Tiffany and I decided it would be fun times to play with the uber cute bartender Dave and take ever single bar napkin off of the bar so he could not use them any more. HOT MESS. At least I don't have to buy napkins maybe ever again.

Friday was my birthday. My friends spoiled me rotten. I went to mail my Christmas cards and found this snarky little attractive courtesy of Lacie. Is that my entire car covered in post it note decor? Surely, it is. She always knows how to put a smile on my face, even during the worst week of my life.

During the day, I also received the following from my childhood best friend (also Bride #2 in 2013). and from my Little Sister in Phi Mu, Rachey. Once again, I am beyond spoiled and so amazingly blessed to have the friends that I do, no matter how far the distance between us.

All my besties came out to play. We had super duper tons of fun. I got to wear a new dress courtesy of my roommate and fab friend, Jessie. Mike bought me a series of fucked up, disgusting shots. Tiffany bought me delicious shots. We go drunk. All was well. Here's some hot photos of it.

On Saturday night, I met up with Derek for dinner before I hopped a red eye flight back to Chicago (thank you to superwoman Lacie for driving me to fucking no where Mesa airport at midnight as well). I'm really starting to like him a lot and he looked super cute, despite the horrible rainstorm going on. He also is planning an open ended backpacking trip to Costa Rica....and offered me to come with him...we'll discuss this further later this week...but it sounds a lot like a new Eat, Pray, Love trip for me. I need to clear my head, and here's my chance. My fortune cookie even said I should go, I shit you not.

So, the bottom line is, the worst week of my life was made into one of the best, most memorable weeks of my life by my friends and family across the world. I am so thankful for my friends in Phoenix who stood by my side and helped to make my 25th birthday amazing, as well as my friends everywhere who helped me pick up the pieces and see the bright side again. I cannot thank those of you who helped me through this week enough.

So, um, Costa Rica, any one?

Sunday, December 9, 2012

AND ONE FOR YOU...AND YOU...AND YOU---Nikki's Top 10 Holiday Favorites

I might not be Oprah, but I'm sharing my top 10 Holiday Must Haves with you.

If you love Oprah like I do (she's mah hometown biotch and all), then you know all about Oprah's Favorite Things show where she gives everyone in the audience some ridiculous amount of gifts they could never normally afford, like cars and shit. 

Now, unfortunately, I am not rich and I'm not giving you free shit. But I am going to share with you my top 10 favorite things this holiday season because I have a really hard time buying gifts and not just buying for myself. Maybe you have the same problem and this will inspire you to buy ME presents...or um...other people on your list. So, get pumped and enjoy.

1.) Essie 2012 Winter Collection Polishes

 Essie is hands-down the best nail polish you can buy. I love it dearly. Most of the time, you can pick it up for $3 a bottle at TJ Maxx or Marshall's but it retails at pretty much any beauty supply store for $8 a bottle. This winter's collection is slightly different, as it features a number of sparkly polishes which is pretty out of the ordinary for Essie. My absolute MUST HAVE from the 2012 Winter Collection is "A Cut Above" which is a gorgeous rose gold glitter polish. It has a number of different sized foil glittery pieces that look amazing when painted over a beige or nude polish (as pictured above). Its perfect for everyday wear or a super glam evening look.

2.) Old Navy Active Wear

Now, you can say what you want about Old Navy clothing, but the bottom line is that their active wear line is the bomb.com (yes, I said it). Its all really nice, long lasting quality, fun patterns and colors and the quick drying material that keeps you feeling pretty damn fresh no matter how hard the work out. Their yoga pants are made of a nice stretchy material that doesn't easily loose its shape and the sports bars are legit sports bras, for, you know...women who have actual boobs who need support without it being a girdle (and a great price, if you buy two, they're only $10 each). They also have a variety of lengths and styles of pants and shorts which is great for all types of work outs. Best of all, their active wear clothes come in all sizes, from preteen to plus size (which can be ordered online). I love the idea of encouraging a healthy lifestyle for women of all ages, shapes and sizes. If you want to try it out, you can most always find a few lone pieces in the clearance rack for $3-$5, but you'll be hooked before you know it.

3.) Beauty Society Products 

Listen up, if you're going to buy yourself one thing this holiday season, seriously, buy these products. I'M OBSESSED. Tiffany actually is a Beauty Society rep and trust me, I was skeptical about this stuff because I have really sensitive skin and I don't really love those companies that are like Mary Kay. HOWEVER, after trying these products, my mind was changed. These are all natural, all organic, vegan friendly skin care and make up products. They are also sulfate and paraben free (you know, those chemicals that cause cancer). I use the cleanser, resurfacing, toner and moisturizer every single day and its done fairly amazing stuff for my skin. Just try it, one time, and you will be amazed. They also have some awesome Holiday specials going on. To get a free consultation or to place an order you can go to http://mybeautysociety.com/tlynn and contact Tiffany. She's pretty amazing :) 

4.) Hash browns 

 I don't think I need to explain this. Its the most delicious and perfect food on earth. C'mon. Everybody loves hash browns. Its the perfect holiday gift!

5.) Hot Pants by Zaggora

 You've probably never heard of these, but they really changed the way I work out and took my exercise routine to the next level. I won't bore you with how they actually work (but you can read about it here). Basically, these are colorful exercise pant alternatives that help to burn belly fat (mine and many women's biggest problem area) by using a material, kind of similar to a wetsuit, that creates resistance as well as elevates temperature making you sweat a shit ton. I bought them for $30 with a group on back in September and they certainly do make you sweat WAY more and burn WAY more calories. They do take some getting use to but certainly worth the retail price of $75. They also sell bras, zip ups and several lengths of hot pants. Highly suggested for anyone who is trying to bump up their exercise routine or working on problems areas of the tummy, hips and thighs. You won't be disappointed. You can order hot pants and other items by Zaggora by visiting http://zaggora.com/pages/THE-STORE.html

6.) Yonanas Ice Cream Treat Maker

 This is one of the hottest items for sale this holiday season. I just picked one up last weekend and it has basically changed my life. I swear to you, it is incredible. As all of you know I am constantly on a diet in coordination with my weight loss mission, but I still has a crazy sweet tooth that occasionally gets the best of me. In Phoenix, there are tempting Froyo bars every 6 inches, and when its 120 degrees outside, you really want to stop every 6 inches for Froyo, trust me. BUT NO MORE, thanks to Yonana's.

Here's the basic idea:
1. Peel over-ripe bananas and freeze for 24 hours.
2. Turn on Yonana maker.
3. Insert frozen banana in the chute and push the banana down using the plunger.
4. Repeat with frozen fruits or chocolate.
5. Collect a DELICIOUS single serving of FRUIT that LOOKS and TASTES like ice cream

MIND BLOWN. Get one, bitches. $50 at Bed, Bath and Beyond or at Yonana's website.

7.) PB2 All-Natural Low Calorie Peanut Butter

This is another one of my diet/exercise must haves. Like I said before, I have a sweet tooth and for some reason, I though eating huge scoops of regular peanut butter with an apple was somehow better than eating a brownie. But its actually not. Its a huge amount of sugar and on average 180 calories per two tablespoons. If you love peanut butter but not the fat or calories, try PB2. Its an all natural powdered peanut butter. Basically, some peanut butter makers figured out they can extract all the fatty, bad oils from peanuts and make it into a rich, nutty flavored powder that is only 45 calories per two tablespoon serving. FORTY FIVE CALORIES PER SERVING. All you do is take two tablespoons of powder, mix with 1-2 tablespoons of water/milk/almond milk/whatever liquid, and it turns back into a very nice spreadable paste. Its not as sweet as peanut butter from a jar, but its got a natural, nutty flavor. It also comes in a natural cocoa flavor (I like to mix one tbspoon of the original and one of the cocoa for a great taste). Perfect for sandwiches, protein shakes OR eating it with fruit/veggies. The best price for PB2 is about $10 for a 2-pack at most health food stores or on Amazon.com.

8.) Fetco Quatrefoil 4-pc. Frame Set

I found this amazing frame set at Kohl's. They're quatrefoils....which is very important to anyone who is a member of my sorority. I even have a quatrefoil tattoo...its THAT significant. For those who aren't Phi Mu's and currently squealing over this, they are also just really well made and adorable frames that take up a substantial amount of wall space. They're just so cute and even better? They're on sale for only $24 for the ENTIRE set right now. Buy them here.

9.) One Directions- Take Me Home Album

Say what you want about my musical taste, but this album is full of great work out tunes and feel good pop music that is just so sugary sweet your head will explode. The thing is, One Direction is not the boy band of 2004. They are quite a bit sassier, they sing about sexy time and taking girls home and doing sassy things with them. You might not notice because its entwined in sugary pop beats, but its there....and its so good no matter how bad it is that I am a woman in my mid twenties who loves boy bands with members who are barely legal. Don't judge me.

10.) Synthetic Hair Extensions (because who DOESN'T want to look like me???)

 You may notice that I almost always have some obnoxious color of hair extension in my hair over the past year. The photo above is from last night and features my lime green woven in extensions, but OH, they come in many colors. I've moved on past the clip in hair and onto keratin bonds for keeping them in for a slightly longer commitment, but YOU too can have multicolored hair for a very low cost with Clip In Hair Extensions. They're brightly colored, easy to style and you'll get tons of compliments. Just place under the top layer of your hair, clip in and cut to length. You can order them on Amazon right here at wholesale pricing. Six clips (you choose the color combination) for $7.99 is great way to try out my signature style with basically little to no commitment. You know you want to.

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

WTF Wednesday: I'm a natural Zombie slayer, so you're probably going to want to stick with me in the Zombie Apocalypse (aka this is also a date review)

Today, I shot a big gun, so now I'm really ready for Zombie Apocalypse. Seriously.

So, in the spirit of WTF Wednesday, I went out and did something new and amazing today, best of all, it was also a date. TWO BLOGS, ONE STONE.

Now, most of you who know me in real life know that I have an obsessive and slightly bizarre obsession with the pending Zombie Apocalypse. We can credit College Ex Boyfriend with this obsession because he is the one who started me on zombie movies, zombie books and therefore, zombie plans. Everyone should have one. There's a really epic photo of College Ex Boyfriend trying to zombie bite my neck, but I can't find it and I'm fairly upset about that. Anyways, even today, College Ex Boyfriend and I have maintained that our plan is THE plan, and we'd meet up at Fort Reno in DC and take on the zombies. Unfortunately, I now live across the country and I'm not trying to get eaten by Zombie getting back to DC, so while that plan may work long term, I decided to work on some skillz so I can ensure my survival. 

Luckily, I met Derek, who you may remember at Outback Steakhouse Guy from previous blog posts. I may have called him fat, he's not fat. Oh, and he read that blog post and STILL agreed to see me after that without ever being like "HEY REMEMBER THAT REALLY RUDE BLOG POST YOU WROTE". So, super major points for that. Now, I'm the asshole. Fuck. 

Anyways, Derek has some guns because we live in Arizona where everyone has guns and although it terrifies me in a big way, apparently its a cool hobby to have. We met up mid afternoon to do some shooting at the Scottsdale Gun Club, which is mostly frequented by old me with hand guns wearing loafers and hawaiian shirts. It is Scottsdale.

Derek made a reservation and all. Planning ahead, impressive. He patiently showed me all the parts of the gun and how to make it do stuff, which I prompted did not listen to at all because I was so jittery and anxious about shooting things. Note: I have never held a gun before.

Derek recently bought this huge crazy gun thing with a scope and stuff. He also brought some bogus ass looking hand gun that I promptly hated and only wanted to use the big, fancy gun. Derek also bought Zombie targets to shoot at. How romantic is he? So romantic. He's also incredibly nice and patient as I freaked out about every 30-35 seconds a shot was fired on the range. Its really loud, even with the little headphone things on. He let me play plenty and take lots of shots and taught me how to use the little buttons that move the target. I appreciated that, because he easily could've let me fire two shots and done the rest himself and I would've probably been fine with it. I feel like he was really pushing me to hone my Zombie shooting skills and take me to the next level of my Zombie Plan.

Here's a photo of me shooting the big, scary gun with the pretty scope:

Here's a photo of my sweet dead ass Zombie target. Notice all the shots to the brain. I'm a natural born Zombie slayer OBVIOUSLY:

Here's a photo of Derek pouting because I shot some many more Zombies in the head than he did:

Overall, this was basicallyyyyy the most fun I've had on a date SINCE I became single from the Ex. That says a lot. I seriously can't think of anyone who I would've rather done this with because I was kind of a basket case (per always) and he makes me feel super comfortable whatever we're doing. I don't know why, but its true. Watch out College Ex, you've been edged out of the Zombie Plan.

 I don't really know where Mr. Derek's head is, but I know where MY head is right now and its ALL ABOUT this awesome pink BB gun I found at Walmart while grocery shopping today.  


Monday, December 3, 2012

Manic Mondays: Remember MySpace?

Remember when no one ever head of Facebook and we were all obsessed with customizing our MySpace pages? I do.

So, tonight, Tiffany and I were sitting at a restaurant brainstorming what psycho story I could tell on my blog today. Tiffany, being a sane and normal human, doesn't have any of these stories. BORING. However, her very cool little sister has quite the track record with boyfriends and crazy stories, so we jogged her memory for a few good gems.

She told us the story of how she caught her boyfriend cheating on her, so she went into his phone and MySpace and Facebook and deleted ALL of the females he was friends with to teach him a lesson in love. This reminded me of a psycho story that I was actually on the receiving end of.

You may recall I posted a mugshot of a former boyfriend I had, who we call High School Ex. It never really shocked me he'd be arrested for domestic battery. In fact, I'm shocked it took this long seeing as he is the ultimate psycho ex boyfriend. It should not surprise you that I have a very psycho story all about him.

So, I went to college in DC, which is 900 miles away from Chicago, where I call home. Part of the appeal of going so far away was being extremely far away from High School Ex because he was extremely toxic for me, but nothing BUT physical distance could keep me away from his bad news bears because I was 17 years old and basically stupid.

We had been on and off, breaking up and getting back together from June until when I was leaving for college in August. He was cheating on me, getting progressively more jealous and I was spreading my wings and regularly hanging out with a guy I worked with named Ben, who, I'm certain is 100% gay, but he was old enough to buy booze and incredibly sexy, so we were always attached at the hip. Needless to say, our hurtful little games weren't doing anything but making each other angrier, more bitter and more psycho as the summer progressed.

By the time it was time to leave for college, we were mostly broken up but still talking regularly and saying the stupid "I love you's" and all that bull shit. Of course, upon arrival to college, I met College Ex Boyfriend among other attractive men who quickly stole my attention and led to me to ignore High School Ex's phone calls for hours, sometimes, days at a time. This made him furious.

One Saturday morning about 3 weeks into college, after a long night at the Phi Sigma Kappa Fraternity house, and after a day of ignoring High School Ex's calls, I dragged myself out of bed and to my laptop  to check out my sweet MySpace page that was very much still en vogue during my Freshman year.

When I logged in, my main photo was changed to a very angelic looking photo of me from Prom, all my personalization and profile information deleted, and every time I refreshed my page, more and more of my thousands of MySpace besties being deleted from my profile. I though I had a virus or a hacker...but soon I realized what was happening. High School Ex had my password saved in his computer and had continuously been checking on my MySpace for sometime. Since I had royally pissed him off, he decided to cleanse my MySpace page himself.

Of course, I was furious. I called him ranting and raving, but nothing could save my MySpace page. The damage was done. Years of work!!! How dare he!!! After that day, I really decided I couldn't have him in my life. I stopped talking to him and focused primarily on College Ex Boyfriend. All over my MySpace page.

So, thank you Myspace, for ending my three year psycho relationship. Of course, that certainly isn't the absolute end to High School Ex's and I's 6 years torturous affair, but for now, it is.

FOR ONCE, I'm not the craziest of crazy. Take that!

Friday, November 30, 2012

Weekly Blog Fail: Date Review, My Quarter Life Crisis and Anxiety Around the Holidays

I got the flu and couldn't do anything all week...

So, you got no blogs. My bad. I don't care. So, let's just go ahead and have a nice mishmash of crap that happened this past week. Most of it is nothing because I had to flu and I'm useless to the world when I am ill.

Let's start with my date from last Sunday since that is technically this week. I decided to go out with the Outback Steakhouse Punk'd guy who I wrote about last week. I know I wrote a really mean blog but he is really nice and he asked me out to play mini golf and I LOVE MINI GOLF, so I was totally down. We actually had a really fun time but I'm not sure I can take him out of the friend zone. He's a bit nerdy and slightly socially awkward in a funny way. Think, Big Bang Theory...but I really just don't see that working long term for me. He is actually also not as overweight (from his photos) as I originally suspected. Must've just been the clothing...I don't know. Anyways, I was wrong to say that because he's not fat at all and he is a gentleman that I like. I do believe we will go out again. He seems interested to dive into my emotional basket case too...I can't deny a man that.

Next up, I got the flu. Eh. I got some Christmas shopping done as well. And then I realized its almost December and my birthday is in two weeks. And in two weeks, I will be 25 years old. This has once again sent me into an emotional tail spin which I have been holding off, but with the stress of the holidays (and therefore, 2 long weeks in coldddd Chicago) as well as getting the flu and a number of career stresses, it kind of snowballed into a huge mess last night. Tears, depression, the whole shabang.

The main source of this stress the weight loss. Its obviously very trying on both the body and the brain to stay on track and all that jazz. Beyond that, my mind is all screwy about it. The more compliments I get on how I look and the more that guys notice me when I'm out, the WORSE I feel about myself. I know that this is not normal and not how its suppose to be, but it is. So, I'm dealing with it.

Lastly, I head home just after my birthday for two weeks. If you know me personally, then you know my family is interesting (loving but...interesting) and the holidays always fester up a bunch of issues I never really resolved with my father and the feelings of being a loner as I'm the only adult in my extended family who is not coupled off. Awesome being single during Christmas. If that's not enough, my friends who are engaged or are about to become engaged are now really ramping up their "we're a couple and let's chat about us and our wedding" conversations now that its the holiday season. This is obviously bittersweet as I am happy my friends are happy but sad that I am also not 100% happy.


Clearly, I'm still sick and crabby and a sour patch kid. Mini 70 calorie taco cups tomorrow. 

Monday, November 26, 2012

Manic Mondays: The best presents are the worst to part with

I'm a really great girlfriend and I give really great gifts...

But when we break up, I take it all back because a man's emotional connection to an electronic item is far greater than his connection to a woman, I swear. 

A week or so ago, I wrote about a friend of mine who tossed her boyfriend's ipod in the trees after their break up. This week, I figured I'd share my own story of silliness in taking back a gift that I gave to a boyfriend. 

I was reminded of this story because I had a super vivid dream about College Ex Boyfriend over the weekend, so I shared that with him via Facebook chat yesterday evening and we chatted and caught up. We're actually on fairly good terms most of the time, although there are still issues lurking behind the facade of everything is a'ok and we broke up like 4 years ago. 

Side tangent--- College Ex Boyfriend said that every time he runs into someone from AU, they mention my blog AND HOW GREAT IT IS and ask how he feels about it. He's a very good sport and I've been fairly cordial to him in the blog because he is a good human with a good heart. Sometimes I miss him a lot. We have history. I'm not wrecking that. Anyways, the point of this paragraph is... a.) WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE READING AND GOSSIPING? b.) I love you all so much for gossiping about my blog. It warms my cold, black, single heart. 

Back to the story. College Ex Boyfriend and I lived together the summer before we broke up. We also celebrated our 2 year anniversary during the summer and I bought him ("us") a 47 inch flat screen TV. While flat screens are now like 50 cents at WalMart, back in 2007, they were still pretty much considered a luxury...and a very expensive one at that. I have always been one to spoil my boyfriends. This wasn't the first big gift I bought College Ex Boyfriend--- the year before I stood in line in negative temperatures on Black Friday to get him the newly released Playstation 3 (oh, and yes, I let him keep that after the break up). 

The TV drama started the minute I bought it. When BestBuy was loading it into the car, they managed to lock my keys into the car with my cell phone, so I was standing there, in the parking lot in Arlington, VA, with no keys and no phone. I was already in rush because I had to pick up College Ex Boyfriend at work and I was already running late. Long story short, it was a really traumatic day because my phone died and College Ex Boyfriend was stranded at work...ladedah...he got a damn TV at the end of the day and all was well.

So, fast forward to the fall when we break up....and by break up, I mean, have the most heart breaking, horrendous, public fall out of all time. My friends commonly refer to it as the break up heard round the world. Soon after, College Ex Boyfriend started dating some freshman and THAT was absolutely unacceptable in my eyes. Lots of things were said, tears cried, ice cream consumed. After that, I got mad. Really mad.

Because I couldn't think of anything better to do than get even, I started plotting all the ways that I could show him I've moved on too. I got a new boyfriend. I got a new car. I put the happy face and my highest high heels on. Lastly, I decided I was taking back the TV...something so very, very near and dear to his heart.

I showed up at like 7am on a Saturday morning at the townhouse we had shared and insisted he not only give it back, but also load the heavy biotch into the back of my new convertible, top down of course.

Man, I've never seen such heart break, lettme tellya. Just further proof that men need tangible material items way more than woman, justttt saying.

I still have the TV. I doubt I would've ever bought myself a flat screen and honestly, the TV has been good to me. Its gone back and forth to DC twice, stayed a couple of years in Chicago and now it lives nicely on my dresser in Phoenix. The remote control did get lost in transit to Phoenix, but other than that, its been living a long life. 

Poor College Ex Boyfriend. At least I let him keep the PS3. Smashing that would've been tres fun.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

WTF Weekend: Thanksgiving Edition

WTF Weekend: Thanksgiving Edition

I very much apologize for the lack of blogging this weekend, but I over committed myself to social activities with my real life friends, and sometimes I have to give them attention too.

I had every intention of blogging Wednesday night for WTF Wednesday based on my Black Wednesday party going experience, but then I had nothing to do Wednesday night so I didn't want to seem like a loser, but then I actually ended up having a totally WTF night that lead into WTF Thanksgiving morning at 10:30am when I waltzed into my apartment with my stilettos one hand and the other one holding my aching head. I'm not an adult.

I've actually never really gone out for Black Wednesday before. I've heard that its now one of the biggest party nights of the year, when everyone is in town for the holidays and you go to your local bar and see all your old frienemies from high school. Lucky for me, I did not end up at Durty Nellie's in Palatine, Illinois with the rest of Fremd High School that I've lost complete touch with since I both went to college on one coast and then hastily moved to the other coast after college. Not that it would've been interesting...but yeah..um...anyways. I can't even.

So BFF Tiff was out of town with her boyfriend for the weekend, so I was down a partner in crime and still writhing in anguish over last Friday's very poor life decisions (which I couldn't even blog out) and in the gym at like 8pm Wednesday night, because hell, if I'm going to suck, I'm going to look skinny doing it.

My good buddy, Mike, who is like my fratty, 1%er older brother (and my only platonic male friend in Phoenix), called me up and asked if I wanted to go out with him and his work friend, Casey (who is a dude, yeah, I asked that immediately too). Mike is also writhing, but he's in the wake of a bad break up, which I totally feel for, so it was big thing for him to want to go out, so OBVIOUSLY I couldn't say no. Anyways, we met up at Sandbar, which is just across the street from where I live, which is perfect since Black Wednesday is DUI central and Arizona has mandatory jail time for DUIs. Bottom line, walking is good.

We get there. Packed, of course. I'm with two fairly good looking, intimately muscular men. Clearly, no men come up to speak to me since chances are, one of them is my boyfriend. I'm also in huge heels, so no girls come up to them since the 6'4 Amazon woman with big boobs and big heels is looming around them. This is clearly not a well thought out plan.

Anyways, luckily we kind of all got into a big group convo with some dude who was a personal trainer and a couple where the dude plays semi pro soccer and some other randos. Guys start coming up to me to chat here and there.

Dude #1 was a really short guy named Mike. He explains he wanted to speak with me all night but my boyfriends are very scary looking. He asks for my number, but explains he won't call me until December because his phone is currently turned off because he didn't pay the bill because he's on unemployment. He is also very touchy feely and I'm frightened. My guy friends stand and laugh at my discomfort with the midget trying to rest his head in my chestal region. I spend the rest of the night running away from Mike.

Some more randoms...etc. More drinks. Now, we're all drunk. The entire bar.

Dude #whatever comes up to me and introduces himself as Patrick. He informs me that he and all of his friends have been checking me out and that I'm what they call a "breeder". I nearly punch him. He explains its a big compliment because I'm tall and hot and if I made babies with Patrick, I'd be popping out D1 linebackers. I'm less than impressed by this commentary on my looks. Men are idiots.

Anyways, we close down the bar. Mike and Casey get in a cab and encourage me to also get in and that they'll drop me off at my place so I don't have to walk back alone. What gentleman. Two second later, we're going to opposite way back to Casey's condo and not my place. Mike is swearing all woman are whores and nobody will take me back to my place. It is now 2:30am. I'm over it, I'll sleep on the couch, whatever.

Meanwhile, my girl Lacie calls me and let's me know she's stuck at a house party and stranded and can't get a cab. Because Mike and Casey are scheezy assholes, they of course want her to come right over. Mike calls her SEVEN cabs, SEVEN, not even an exaggeration. He is a man dedicated to his cause.

Anyways, by 3:30am, Lacie and I are sitting on the floor in Casey's tshirt and sweatpants drinking beer and hanging out. At 6:30am, we have all had our fill of the party and finally go to bed. Fast forward 5 hours and I waltz into my apartment.


1.) One rolex watch left in my purse by an unknown suspect (????)
2.) Lung cancer due to second hand smoke at Sandbar
3.) An appreciation for seasoned salt on popcorn
4.) A new love of vodka, club soda and 2 limes
5.) Some smoochies from Mike's friend, Casey who is cute when he's not speaking
6.) Six phone numbers listed in my phone as Sandbar #1-#6 only, no names

1.) 8 solid hours of sleep
2.) The ability to eat my ass off at Thanksgiving due to a hangover
3.) Most of my dignity and half my self respect

Based on my Gained/Lost List, this night was actually a big WIN. Kudos, Black Wednesday, until we meet again next year.

Happy Holidays, Y'all! I hope you, too, started your holiday season off right.

P.S. I will have tons of great material for next week because I had a jammed packed last week of dates. I manged to pull out THREE, yes, THREE more dates after the Outback Steakhouse incident, including one with the Outback Steakhouse guy and I feel like I may have to take that post down because he actually isn't that fat after all. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Tuesday Date Review: I Got Punk'd at Outback Steakhouse

I Got Punk'd at Outback Steakhouse

Well, it finally happened. We all know I've been going on dates with various dudes from Match.com for months now, and while they weren't stellar by any means, no one has ever really NOT looking anything like their photos which is clearly a common problem in online (or so I hear). 

As we learned from yet ANOTHER riveting episode of Catfish last night, no one online is actually who they say they are and they certainly don't use real photos of themselves. I'm one of the rare breed who uses currently photos and doesn't lie about my job, my life, my family, my anything. I even own up to my crazy blog. 

Anyways, this guy didn't like totally lie. It wasn't like I thought he was a male model and he was actually a 50 year old 350 pound man eating 3 racks of ribs at Outback Steakhouse. But, well, he certainly didn't look anything like his photos.

In fact, I was standing right in front of him and didn't recognize him until he was like, OH HEY NIKKI. Ughhh.....

In his photos, he's a very fit 27 year old hottie who is super active and pretty muscular and toned. In real life, hes a 27 year old decent looking guy who's probably put on 50-60 pounds since those photos. I get it, I got fat at some point, but I was real about it. I have ALWAYS used current photos. DID YOU THINK I WAS NOT GOING TO NOTICE???

Anyways, we had a nice date during the Bears game, in which they basically made me cry with their absolutely shitastic game against the 49ers. We had a couple drinks and dinner. He paid. Very nice dude. He even had a coup for a free bloomin' onion. I appreciate a man who can use a coupon.

BUT WHY LIE IN THE PHOTOS? WHY? Had he just posted current photos, I still would've gone on a date with him, but now I feel deceived and disappointed by what I got. I should probably stop being so shallow, but I just don't understand it.

I wanted to say something about it, but I held my tongue. He didn't seem to notice that I couldn't recognize him or the mixed look of horror and shock when I did finally recognize him.

I  might get over it. I might not. But let's be real, I got punk'd on an online date for the first time, and sadly, probably not the last time.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Manic Monday: Someone Else is a Psycho Ex Girlfriend too.

Someone Else is a Psycho Ex Girlfriend too.

So, sometimes I really think I'm the psycho ex girlfriend to end all times. And I'm not convinced that isn't true yet, but while I was trying to come up with another of my psycho moments, I was reminded of a good friend of mine's story of her break up.

My friend and her college boyfriend were kind of a similar story to me and College Ex Boyfriend. They were together from the start of college, living together and shared many mutual friends. At the end of their relationship, they were just nit picking at each other and it just wouldn't end. 

The main complaint she had about him was that he was an aspiring rock star. They went to school in a pretty small town in bufu Illinois where there are like 4 bars and 2 restaurants. His band played regularly at these small bars, therefore he believed that he could one day be really famous. Dream are nice, but lezbereal here...not going to happen.

One fateful night at the bar, she and he got in a big fight about his life's ambition in front of all his friends and such. This led to him shouting, "WE'RE OVER" and storming out. Well, the previous Christmas, she had bought his an ipod that was permanently attached to his hip, so in her infinite wisdom, she stormed after him, demanding he give the ipod back immediately. Taking material items from a dude in the midst of a break up is the most painful thing you can do to a dude, its true. Men don't relate well to the emotions break ups bring, but tearing a cherished material item, that is something they will feel pain for.

It doesn't end there. Oh no. He gives up the ipod begrudgingly and what does she do? SHE THROWS IT UP IN A TREE. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. NOW NO ONE CAN ENJOY IT.

She went back the next day. It was gone. C'est la vie. 

I hope you have a good little chuckle over this. I sure did while reliving it. 

My friend may kill me when she reads this.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Thursday Date Review: Great guy...One problem.

I don't know his name.

These things ONLY happen to me.

Okay, let's start at the beginning. This guy and I started talking on Match.com at the beginning of October, but I was out of town and he was out of town and I was in Hawaii and he was in LA, so on and so forth-- we kept crossing paths. But for the past month, we've exchanged texts and such. In the mean time, I forgot his name.

I tried everything. Google, reverse number search, job title search. Fuck you, Match.com, for deleting my older messages with him that CONTAINED his first name. So rude.

You might ask why its not saved in my phone. If you know me personally, I have a thing about saving numbers, especially the numbers of guys I am dating or am planning to date. I never put them into my contacts because I believe it jinx'es the entire dating cycle. So, rest assure, if you're a dude and we recently met or I put your number directly into my contact upon meeting, I have certainly freind-zoned you forever.

Anyways, moving on, I didn't save the number. I forgot his name in the month between messaging on Match.com and actually meeting. FULLY AWARE THAT I AM A MORON.

Despite all this, I decided to meet him for dinner last night at the Vig Uptown which is a pretty trendy place in Phoenix. This guy is pretty cute, went to Dartmouth, masters degree from USC, good job in public administration and just closed on his first home. He's 32, super cute and successful. His parents met at the University of Chicago when they were doing their Masters degrees...they're like the original Obama's. 

Anyways, we had a great date. He asked me out again for Friday. I said yes. Still don't know his name.

So, last night, I recruited my blogger bestie, Andrea, to call his cell phone in the middle of the night (since she works nights as a famous celebrity production assistant in LA) and listen to his voice mail which would hopefully feature his name front and center. Unfortunately, HE ANSWERED AT 3:30AM....and my plot was foiled. Fuckkkkk.

Only me. This only happens to me. Any ideas on how to fix this ridiculousness before Friday without looking like the hot, hot mess I am?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

WTF Wednesdays: Help Me with My Very Own Catfish Campaign

Help Me with My Very Own Catfish Campaign

So, this week has just been frickin' blag. No Manic Monday, whatever, I know, I suck. Anyways, my brain has been total mush this week with work and working out and the significantly cooler Arizona weather which has lead me to wearing Uggs and a bikini to walk to the hot tub in my complex. Its a great look. I just got home from grocery shopping (and I went without a bra on, because it was just that kind of frickin' day. I am now a people of Walmart. Whatevs.) Now, I want to throw up WTF Wednesday before I can slack off tomorrow.

So, MTV has a new reality show. Its called Catfish and its based off the weirdo documentary that follows a NYC photographer who falls in love with some girl online who turns out to be some crazy middle aged woman who fabricated multiple Facebooks and family members and such to trick him. Its really bizarre and highly recommended if you haven't seen. Anyways, the dude who got fooled in the movie now hosts the Catfish show on MTV where he unites people who are in online relationships.

In the first episode, this cute little blonde girl named Sunny from Arkansas is in an 8 month relationship with this male model, Chelsea Handler production assistant online boyfriend. SHOCKINGLY, he isn't actually who he said he is. He is actually an 18 year old lesbian girl living in Tennessee. Sunny goes ape shit on her and basically does everything but burns down her country bumpkin shack she lives in. Next week's episode promises to unite 2 exotic dancers who have fallen in love online. I just can't wait.

In the mean time, I have my own Catfish campaign I need help with. Everyone needs to take a moment to think back to 2003, which AOL still existed, screen names were really important and chat room culture was alive and well. A/S/L/pic, anyone?

In those days, before I had a legitimate reason to be dating anyone, I had an online boyfriend. His screen name was Slapshot99999999. He was a year older than me. Hockey player. SUPER HOT and from Missouri. We talked on and off for the better of 7 years before AOL became extinct and we lost touch somewhere towards the end of high school when I had a REAL boyfriend and being an online pen pal was no longer fun.

So, I want to find him. Amy and I spent the better part of this morning trying to track him down on the internet and still haven't located a photo of him. However, I do remember his full name and according to our creepy Google searches, he is indeed a legitimate person. There's lots of old high school records and newer association records of him playing on hockey teams in Missouri as well, so I believe he's not an 18 year old lesbian girl in Tennessee.

Now, I need your help to find him. This is what I know:

Name: Jeff Cedra
Age: 26
Location: Hazelwood, Missouri
High School: Hazelwood West
Occupation: EMT??? (this is a bit fuzzy but some Google digging presents this might be true)
Former email address: Slapshot99999999@aol.com (no longer exists)

I also believe that I have found his twitter account, which is

I tried to tweet to him today and got no reply. So, I'm encouraging all of you to start tweeting him with my handle (@ndillz) and #CatfishCampaign and maybe even send the link to this blog to him.

Its not like I want to rekindle a romance, I just want to know what the hell he's doing these days and maybe make all my Catfish dreams come true. Who knows what could happen, but let's make it werk.

Please comment if you decide to help in any way and let me know.


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Saturday Date Review: I lost 60 pounds for dating experiences like this (sarcasm)

I'm going to keep going on shitty Match.com dates until I get back the same value in dinners and drinks as I spent on my damn membership.

 So, last night I pulled out a last minute date for reverse happy hour at TGI Friday's with this guy named Troy from Match.com. He's mid 30's, middle management, kinda slick lookin' dude. Just my type. He also didn't ask me for a nude photo and made a specific plan on a specific date and time without cancelling or changing it 7 bazillion times. Its shocking, but true. 

Anyways, I got a bar table at Friday's about 15 minutes before Troy and I were suppose to meet up, so I could get a drink and take the edge off a little bit. I ordered my drink and when the waitress comes back, she said, "Oh, and that guy over there bought your drink for you!". I look over and she's pointing at a guy who is, no joke, a quadriplegic. I'm really not trying to being insensitive or an asshole here, but seriously, these things only happen to me. Needless to say, I walked over and said thank you, made polite chitchat, wrote my number on a napkin (like, its only polite right?) and went back to my drink. 

So, Troy shows up and I tell him about my free drink and he legit spends the rest of the night staring the guy down like I'm his wifey or something. Weird. I was like, is this joke? You're seriously going to stare down this poor dude for buying me a drink. Awkward.

Troy was fine. He's actually really hot, with blonde hair, tan skin and blue eyes. Very ken doll looking and a little reminiscent of College Ex Boyfriend. However, he was kind of rude to the waitress. Like she would walk by and he would shout "HEY YOU" then order another drink. I was like...really? Being a former TGI Friday's waitress myself, that shit is really annoying. 

Then, he opened a menu and ordered a flatbread. He didn't ask if I wanted anything or like, for input on what he was ordering. Then his stupid flat bread came and he didn't even offer me any. What the hell. I didn't want any anyways. Fuckin' carbs.

Then we made for out like 10 minutes and that was nice. He was clearly pretty into me. Maybe we'll go out again. 

So, this whole night was super charming. I lost a ton of weight and now I have guys buying me drinks, I can't really complain about that. However, I guess now I need to be more specific with exactly WHO I am interested in. The following convo with Amy pretty much sums up my night:

 I'm going to hell in a hand basket. Confirmed.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Single Girl on the Go Recipes: Crock Pot Beef and Broccoli

 True Life: I'm Addicted to My Roommate's Crock Pot

I hear that its almost winter in the majority of the world except for Arizona which is still hitting the high 80's on a daily basis. Regardless of this, I have recently become obsessed with the winter cooking tool known as the Crock Pot. I love it. I make everything in it. I spent hours finding recipes on Pinterest so I can crock pot even more.

Also, in my never ending quest to find meals under 400 calories, this does the trick. With a small portion of brown rice and a healthy portion of beef and broccoli, you don't even NEED Chinese take out any more. Enjoy!

You need:

  • 1 lb. boneless, beef chuck roast, sliced into thin strips
  • 1 cup beef consumme or beef broth
  • 1/2 cup low sodium soy sauce
  • 1/3 cup dark brown sugar
  • 1 tbsp. sesame oil
  • 3 garlic cloves, minced
  • 2 tbsp. cornstarch
  • 4 tbsp. sauce (from the crockpot after dish is cooked)
  • Frozen broccoli florets (as many as desired, I believe I used almost 2 cups)
  • Brown rice, cooked
First, in the insert of the crock pot, whisk together beef consume, soy sauce, dark brown sugar, sesame oil, and garlic. Gently place your slices of beef in the liquid and toss to coat. Then, turn crock pot on low and cook for 6 hours. When done, in a small bowl, whisk together cornstarch and cooking liquid to create a slurry and pour into crock pot, stir to mix well. Cook on low for an additional 30 minutes to thicken up the sauce. Finally, toss in your broccoli florets then serve hot over brown rice.

Just one note about cooking time: Your crock pot may differ in temperature than mine, so I suggest cooking this for 4 hours on your first go-round of this dish. 6 hours in the crock pot seems to be giving a lot of people “shredded” beef instead of slices, so decrease cooking time by 2 hours and go from there. Mine turned out fine with 6 hours.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

WTF Wednesday: Top 10 Hawaii Moments

I can't even believe some of the shit that happen on my Hawaii trip...and oh...it happened. WTF.

In all seriousness, my trip to Hawaii was absolutely amazing. So amazing that it took me yesterday AND today to compile my Top 10 WTF Moments of the trip. So, I apologize for the one day delay but I realized Hawaii was wayyyy more WTF Wednesday than it was whatever no topic Tuesday is. It deserves more than Tuesday. So, without further ado, my top 10 Hawaii vacation moments.

1.) There was a huge tsunami randomly approaching Hawaii without any warning on our first night.

Kyle and I had just arrived home from the liquor store after dinner on our first night in Hawaii when I received a text message from Lacie that said "ARE YOU OKAY??? TSUNAMI HITTING HAWAII!!!". We, of course, laughed and I replied, "Um, that's a hurricane on the East Coast". Then we turned on CNN and moment after, the Tsunami sirens started blaring outside on the beach boardwalk. We pour our first drinks.

I feel like these sort of things only happen to me. So, we're a bit terrified since the local news is calling for an evacuation of the Waikiki beach area and are FILMING DIRECTLY OUTSIDE OF OUR HOTEL, saying that they are standing in the central evacuation zone. We pour our second drinks.

I call the front desk and they're like, "Oh, you're on the 9th floor, you're fine as long as you're above the 4th floor". Um. That does not sound reassuring. We pour our third drinks.

By this time, we're convinced the world is ending. Kyle's dad has called everyone on earth and send everyone on the mainland into a panic. The time the tsunami is suppose to hit comes and goes. We are intoxicated. If we're going to die, we're going to die drunk and happy.

The tsunami passed up Waikiki Beach. Nothing happened. FYI. We're still alive.

2.) Kyle is a nudist and a sex addict...in a way that I admire.

For those of you who don't know Kyle, we've been friends since early high school. He's a firefighter/EMT in Chicago and despite a very impressive muscular physique, he's probably only like 5'7 and 140 pounds. Oh and he eats like 9000 calories a day. Tell me how that is fair. Anyways, the point is, Kyle is the shit. He's offensive and kind of mean and very vain, all in a very good way. For these reasons, we are good friends.

Kyle also loves being naked. He was naked 114% of the time we were inside of the hotel room and probably some small percentage outside of the hotel room, but I block that from my memories. Good thing that Kyle is like...my brother, so it certainly doesn't bother me. I could be peeing and he could be brushing his teeth all in the same bathroom and I could care less. We're tight that way.

Also, do you know what Grindr is? Welp, I didn't. Now I do. Kyle loves it. I certainly encourage you to explore all of its uses.

3.) "Are you peeling the wall paper?"

After we came in from a night out drinking, Kyle and I were both in bed with the lights out. All of a sudden, I hear crinkling and rustling. Munch. Munch. Kyle is always hungry, so I wasn't entirely too surprised to hear this noise. I lean over and say, "Are you peeling the wall paper?" Kyle bashfully replies, "I'm eating Reese's Pieces...don't worry about it".  WHAT? WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET REESE'S PIECES? He didn't even share. So rude.

4.) We are the prettiest people in the bar.

On Halloween, Kyle and I drank about a gallon of booze each, which led to a very miserable next day and I may never drink again as a result of that. There are so many parts of this evening, I don't even know where to start. 

In the morning, Kyle and I tried to find Halloween costumes. We figured we could slap on some cat ears and dress sexy, a la Mean Girls, and be done with it. APPARENTLY SEXY KITTIES ARE THE ABSOLUTELY MOST POPULAR COSTUME IN ALL OF HAWAII, because there were no cat ears anywhere. So, we went for plan B which was to rip the sheets off our beds and make togas. Because I am a sorority girl, I am well versed in sexy toga making. Here was the result:

Waikiki Beach actually is the third largest party spot for Halloween in the country, so we were lucky to be right in the center of the action. All night, everyone was stopping us, asking to take our photos. Once, 20 minutes went by without this happening and we were so confused why no one was recognizing us as the celebrities we were that we did a few laps around the bar (AND COUNTER CLOCK WISE) until we once again stumbled, literally, into fame.

Did I mention we're both incredibly vain? The above photo was taken at the end of the night right after Kyle spilled my drink on feet, assaulted my mouth and then we both fell off of the ledge I'm sitting on, leading to us leaving the bar before we were kicked out. Classic.

5.) Skydiving on the North Shore

We went skydiving over the North Shore of Oahu, right one the coast. Yep, jumped out of another plane at 15,000 feet. Kyle nearly shit himself. It was a great day.

6.) That time we rented a piece of shit, go kart looking Jeep.

Kyle and I are both commitment-phobes. We knew what we wanted to see but all of the tours are SO FRICKIN LONG. Seriously, a Pearl Harbor tour was like...9 hours. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR NINE HOURS? Stupid. So, we got the idea to rent a car and drive to Pearl Harbor and the North Shore on our own so we could move at our own pace. After calling a few rental places, we found a place called VIP Rentals where we could rent a car at a reasonable price. We walk on over there and the place is LITERALLY a tent on the side of an alley. Classy. Of course, the car they told us the price for was a 5-speed and neither of us can drive that, so they agreed to give us a Jeep Wrangler. 

This Jeep was seriously 15 years old, no top, no locks, a hole in the floor, ghetto fabulous. The radio only got reception like 3% of the time. Since we were renting it for 1 day, we said what the hell and went for it. We jump on the highway and the car LITERALLY only goes 45 miles per hour. We're being passed up by 1981 rusted out Honda Civics.

On the North Shore, the highway is only one lane each way. We single-handedly caused a traffic jam going up hill because we just couldn't go any faster. We did get home in one piece, but barely. Thank God Kyle was driving because I would've gotten frustrated and drove off a cliff.

7.) I stepped on a piece of candy.

Kyle and I went out on Sunday night because we felt we really needed to have a few drinks to celebrate our survival of the tsunami that didn't actually hit us. So, we started the night at Rumfire, which is a swanky bar that you'll hear about later on in the list, followed by a stop at Hula's which is a popular gay bar in Waikiki. After a few drinks, we were stumbling the half a block back to our hotel when Kyle spots a Reeses' Peanut Butter Cup on the sidewalk. Second after, I accidentally stomp on it, crushing it. Kyle shrieks, "YOU STEPPED ON THE CANDY", in a shrill and whiney voice, over and over, until we get to the hotel room. Seriously? Were you going to eat it? We had a good laugh about it, for aboutttttt an hour, until Kyle told me the story of how two mutual friends of ours gave him a BJ in the back of a car sometime while we were in high school. I couldn't stop both vomiting and laughing.

8.) That time we got naked on the beach.

When we drove up to the North Shore in our POS Jeep rental, we stopped at a few totally pristine, local beaches. There are no restaurants or anything around these beaches, so they are totally gorgeous and isolated from tourists. If I had to watch one more fat tourist go apeshit at Subway over the cost of a foot long in Hawaii, I would absolutely freak out. There was also only one shanty bathroom about half a mile from the beach that was overun by homeless looking locals...so we opted to change clothes right on the beach. Nobody looked. Nobody cared. It was done. The beaches are that pristine and isolated that you can. How about that for natural beauty?

9.) We got chased out of a Gay mixer by an Australian Bogan.

Kyle and I decided to go to this gay mixer that's held once a month at a swanky hotel bar called Rum Fire in the Sheraton, right on Waikiki Beach. We waltz in and buy entirely too expensive drinks which makes us grumpy. Because Kyle and I are judgey, we took a seat to take in the scenery. We're literally sitting on the barrier between gays and straights. On our left, there's a bunch of middle aged couples sitting in wicker chairs frowning and on our right, there's several dozen gay men bumpin' and grindin' to Madonna blaring from the DJ booth. Man, I really should reconsider my sexuality if that's what the future looks like.

After a while, this creepy bogan (by American standard, a redneck) Aussie dude starts talking to us. He's missed teeth. Kyle introduces himself as Ben. Anyways, this Aussie guy goes to get a drink and tells us he'll be right back with us. Being kind of tipsy and rude, we bolt as soon as we can. He sees us and starts CHASING us down these winding hallways of the Sheraton. We're dying trying to run and laugh simultaneously. I can't even.

10.) The French Fry Incident.

Its no secret than I've been dieting and working out like crazy to loose weight I put on post college and then some. Kyle is a great person to go on vacation with because he works out everyday religiously (and dragged my ass with him) and eats fairly healthy, so all week I was really proud of myself for making good choices to stay on track. 

On Halloween, as I mentioned, we drank a lot. More than a lot. En route home, after we fell off the ledge at the bar and tumbled down a flight of stairs and stole a cigarette, we tried to get pizza at the Wolfgang Puck Express, which was long closed for the night. While Kyle assaulted the doors trying to break in and make pizza, we saw McDonald's take out in someone's hands...and so it began. The journey 3 blocks to McDonald's.

I haven't eaten McDonald's in like...8 months. Kyle probably hasn't in a year. But we attacked a large order of fries and nuggets. Attacked. I'm not joking. We had to ration the fries out 2 by 2 because neither of us could be trusted to share.

In the morning, I woke up with fries in my bed. And I ate them. Then I went back to my hangover coma until 2am. Shameful. Shameful. Shameful.

We referred to McDonald's as the scene of the crime for the rest of the week. 


So, that's that. My favorite parts of the trip. So much crazy I don't know what to do with, but hell, I'm glad I went. It was a great week :)